i'd rather not sit still

A goodbye.

2005-12-10T11:18:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure about posting for a while.

Everything we go through in life is "personal", yet I've never had a problem completely exposing my "personal life" to whoever wants to read. Mostly because writing helps me to learn and if I can shed light on similar situations in other people's lives that might help them to learn something, too... well hell, that's a wonderful thing. And if what I'm going through or feel like expressing/talking about is completely different than whoever's reading, that's fine too. I think it's great to be open to the unfamiliar. But all the reasons why I have this blog aside, lately I've been asking myself a really important question. How much do I do for myself?

I don't know if this blog is really mine. Actually, I don't think it is. I write it, and sometimes I go back and read what I write, but this blog is really here for other people to read...under some strange assumption that I write things worth reading. This blog is here for people to learn or question or grow because of me. But this blog is not mine. It's yours. And lately, I haven't felt like my life is mine because I'm willing to give it to everyone and anyone who wants it.

But right now there's too much questioning and growing and learning going on inside of myself to give it to whoever wants it without keeping some for myself.

Some things really should be personal.

Maybe I'll be back. Maybe not. Time will tell. If not, it's been whatever you've made of it.

Fond thoughts, Rachael

the female artist in despair

2005-12-08T09:59:00.000-08:00

My last poetry class today took a look at a few poems by men and women who were discussing the same topic, but the different ways in which the subject was talked about, and then which poem the "editors" of the text thought was of "more poetic merit". Most of the time, the man's poem was considered more meritorious. (I mean, the living white man's poetry is going to be closer than the woman's to the dead white man's model that is considered "great".) The only times when the woman's poem was considered more meritorious by the editors was a few instances when the poem spoke of such despair and genuine disaster, that the comparison couldn't even try to match it.

After class I was thinking about how there have been many many woman artists who "live in dispair", and perhaps this is what has allowed their voice to be heard and not written off. From Joni Mitchell, to Ani DiFranco, to Frida Kahlo, to both Emily Dickenson and Adrinne Riche... the essence of each of these women is very sorrowful, yet fulfilled in knowing that there may be no answers to their desperation. Their art is their freedom and redemption.

At her last exhibition in Mexico, Frida told reporters, "I am not sick. I am broken. But I am happy as long as I can paint". Also, "My painting carries with it the message of pain.....Painting completed my life.....I believe that work is the best thing."

What a perfect depiction of such a dismal yet contented femal artist.

There have been many male artists who fall under the same descriptions. However, they do not have to fall under this category to be recognized and regarded as "great". Perhaps it takes a woman to go through the deepest and darkest despirations in order to be respected or acknowledged in a man's literary or artistic world.

If a woman becomes recognized outside of this torn description, will there ultimately be some wide spread way in which she will still be degraded? (Too manly or not tough enough, too easy or too prude, too opinionated or too ambivilant, too self-fulfilling or too needy, too peppy or too angry.) I mean just look at all of the most famous women who produce some sort of "art" in this area, from Britany Spears (too easy), to Oprah Winfrey (too self-fulfilling), to Ellen Degeneres (too manly), to Katie Couric (too peppy), Alainis Morressette (too angry.). It seems that the woman who have eventually been respected, are the woman who were deeply torn, distraught, sad, and with art as their only escape. Through the toughest and most genuine dispair may a woman gain respect in the realm of what is considered "art", and perhaps this is, or has been the only way.

Or maybe the effort just isn't taken to criticize the "too forlorn". Perhaps every kind of art will in some way be criticized for no reason better than being misunderstood. Male of female. But I think that true, honest, and raw sadness are subjects that people are willing to sympathize with and even respect. The deepest longings cannot be written off, regardless of sex or race, because perhaps that sorrow is something residing and living within us all.

Rebuttal? Ideas? Opinions? Feel free. Share.

you're so silly.

2005-12-01T15:10:00.000-08:00

remnants of dried up brown sugar oatmeal
crust the corners of my yellow and orange crock.

the clock on my desk is seven minutes
faster than the rest of the clocks that are
right.

my cuticles are pushed back but not clipped
and i've bitten half the skin off my thumbs

but my hands are clean because my
suitemates are sick
and cough on the bathroom door
so i wash with soap in the sink

i can feel the rose on my cheeks recently
kissed by his lips before he went
down
the elevator
and rode his retro bike to class

cozy under the covers my roommate
sleeps in her underwear as i hover over a florecent
computer with notes in my ears that fill
eyes with tears
but not mine
not today

ouch. my stomach hurts. i ate
too much pizza
grease and acid and spices and soon
my stomach gets mad and
forms a ball as hard as a rock
don't move, rachael
you cannot move
inert and fat

oh, but it's been over a week and
i finally drank coffee flavored
for the holiday
and i feel warm inside and
jittery

remnants of a normal day
make thoughts that wake my fingers and
click click click the keyboard to
share a few silly words:

spaghetti, ....

or just one silly word.

all the things we think we want.

2005-11-30T19:30:00.000-08:00

a year ago i couldn't tell you how many things i was wishing for or going after or aspiring to become. but i can tell you that a lot of things didn't happen the way i thought they would have, or hoped they would have. (for one, my heart was set on northeastern/boston and clearly, that didn't happen... ) but it's all worked out just fine. and now i'm fine. and now, part of me says "okay, i don't want boston anymore. i want this. i want what i have."

i've been stressing out lately cause i've got piles upon piles of school work to do and i feel like not only do i have to do it all.. but i have to kick all of it in the ass and master this realm of academics i'm in. but the truth is... i don't have to. it's great to learn, and it's good to work hard, and it's good to try your best, and it's good to challenge yourself. but this school work isn't a life or death situation. and neither was boston. and 2 weeks from now this will all be over and my bags will be packed and i'll be moving out and on to new places and faces. and a grade is a grade... but if we tear down our mental health, or let ourselves become nasty over whatever we're letting "stress us out" then what happens to our well being? what happens to the people around us who are part of our every day lives? how do we treat the people we love when we're stressed about stupid things?

there are a lot of things that i get my heart set on... and once i decide i want something, there's no stopping me from at least trying to get it. or be it. or do it.

i guess that's why i know i'll be "successful"... because i'll end up getting/doing/being whatever really matters to me in life. whatever i really want and really find meaningful and important... i know i'll get. i know i'll find away.

but basically, i'm here to admit that right now i'm lacking a lot of faith in myself. ( i know, i just contradicted what i said two seconds ago.. ) but there have been a lot of let downs... from things in my own life like boston or a speech or a grade or whatever.. that i really thought i deserved, but didn't get... to things in the lives around me like not the greatest marriages or poor ways of treating the people you love. and with a lot of let down, sometimes it's hard to have faith that everything can and will work out the way you'd like it to.. i know i'm a strong person and i know i'm capable of so much.. but i also know that i have no control over the outcome of so many things. and i get scared when i think about that. scared and insecure and worried shitless that the things i have my heart set on more than anything (like brian, or the coffeehouse) might end up the same way... out of my hands no matter how hard i try. and then like old dreams they'll be things of the past that just didn't work out? i'll ending up "wanting" or settling for whatever i have once what i really wanted is gone?

well, i don't want that. i want more. i want something better. i want a happy ending, damnit. but i guess there are a lot of things we think we want. until they don't come true.

the end?

joined through three different tides

2005-11-25T13:09:00.000-08:00

nearing the end of this past summer i wrote a poem about jodi, kathleen and i going off on three different "tides of time" into such vastly different lives. before it was time for us to "part" we talked about how when we went to school we knew that we'd all be experiencing so many different things in such different places. more, we knew that the hardest part of it all would be not sharing the joy of our experiences with each other.

we knew it then, but that wasn't enough to prepare us for it actually happening. and it did. it happened. we went off into three completely different tides flowing in three completely different directions.. and through all of the classes and papers and new people and adjustments and boyfriends(well in my case), it was hard to keep each other updated with everything. we didn't do poorly... we called and talked and tried... but there's no comparason to living every day by each other's sides to then going months with out seeing each other's faces.

"moments never have to come to an end if we can just keep up with them" - jodi (don't stop)

it hit last night that our directions really are different now. at first i cried a lot knowing that the connection we had in sharing a similar journey/struggle/direction/joy has kind of dissapeared... but the truth of it all is that this is life. time moves us apart in a way... but the places we are and the experiences we're going through are making us into such larger and better and stronger people! and we really are still connected by something much larger.

a wave can move in any direction
but that doesn't seperate the waves from the ocean
no, they're always a part of the larger motion
no matter what direction they may go in
or what other wave they may crash into
there's something more infinte that the ocean can do
in keeping the waves connected through and through
despite any current that may be new
the waves move in seperate directions
yet flow together through the sacred connection
of unyeilding love and endless devotion

(alright, my poetry's a bit rusty... but it proves my point nonetheless.)

i am blessed to be able to see the growth and the beauty that this time and seperation has done for us. and that's really the bottom line. that, and i love these ladies with the biggest parts of my heart. and i am so thankful.

what they say is true... a lot changes in the first two months of college. but i want to say with confidence and assurance... that these changes will be, and are towards something very different from the past, but beautiful as can be.

and on this thanksgiving holiday, i raise my glass to that. and to you and to you and to you. cheers.

leaves rising

2005-11-16T10:26:00.001-08:00

the weather was quite strange today.... cloudy and dark, windy, but warm... about 75 degrees...

so i'm sitting in my dorm looking out my lovely large window and all of the sudden a procession of fall leaves began to rise up into the sky with no retreat. it was quite a sight to see, for what it suggested...that the normalities of life don't always take place. and those times when they choose not to, it seems as though it is exactly that -- a choice, their choice to float up, rather than down, clearly defying the regular. now of course this is not against any "laws of physics" or gravity or force according to science. but it's interesting to wonder if we had to create laws to explain what was already happening. it's not like our scientific laws are what made those leaves floating a reality rather than a defiance. they're doing their thing no matter what we call it.

i guess this all made me think about (or enhanced my thinking about) us living in a realm of laws, and while staying within those parameters, doing something completely different. the leaves weren't surpassing any laws, just floating above the regularities and norms that we're used to seeing.

i recently picked up a book that i began a good bit ago and put down half way through entitled "A Passion for Living" by Shahan Shammas. Shahan is actually my mother's best friend's brother, and i was very fortunate to share a weekend with him two summers ago on the peaceful water of a cape cod cabin. i remember coming away from our conversations feeling so invigorated, enlightened and inspired. i was so greatful to receive a copy of his book from him and now more than ever i'm finding his words extremely beneficial at this point in my life. The topic i'm reading about right now is Understand why we age and die.... and i'd like to pass along some of Shahan's wise thoughts and insights that kind of spurred and emphasize what i'm trying to express:

Imitation is not only the best form of flattery, it is the trademark of any society. If fifty or sixty year old people in our community are considered old and treated accordingly, when we are fifty or sixty years old, we usually consider ourselves to be old and treat ourselves accordingly as well. We are human. Therefore, we behave the way humans are expected to behave. We are social. So we emphasize belonging and we imitate. If the only examples we ever see of how humans are or can be are the ones surrounding us, how are we to break the norms of society and transcend our humanity? We can break these norms by escaping the tyranny of the group and by emphasizing our individuality. We can break the impact of "community pressure" by being in the community, but not of it. We can take the benefits of a community, but not it's handicaps. We do not have to be one of the statistics. General statistics of health, wealth and morality apply to the general population and to the common people. If we distinguish ourselves, then we are no longer common and the statistics have no relevance to us. If we believe we are common, then the common rules apply to us as well. We live, age and die by the laws we accept and internalize. Our community provides us the free software (freeware) that gets loaded into our minds and runs the hardware that is our body. To live individual lives, we require customized software.

Living a normal life, our experiences will only be normal. Normal people live, age and die like normal people are supposed to. If all we see and experience is a reminder of what the normal is, we seldom experience the possible life. Our environment shapes and moldes us. We assume it's characteristics. It requires extra effort to be different, stand out and escape velocity.

so i suppose the leaves rising learned how to be in a community, but not of it... escaping velocity.

enjoy the irregular occurences of every day life. (and leave some thoughts/comments)

push & pull

2005-11-12T14:06:00.000-08:00

Lately I've had these really strong internal forces leading me in opposite directions. The future is chugging forward like a one-way train, while the past is sprinting as fast as it can along the dirt trying to keep up with all it's might. And eventually, the past and the dirt road evaporate into one vauge memory far behind the train's destination. And where am I? On a train that won't stop no matter how many times or how desperately I tug the rope. A train that doesn't go in reverse to the land of old station wagons and bumper stickered cars, or idealized relationships that were doomed from the start, or sitting in the bed rooms of our parent's homes strumming the guitar, or walking through the park, or leaving a mark on some silly land called high school. I'm on a train and it's taking me to a completely new place... one i've never before even known could exist. But if I had dreamed of the greatest place on earth, it might come close to lying in bed with two heads and bodies and hearts enjoying every second of lost innocence shared. All that's missing is all that came before what's living now.

This is beginning again and living then. A push & pull.

It's so strange, but I feel so different. So different. When you hear about growing up and getting married and having a job and kids, it sounds like such a far away dream until you find someone you could actually do it with. And then it just becomes a far away reality. And this whole new world opens up with this whole new set of things to consider and think about... questions and dilemmas and solutions and struggles and wonders.. This whole new set of things that make you grow up.

People always talk about sex as something that takes you innocence. But I think something much larger does if you let it.

"Well something's lost, but something's gained in living every day." - Joni Mitchell

I think this about all I want to let out right now.

My fondest thoughts.

In a parallel universe I'm Gay.

2005-11-07T11:50:00.000-08:00

Jodi sent me these pictures and I just can't help but think we'd be such perfect lesbians if we were physically attracted to one another. (and i didn't have a boyfriend)

I mean look how CUTE we look:

Okay, so here's the only reason why I'm not asking for Jodi's hand in marriage:

muahaha.. they're both pretty awesome people. the message here is that i'm one damn lucky gal.

There Goes Jane.

2005-11-06T14:25:00.000-08:00

It's striking me, sitting here in the grass
watching all of the poor people pass
with apathy, indifference, or smiles as thier mask
that even when we stop to ask,
"How are you?"
no one really listens for an answer.

Here comes Jane walking under the sun
shades covering her eyes to dim all she sees
not letting the light creep into her brain
just trying to refrain
from what may hurt her eyes
and with her disguise she's drawing herself blind
and no one really cares
not even Jane.

Somewhere in her brain
does she wonder what the world would look like
unshaded
unashamed of every color?

Trying to keep out the pain
we're making things darker

Trying to keep out the pain
There Goes Jane.

(a poem i wrote a few weeks ago...decided to post it here. enjoy.)

we all love a little heart break

2005-11-06T13:53:00.000-08:00

(or at least I always have)

I was scanning through a blog or two when I came across this girl who had lyrics to a song and under them she wrote how the song was on repeat and she was crying while listening. (she admited that it was very "emo") Funny thing about it -- I had done the same thing with the same stupid (but good) song just a few months ago. Reading her blog was like moving backwards or something... It's crazy to think that for a good two years of my life I had indulged in the game of high vs. low, up vs. down, love vs. heartbreak. The measures we go to just to suffice our emotional longings could arguably be referred to as crazy or normal. I think it's both.

Until you reach some point of exceeding that insane norm, or meet someone who takes you someplace above it all.
Until then, perhaps it's a battle of will -- not to give in to the lonliness that creeps up on an uncoupled heart. Or maybe we're supposed to. Or maybe it's just a luck of the draw that some of us do and some of us don't.

These possibilities come without answers.

"A simple heart's stress, anything but simple"

At least now I know that love, healthy love, is real, possible, and alive. So I guess if I were sending a message, that would be it.

Fond thoughts to the people of this world. Love, Rach

some artsy fartsy

2005-10-30T09:06:00.001-08:00

walking into the past

2005-10-22T20:57:00.000-07:00

...and still living in the present.

Somehow, we learn to do both at once. Probably because when we walk into our past through pictures, or old places, or old people, time still moves forward like always, despite the nostalgic aura.

I was glad to be out of high school today when I went to the HC football game/parade. It was nice seeing some familiar faces and smiles, and feeling welcomed by some great people... but I just don't miss it at all. If high school consisted of only the great people you meet and the great moments you share, maybe I'd have felt a little less careless today. But so much of high school seemed tainted by the inescapable boxes and steriotypes and silly things that kept us seperated or judging.

Eh, but I don't want to complain about high school. It's great in a certain light... and I'm not going to say I didn't love it. Only that I don't miss it. Or maybe more appropriately.. I've definitely grown out of it. And that's natural.

I espcially enjoyed seeing Paigey poo today.. (just throwing that in there)... and Rasa, which is sort of ironic. muahaha.

It's just great knowing that more than ever, I have the opportunity to just LIVE on my own and independently decide what I do with my life. It feels good. Damn good.

And I'm writing this mainly because I'm waiting for Micayla to get here and I'm sitting in my house with nothing to do but think about how different and the same our lives are now. It's all not necessary to type though. These types of things are meant for experiencing.

Have a lovely evening.

an entertaining idea.

2005-10-18T11:05:00.000-07:00

have you ever been looking in the mirror maybe practicing a speech, doing your hair, seeing how you look before you go out... and had to stop to do a double take of who you really are? what i mean is when you're looking in the mirror, you see someone, but it's as if your mind and thoughts are detached from the image of what you see... it's as if that image could not possibly represent all of the thoughts revolving around that make up and define you as a person. and you kind of have to touch your face to prove to yourself in some humanly fashion that the image you see is real and exists and is whoever you are according to the laws of science we hold to be true.

this happens to me sometimes, and when it did today i felt lucky to be in my dorm, close to my computer where i could maybe capture this experience and ask if others have had the same.

while really taking the time to try and understand this process of misconception, a thought entered my mind and i decided to entertain the idea: perhaps when these moments occur, i am seeing myself from an alternate stance, time, or place in which i have existed. perhaps part of me who has existed or is currently existing in a different shape, form, or body.. for just an instant had the chance to look through these set of eyes at what this form of me is portrayed as. and in that instant, i am confused. that "other" form of me is confused, associating a different image of myself than what i had known to be true, and the "current" form of me is confused, being taken over and almost captured from something outside of reality.

this idea obveously introduces a belief of either reincarnation or multiple realities existing at once (parallel universes), sharing some universal or larger soul. i thought i'd entertain the thought.

anyone ever have this happen to them?

2005-10-10T12:27:00.000-07:00

how many wives live to watch their husbands die?

He's resting in Peace.

2005-10-09T17:05:00.000-07:00

Do we only pay attention to the elderly when it's their birthday or they die?

My bubby's (yiddish for grandmother) husband died around 1:30 am last night. Izadore Cohen, better known as Iz, not "Izzy"... he hated "Izzy". He was the most generous man I had ever met, and always wore red suspenders and a smug face. They were both widowed and fell in love about 6 years ago, and were married within months.

I can't stop asking myself what things I never took the time to ask Iz. I keep wondering all of the things that someone with 60 years of age on me knows that I just can't possibly have the wisdom to know. I can't help but want to take some time to sit down and ask more questions to the ones who have lived before me.

But I know I know, we're a firsthand race. We want to explore and discover for ourselves. We want to live to the fullest. We want to be innovative.. but man, I just know there have got to be some things that should be passed down from one generation to the next. Yeah, we are the shapers of this world. But I just don't know how much should be left in the past.

Some elderly people are abnormally special... going out of their way to pass their words on. Like Mr. Bill and my Aunt Mary.. and I really really am thankful for their wisdom and courage. But what about those who don't go out of the way? What has become of them besides a burden on the young and healthy? Is that all we become if we don't remind people that we exist? Once we get to a certain age, do we have to make even more of an effort to be paid a certain attention? And shouldn't it be the other way around? I mean, the surface view might say that in the past those standards stood, and the elderly were so respected and acknowledged. But I wonder if that's true... If the young haven't always ran off with their idealized hopes and dreams, and if not forgetting the importance of those before them, merely tried their best to remember it... not actually believe and live by some truth that our elders are our first priority. And if it really was different in the past, what's happening to us now? And where will things be when we get to be that age?

So what's the answer? Is it only during birthdays or death that we really acknowledge the existence of some elders? Of course not all situations will be the same, and much like all of society, some people for any given reason never get the attention they deserve. (By attention I'm implying things such as love, friendship, compainionship, respect, etc)... Because everyone deserves those things... But from my observations anyway, it seems as though the older you get, the less people you have by your side. Your friends begin to pass away, and soon your spouse.. and you're left with your children and theirs... and what happens? Do you become a society of the shrivelled and unimportant bodies and minds taken care of by people who really just want to live their own lives?

I'll miss Iz. And I'm mourning for my Bubby. and that's about all I know right now.

a moment of reflection

2005-10-08T13:22:00.000-07:00

do we lose all of the moments that slip through time without getting typed up or jotted down? wizzing through space, meaningful events fall at my feet, and just as fast, fly away. only making time to sort through confusion or pain or sadness, good news is rarely heard. and i'm guilty of my own accusation (we usually are), to not make time to really sort through joy or pleasure or excitement or love. even in this moment, the reason to slow down and reflect exists because i'm unsure and somewhat worried and full of emotion i don't understand. it's as though all of the positive and wonderful things that have happened in the past week have somehow hid in a room of unimportance now that confusion and wonder has knocked on the door.

right now, more than investigating why or how i'm feeling the way i do, i just want to take the time to write it down. get it out. let it exist outside of myself somehow.

now it all seems so much clearer.. the reason why i love to write. writing, putting it on paper, or a screen, or someplace other than my mind doesn't merely give it life outside of my mind... but allows my mind to look at it from the outside, from another perspective, from a less involved view... allowing me to look in on it, as though i'm actually a bystander rather than participant. letting me investigate from a much less bias point of view than my own. much like travelling to another country, our stance becomes much more global once we have ventured away from home base, from our own minds and confines, and taken a look from the outside in.

and with all of this said, i still have yet to write what i mean and say how i feel. sometimes, i'm just not ready to venture away yet... sometimes i have to sit at home until my mind and body screams that i need to get out of the house. i'm still lounging on the couch, just waiting for the moment to come when i break, when i have to leave my emotions and go some place new. but until then, i don't want this moment to just fly free and be forgotten. it's weird though, that this moment means nothing. and it's the moments that mean the most that i don't find the time for. it's when i finally decide to make myself walk out the front door, that i don't carry a pen and paper with me, to record why or what gave me that extra push.

it all works out just fine though. like an evolution of events.. a manifestation of time is held within us, regardless of what there is to show or prove that all the grand adventures ever existed. somehow, we carry them with us. somehow, even if we cannot remember a single detail, they're never really forgotten.

beautiful, ey?

"head over feet"

2005-10-05T17:06:00.000-07:00

yeah, i'm quoting alanis. why? because she's awesome. i always told myself that if ever i found a guy i really liked, alanis morrissette's "head over feet" would be a great theme song. mainly for the following:
"i've never felt this healthy before
i've never wanted something rational
i am aware now
i am aware now"

yes, simple. simply perfect for me. haha. and yeah... brian's a pretty damn cool kid. and it really is... wonderful how normal i feel. i feel like a normal person! capable of a great relationship! yes! hooray! i feel very lucky.

anyway, i'll admit it. i've been a bad blogger of late. but so it goes.. i've been busy with lots. and still am. when i started this blog it was never for the purpose of keeping others updated with my daily life, but rather meaningful events. and i've had a lot that i'd love to sit down and share with the blogger world, but time has moved too fast for even that much. i am confident that you're finding you fill in other places, if not your own life.

something that really takes the time to express life's delicacy: daniel lee's new cd. check it out at danielleemusic.com ... it's worth the purchase. he's so wonderful. he even referenced "dream deferred" by langston hughs (which i had coincidentally published on my blog a few weeks ago) you out there D? i'd like to get coffee if your time ever let's a moment slip in for a frizzy friend!

jodi will be home tonight around midnight.. you can imagine how excited i am. kat was home last weekend and it was so wonderful to be together.

i feel so blessed to be given this time of growth and change and experience. to finally be "on my own", enriching my mind, expanding my heart, filling my dreams. every day flashes by so quickly, but without an empty second. it's incredible and so beautiful. i'm really on the brink of a great way of living. i'd like to put it into words and just share all of the experiences that have been shaping this cycle. maybe when it's become more habitual i'll pin how and why it's working so well.

leave some art if you have some to share. i'd love love love to be your audience.

live well. rach

taking my own advice

2005-09-26T09:49:00.000-07:00

i've got to refute a post i wrote a few days ago when i talked about missing intellectual stimulation due to my surroundings. today, after reading jodi's blog about being where we are without feeling lonely or while still feeling at home, so far away from each other and our place of origin, i commented on what she wrote. i said the following:

you know jo, i think all of us are feeling that same sense of being torn between where we are and where our hearts rest. because when we're all together, that's where we feel at home. it's hard for me to be HERE fully, too... but i think when we decide to take our days into our hands, and maybe find a little more home within ourselvess, we can feel more comfortable and encouraged.

for so long we relied on recieving love from each other to feel at home... and being apart from one another is our chance to look inside and draw some strength, courage, and love for ourselves from ourselves to play a comforting role.

maybe there's no harder thing than to turn to yourself when you're feeling lonely. that almost sounds backwards. but if you CAN turn to yourself in low or lonely times, then you've got something that will never let you down. find ways to turn to yourself. play music. paint. write. read. bring that light to life in times of lonliness. you've got so much inside.

now i've just got to say that my experiences and education here, both academically and outside of the classroom, are totally under my control. they're totally up to me to make the most of and get as much out as i put in. it's silly how often i tell myself that and how quickly i forget to act upon that belief. but it's really good to be reminded, even if it's through advising someone else.

don't hesitate to give me a piece of my own advice if i seem as though i'm forgetting. or some new and different advice. part of what i'm learning through going to this counselor is to be open to others' advice for me, not to feel so much like i have to have power or be right about everything. haha. so yeah. bombard me with advice or refutations!!

lots of love, rachael

ps. photos from the protest can be found at photos.yahoo.com/rachmddx under ANTI-WAR PROTEST
my camera died half way through the day, so i had to be quick with the picture taking...they didn't all come out great. anyway, enjoy!

War is not the answer!

2005-09-25T17:17:00.000-07:00

Yesterday 100,000+ people demonstrated in D.C. as a protest against the war in Iraq and the current administrative choices. I went with Brain and some of the college democrats, and it was just a great day all in all. From the metro packed to the bolts, to an array of creative signs, to people dressed in appropriate (and some inappropriate) apparel, to the other side standing BEHIND BARS arguing their point, to chanting against war, to music playing in the streets... people gathered at our countries capital from near and far to show the world that we don't agree with our soldiers and innocent iraqis being killed for no good cause.

pictures coming soon..

2005-09-23T10:34:00.000-07:00

it was nice having such a diverse intellectual level in high school. you can be whoever you are, and still interact with people who are on a completely different level. i suppose the same thing holds true of college in the sense that there are different types of intelligences. but i liked having the people with highest IQs standing right next to the average who stood right next to the lower. You learn a lot about appreciating diversity. Sometimes it feels like people's minds here are all working at about the same rate. Not too fast, not too slow. (which makes sense, because we get into certain colleges based on similar parameters) But i want to be around it all, I want to see the super speedy and the nearly dead. I guess I really just miss the super speedy. I love being stimulated by people who know more than I do, or I love being around other people who share that same joy in intellectual stimulation. it could just be the classes that i'm taking. hopefully next semester my classes will consist of more geeky people. but looking around towson i don't see too many geeks. people here are pretty "cool".

ah well, maybe i'll just start a nerd revolution! anybody care to join?? we can drink wine, and read philosophy, and talk about quantum physics, and culture ourselves through dance and food, and have chest tournaments, and pick our noses togetherrrr... ahhhh. i mean reallly, i'm not craving nerdsss, just some stimulation. just someone questioning me about something/anything! just someone else's beliefs for me to question. just some good conversation/arguments. just some live fucking music and open mic nights.

ah, yes.. i need to go get these things. they're not so far away, probably just hidden. and the search begins... today!

another search that i began today was for college... again. the list right now is UPitt (i kind of think i should have gone there in the first place), UMich, Mich State, BU, Northeastern (again, maybe those bastards will give me some money), UMD, emerson? (mainly because i know it would give yuri a heart attack... muahaha) and that's it. I think i'd enjoy all of those schools a lot.

i've got a consoling session today. hmm. it's really.. strange talking to a counselor about my life. about my past, parents, present, problems. it's kind of like doing a hellish workout program... it's really hard and not fun, but really good for you and pays off in the end. (plus, it's free!) the lady said she thought it'd be good for me to participate in "group counseling sessions" where there's 6-7 people who all have "relationship problems" and two mediator/consolers. eh, it's weird, but i know it's good for me. so yeah, that's that. i dunno if it's something i'm "supposed" to talk about. but hell, that's never stopped me before. ha.

so this post wasn't very awe-inspiring, but i felt like writing. i hope you all are having a great time where you are. that's one thing that i have to keep reminding myself-- how important it is to be thankful for every day and enjoy what i have.

i've been listening to a lot of ani difranco lately. she really is superwoman. check her out if you haven't heard her music. or just go read some lyrics. they're the best. http://www.danah.org/Ani/

peace, love, happiness.

Dream Deferred

2005-09-21T17:54:00.000-07:00

What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore --
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?

-Langston Hughs (1902-1967)

what do you think?

2005-09-18T18:36:00.000-07:00

days have been dizzy in so many ways lately. high and then low. exciting and then boring. inviting and then scary. ultimately though, i've been pretty relaxed with whatever situations i've been in. now that i'm away "on my own" it's like i have no one to deal with but myself, and it's lifted such a weight. my parents are home either fighting or getting along, and it's not on me to deal with whatever their current state may be... and as much as i miss my friends, their stresses were always my stresses. they still are, but it's not as easy to be that involved when we're so far from one another.

so here i am. here i am! here i am? i've had a lot of time to look into mySELF lately. i'm dating a guy named brian. awesome person, fun to be around, great to talk to, intelligent.. just about meets every standard i've ever had for a guy. i was really excited for a while, because if you know me, you'll know that i basically have a dating disorder. for whatever reasons, i always seem to push guys away. in the past, i usually had pretty "good"reasons, too. haha.. for instance, "not liking this or that about this person or that person". who knows if they were "valid" but they were mine. and my friends supported my decisions. and i felt comfortable not needing any kind of relationship.
anyway, so i wasn't doing this with brian. i wasn't trying to find some reason to push him away because there just wasn't one! and the thing is... there still isn't! there's no reason to push away a great person who i really like, trust, and enjoy being around.

why then, rach, are you getting that overwhelming anxiety inside again? hmmm? why? i really don't know. but i do know that there's a reason and it's not him. and it's not my parents. and it's not anything but ME. there is no scapegoat to blame or friend to run to... there is only myself to look inside of and find some better answers than running away or pushing away. so i'm going to. i'm going to talk to the people at the mental health center (that's what i call the place.. haha, i dont know the real name) and schedule some appointments to talk to a psychologist. i mean hell -- it's free and beneficial to my LIFE and self and soul. and i care about myself enough to want to be able to be in a relationship with a person i like without.. ruining it. so yeah. that's what i'm going for.

italianchic311: you just have to believe in some long-term goodness and give up the easy escape
(this is what i miss about having my friends around)
((at the same time, i'm being forced to figure this shit out without them))

i was talking to brian today about having expectations for things. honestly, my whole life i have had negative expectations for love and relationships in general. i didn't understand how they worked or believed that they could. and oftentimes, we as people don't believe things until we see them.. we want empirical truths rather than just idealized hopes. and so many times, relationships have proven to fail right before my eyes. but i can't shoot down the experiment before i've even gone through the motions. espcially with someone who's so worth a try. so yeah.
i think it's espcially hard when we have comfortable solutions that aren't necessarily creating positive outcomes. we're comfortable with tragedy. we're used to heart break. i know i am. it was so easy for me to be in a extremely non-beneficial affair for two years of my life because my expectations were negative and i filled them. but i felt love through negativity.. so how do we feel love through positivity?? we have to start expecting it. and that's what i'm trying to do.

i feel like being here at towson really is working out for the best. things aren't so high key that i've gotten lost in every-day-living. it's been good not having too much going on because it really has given me the chance to look at myself more. this year is going to be great. i know i'm going to learn more about who i am just by being on my own.. and learning how to be with someone else who is wonderful.

ah, with all that said, send some encouragement my way. i want to believe in not just love or lust, but in true commitment and the idea of a functional and healthy relationship that has gotten so lost in our world of heartbreak, dishonesty and mistrust. the greatest loves are possible and do exist. if you have a story to share about successful love/relationships, please.. share share share! they're not heard enough. espcially not by my ears.

some days i wish i could fly

2005-09-11T10:34:00.000-07:00

the sky felt so far away today, as if there were no way of actually grasping it's magnitude, beauty, wonder. it felt as though it's size overwhelmed the ability to comprehend that something as small and large as the human heart could fit in the same world. but looking up made me feel closer to those who are so far away right now because i know the same sky reaches them, like a blanket big enough to comfort us all when we're cold.
the funny thing is that when you try to break the sky down into something small enough to hold in your hand, it can't be done. kind of like love, or humanity, or freedom, or repression. so you learn to fly across and through it, experiencing it like a bird, rather than killing it like a hunter.
i'm such a hunter sometimes though. hah. i mean look at me, typing away as fast as i can, trying to grasp some kind of fleeting feeling that eats away at me.
i really miss my friends. i'm having a good time here. but i miss my friends so much. and when i look up at the sky and think about living like a bird, i can't help but recognize that they fly together.

last night brian walked me home from his appartment and we stopped and just lied out on grass and looked up at the stars and talked. just sitting there it was kind of unspoken (before i spoke it, hah) how incredible it is that human nature begs for people to feel connected. we go to immeasurable heights just to reach that goal, that togetherness, that sense and feeling inside that our lives are more meaningful because they've been shared and understood.

i guess i kind of feel broken hearted because god, i am so in love with the people who have been in my life thus far. i am so in love with jodi and kathleen and micayla and judy and danielle and mike and ryan and lindsay and my mother and my father and my brother and the people who made my everyday life just mean more because i could share it with them. and the truth is, it hurts to be away from those people. i know that love still thrives, but it's crazy how much i feel like this huge hole is inside me without them around to just see what great lives they're living. i mean, i am SO thankful for beautiful technology like the internet that helps us stay connected and updated... and i wouldn't want my friends to be any other places.. because i know they're living the best they could be. they're making such amazing things out of their lives.. but GOOD LORD! haha.. it's so crazy to go from having the most incredible people on this planet in your everyday life, all the time... to well, just not spending that time together.

i smile when i cry about it because it's such a beautiful pain to feel. to love someone so much that you cry when you're not together.

and i want to go to college perk! that place was a second home! i'm going to have to make mikey pick me up and drive me there. haha. music has been a very close friend lately.

ah, well.. i've got a heavy load of work to do.

what a strange world it is. what a funny feeling it is to feel so much.

a little piece of rachael art::
because the world is ever changing... and we don't always know where the circle really ends... or if it even does.

texas & Katrina

2005-09-06T13:03:00.000-07:00

apologies to all of you avid rachael-readers (i know, there's just so many.. hahaha)... i've been busying about with class, getting acquated with college life, texas, and trying to figure out where i'll be landing come january '06.

so many things have sped through my mind lately--

i spent the holiday weekend in texas for my cousins bat mitzvah and shared a hotel room with my bubby (grandma). the weekend really was awesome -- from being with my parents who are two of the funniest people i know, to my drunken cousins, to hot beautiful south africans with sexy acents, to dancing around like the free lady i am, to laying by a pool and soaking up the sun... it was a great time. but there was one thing that kept bothering me.. about 50% of what my bubby talked about when we were in the room together was how being old sucks. from her messed up feet, to wrinkles, to forgetting things. and when she wasn't talking about things that sucked regarding being old, she was talking about things that sucked in the world. i kept telling her that wrinkles were beautiful and showed character. but she didn't agree. and it just made me hope that when i grow older, i'll focus more on the positive attributes of aging, like wisdom and knowledge. at every stage in life we are left with the option to savor and revel in our possibilities, or frown for those we cannot enjoy.. i just want to revel.

with that said, sometimes it's hard to revel in a life that provides us with so much less than the bare minimums. as we were flying down to texas, i kept thinking.. 'stop one state east and drop me off by new orleans! i want to help!' most of us are devestated by the lives, history, homes and beauty that was taken by Katrina... and at the same time, most of our lives continue on in a completely normal fashion, while theirs are at a stand still. so it goes, right? sucks to be them?

we can and should do more than carry on. we should stop and ask ourselves, WHAT AM I GOING TO DO ABOUT THIS? HOW am I going to HELP? if it were me, i'd want the country to give me a hand too.
i was shocked and really happy to hear my mom ask my dad if they could take a family in to our home for a few months since we have so many open rooms. i was even more shocked and happy to hear my dad say that it was a good idea and for my mom to get more information.
obveously we can't all house victims in our homes, but we can do something small like go to the redcross website and donate 25$, or have a bake sale and send the proceeds to the red cross, or go around campus with a collection bucket, or send paper plates, or plastic wear, or napkins, or bottled water. anything!

i donated 100$ from cash i made this summer to the red cross and tomorrow i'll be standing outside with signs and a donation bucket. i'm making pamphlets to hand out to students with info on the travesty, hopfully inspiring them to donate.

there are easy things that you can do, that might be out of your every-day cycle. but for you or i, one or two days might be spent in flux and then back to our normal lives. for the people of new orleans, normal life is no longer there for them to go back to-- they're forced to recreate it. let's help them.

http://www.redcross.org/

why i love the rain (in short)

2005-08-31T13:09:00.000-07:00

when it begins to rain my insides overwhelm with the belief that something so torrential and powerful has decided to bless us with its presence and drown us in eternity. rain exists for so much more than to upset our hair, or mood, or ends of our pants; it exists to continuously prove the inescapable cycle of life. drops hit my face as i look up and feel engulfed in gratitude to be part of the ever lasting.

2005-08-30T22:05:00.000-07:00

my first day of acting 101.

silence is a room full of noise yet not a soul speaking
with white walls and restless paws of anxiety
eyes hide their curiosity behind a mask of uncomfortability
and a clock ticks precious togetherness into an irrevocable past
excitement lies in fidgeting feet, echoing every untaken step
fear, not so relieved in sighs of apprehension
then suddenly...
a burst of blue decides to introduce words from lips and a hand that shakes sound to life!
and the dear strife of uncomfortable silence
whispers itself away. . .

thankfulness

2005-08-28T06:10:00.000-07:00

i decided that to help allieviate this sense of.. whatever, sadness... i'm going to write down the things i'm thankful for every day. call it what you may..

so today i'm thankful for eating breakfast that my parents are paying for and the opportunity that i have waiting before me to LEARN LEARN LEARN. (yay, learning's fun.) anddd for the experiences i've already had with project serve that really allowed me to help others who need it.

((don't worry, i'm not going to write on HERE what i'm thankful for every day. that's for mi JUICY journal.))

yall have a wonderful day. i'm going to eat breakfast. and enjoy the rain.

rach

"everything's not lost"

2005-08-27T08:51:00.000-07:00

it's been hard to feel like myself the past few days. in a school so large with no one that i know is on the same page, i really do feel lost in a way. i've met a lot of people.. all of them nice and interesting... but i guess these things take time. one girl from project serve seems really cool.. i've been hanging out with her a lot.. and the woman who led the community service project i did is really understanding and compassionate. i went in to talk to her yesterday because i was just feeling so overwhelmed. i'm glad i had/have someone i know i can go talk to if i need to. haha, i'll probably be there a lot.

it's just weird/hard because at home, the person who i am was constantly being reaffirmed and encouraged, and now i'm here alone... really on my own to figure out how i can reaffirm/encourage myself. and it's a challenge for sure.

the other weird thing is when people from home (jo, kat, my mom.. whoever lol) encourage me i feel even more sad.. like i can't do it on my own, or like i'm depending on them from a far.

i think i really just need to stay true to who i am inside and let it shine. let people get to know me for me. i gotta find a little more love from inside myself towards myself and just know that everything is and will continue to be working out.

we went to a men's homeless shelter one morning for project serve. we helped to prepare their lunch and clean up around the shelter some. the whole day grabbed my interest so much because the shelter constantly advocated that "God is always the same".. it was such a powerful source of hope for these me who's lives had been so tumultuous and full of unknowns.

i think about God and spirituality a lot.. so many late night conversations were spent with that topic at hand.. and in the past few days i haven't been able to stop wondering how my itty bitty soul relates to something much much bigger. after the whole project serve was over, the group went out to dinner to celebrate kind of.. and talking to a few girls, i realized that i have this burning desire inside to explore a spiritual journey.. find answers to some of the questions bouncing around in my mind. maybe us humans aren't as strong on our own as i thought we were, and we need something bigger and constant like friendships or love from god to keep us feeling supported. or maybe i just don't have it together inside myself yet.

we shall see.

"God is a concept by which we measure our pain." -John Lennon

i love you guys, and miss those of you who are oh so close to my heart. like coldplay says, "everything's not lost"... it's really not. life, in it's messy and disasterous form, is here for us to understand that in it's confusion, a coexistance of complex beauty overrides what we mistake for horror.
love.

in honor of bukowski and yuri (style-wise)

2005-08-22T22:23:00.000-07:00

going away to college

my mother kissed me on the cheek
put her arms around me
and said,
"it's your last night sleeping
in your room...
but you'll be back"

a lump formed in my throat

will i be back?

yes, in two weeks
to go to Texas
for my cousin's Bat Mitzvah

surly, sometime then
i will cuddle up under the warm covers
of my comfortable
safe bed
and sleep again
in my room.

my room is my sanctuary

2005-08-20T09:13:00.000-07:00

i've been packing my room little by little in the past few days... i started early because i knew it would take me a long time. not because everything i have to pack.. but because i'm apprehensive about packing.

i started packing up my desk. and then i realized that i'm going to take things off my walls. and then i started crying. these walls have been like a manifestation of ME! haha.. ahh...

so this morning i woke up and decided that i'm going to just pack up and go. take with me what i am and what expresses that. and leave this room behind. bring myself someplace new.

as a tribute to the piece of art i've lived in for however long:

adios, dear room.

my favorite faces

2005-08-18T01:21:00.000-07:00

2005-08-18T00:06:00.000-07:00

our lives get packed away into cardboard boxes and rubbermaid containers, and soon we're crying, squeezing each other as hard as we possibly can, thinking that maybe if we hold on tight enough, none of the irreplacable experiences we've shared will slip away with time and space. maybe we'll be able to take every little bit we've learned with us, every stupid act we've committed, every difference we've made in someone elses life.. just everything that runs so deeply through our souls and encourages/inspires us to continue on.

i used to send e-mails out to all of my friends when i was in middle school with passages that started something like that and then miraculously turned around into some optimistic yet bitter sweet lesson about life.

tonight i don't have the energy to do it. nor do i feel like finding it.

since i started this blog, i've had people mention to me something i wrote that they had read or just mention that they read my blog.. people who i just never knew read this. if you're one of those people.. or just anyone..someone who i've stopped talking to, someone who i barely know, someone who i've known forever.. tonight i could really use some words of love. you can post anonymous. but i'm asking for some thoughtful words.. about anything. i want to know how people are living.

i leave for school the 23rd. until then i'll be packing my room up, and taking care of any/all unfinished business i can find. i don't want to leave with things untied.

there are so many things i want to say to so many people.. and there's no way i'll get them all said. that's okay... but yeah, it's the time to say the things we want to say.

i already miss kathleen's kitchen and mom.

it's all meant so much that this lump in my throat just won't subside.

2005-08-14T22:05:00.000-07:00

a light glows above our souls
as we express eternity
by sitting together in place
filling so much space
in such simple measures
and i am overwhelmed
by the strangeness of my feelings
by the strangeness of feeling

green grass blades in normalcy
stroon across beds of brown
we're just hanging around
and i finally see that we fit right in
under the light
night after night after night
with so much out of sight
but somehow in our reach
and i am honestly frightened
by the unavoidable chord of emotion
that plays in no particular direction
above such normal grass

i find my eyes
praying on the hands
that strum love into the air
and hum honest, gentle care
an atmosphere that simply exists
because we create the bliss of life
and god, it brings my heart strife
to have no destination
no soul to seek
no captured bottle of beauty
to wear around my neck
close to my heart, always

this drug rises in the air
without giving bystanders a fair chance
to run before they fall
and suddenly we're all trapped together
under a light that fools the weather man
(he wouldn't understand
that sometimes we create our own forecast)

tonight it's pouring dry tension
sweet and light like a beautiful white wine
that won't seem to get me drunk
and i just wish that it would rain
so i could actually feel something
that hits

2005-08-13T21:41:00.000-07:00

the grasshoppers hum a tune not so tense
compared to the sparse seconds of silence that fill any free space
while leaving it just as empty

without the key to the house of habits where silence is expected
and unable to rely on unbreakable, but bearable assumptions
they are trapped with everywhere to go

a desperate call of help reaches the other line
"help, we're locked out of our anguish
and it's only causing us more"

with a tired smirk of sympathy
frankenstein comes to free his creator
rather than deem retaliation

relieved to return to an acceptable agony
one brought on by their own free will
sir sinks into his recliner
and lady, her couch
accompanied by the sacred television
that never fails, for inside here
the programs are on a schedule
and every silence is planned
and purposeful

an explanation could be helpful

2005-08-10T20:15:00.000-07:00

so that last little poem i just spit out in a few minutes.. and i don't really know if i'm saying what i mean, or if i'm just plopping it all into some artistic little crap. haha but yeah.

i want to dive into more things without such hesitation and apprehension. for example, i want to open myself up to dating. sounds silly. haha. so silly that i really do laugh. because i get along great with people. and i LOVE people. and i love the concept of sharing life and beauty and experiences with others.. but the truth is, the possibility of actually being happy in a serious, long-term relationship with a guy seems so unreal to me, that i don't test the opportunity at all. and i've psycho-analyzed myself enough to know why i don't want to date. i'm afraid of being in a relationship like my parents. i'm afraid shitless of being unhappy with another person, so much that i refuse to be unhappy with another person. so i don't even try it if it seems like it would lend to being unhappy at all.
funny/interesting/amazing/wonderful/WEIRD thing is, in the past two weeks my parents have been getting along, as in making each other laugh, for the first time in my entire life. not like that.. undoes the damage, persay, but it does add a twist to the equation.
but anyway, i just want to move forward from my past and step out of my damn habitual inclination to not allow myself emotional investment in a guy, and just be more light hearted about it all.

i was thinking in the car tonight about the concept that older people who follow their dreams when they're young, whether they "achieve" them or not, are always happier as older people... and i just realized that since i was little, my biggest dream really was to fall in love. as young and hopeless as that sounds, it's the truth. and with every endeavor i pursue, i'm almost denying myself of my true hopes... covering up my deepest wishes with other things to acclaim myself for achieving.
i have a lot of big "goals" and feats i dream of accomplishing for humanity... but right now, i think i've been avoiding my dearest dreams for myself because i've been afraid. and honestly, that's just not what i want to do.

2005-08-10T19:39:00.001-07:00

explore more! this dear little mind
begs this heart the inhibition to find
the scream, the plead, the necessity
from within
to act, laugh, grieve, plead

please, dear darling
who are we startling?
with our monotone reactions
and simple distractions
from the harsh hardships we try to ignore
from the extreme beauties we dare not implore
of one another
of life

strife! this dear little heart
cries this mind the courage to start
searching for compassion
un-answered-for reasoning
and a gaze with more meaning to the pain
than a bruise or mark it leaves
because our eyes were made to see in front
and our minds were made to look within

so many days i can't find where to begin
with all the world's mess and all of it's best
battling out right before us
the trouble comes
when i forget this battle's not one
for winning or losing
but more, for choosing
how to see each other for what we are
how to see how far we've come from our start
and where we each wish to go

i don't think i know
the rhyme to the world
the twist to the swirl
the kink to the girl
but without inquisition
i've got no beginning
and i'm tired of having
no where to start

2005-08-06T10:36:00.000-07:00

it had nothing to do with you
nothing to do with the level of
conversation
darling, we both know
we both know how
conversation comes and goes
through rows of swinging doors
and likes to take hold
when shared with another elderly soul

so we found solace in speaking
softly, our hearts aligning
slowly, realizing
surly, it had nothing to do with us
yet, nothing seemed so important
as where we stood
together

so alone, standing there
savoring the bond
of separation
keeping us connected
it had nothing to do with me
the inclination, the speeding
desire to revel through the wires
of my mind
it had nothing to do with me
nothing to do with me
when there's nothing to do
with me, you'll see
you'll see
that it had nothing to do with me

hand in hand, lying
on the grasses of eternity
staring into somber stars
looking through old glass jars
mars stopped trying to hide
it's life from us
and suddenly we saw it all
together, testing
the validity of our sight
asking, "might this be real?"
it had nothing to do with us
the glimpses of truth
we were able to steal
from a world so surreal

it had nothing to do with us
it was what they call luck
when two people can lie
hand and hand
alone
and be shown
something new
that proves both how right and wrong
we've always been
and pulls the witnesses from within
toward each other

it had nothing to do with you
and everything to do with who
or what
pushed through
to open the door

2005-08-01T22:53:00.000-07:00

i set up an account for iTunes, and let's just say it's dangerous.

maybe i should look into a free music downloader that won't mess my computer up. suggestions? i tried Oink. and then i had to re-install my entire mac. so yeah.. haha, other suggestions?

2005-07-30T20:49:00.000-07:00

balanced on the fulcrum of time
carefully counting the ceaseless motion
observing with a certain strangeness
despite our motion, that we are not moving

until suddenly, we disappear
falling into a hole of pristine existence
and anguish and entertaining
twinklings of time

where were we going
without knowing
where we were going?

it seems as though no one knows
as the sun shines over
the newly set bricks

humidity rains at a pace
just missing perceptible
until our skin begins to gather
the weight of the water
from the relentless sky
and like corpulence
we are restrained by our encumbrance

the see saw continues
in oscillation
until we decide
to lift ourselves
to seperate
and find somewhere new
to play.

inquiries i'd appreciate input on

2005-07-29T20:57:00.000-07:00

1. what are your views on "gender roles"?
2. can you fully love and fully live as an individual simultaneously?
3. are your answers going to affect mine in any way? (this is a trick question.. muahaha).. still, i'd like to hear some voices other than my own.

so i've discovered facebook. haha.. what a cool connector. (that sounds so lame. ha.. that's alright, i enjoy being fruity)

i'm really excited for school. really fricking excited.

jodi, judy and i met these really interesting fellas from Brown the other night at college perk.. they were doin a road trip from RI to New Orleans, coffee-house-hopping with their original songs guiding the way. (sound like a familiar mission?..yeah, too bad it didn't work out for us.) anyway, one of the two, jeff, kept looking at us in awe as we were talking about whatever "proactive" topic at hand.. and so we finally asked him why he was so amazed with us.. and basically he went into this whole schpeal (is that really a word? is that how it's spelled? no one ever answers my aside-questions) about how he couldn't believe that we were such "go getter" type people, and females.
at the time it didn't anger me at all, and really, it still doesn't.. just because i'm not the angry type.. but looking back, it was sort of ignorant eh, whatever.. at least we gave him something more to muse over. and he was definitely a cool guy. it was actually really good...
anyway, he had some valid marks to make.. he asked us, for example, if because we are such "strong minded individuals" guys were afraid of us.. or intimidated? (the answer was pretty much yes)
but then! ben (the other fella) just kind of smirked and said, "it's not that they're afraid.. it's that they're impressed" (i liked this answer much more)

but i'm wondering now, if it's possible for two people of any sex to be in a relationship with out being in a compitition. i believe it is.. or have hope anyway. i've been in a few of the sort. (friendships and such) they've always be the most meaningful ones. but it's interesting how one person always seems to take the dominate role. is equality in a relationship really attainable? should we even be reaching for it? i think maybe what we should be striving for more than equality, is respect of individuality... even if ones individuality consists of insecurities. that's just who we are. so yeah, i answered my questions to a degree.

what do you think?

concierto de ani

2005-07-27T13:04:00.000-07:00

kate and i, and superwoman.

(we had to be covert with our picture taking)

a liberation not many have found

2005-07-26T22:04:00.000-07:00

it's late, my eyes are somewhat dragging, but my mind is racing too much for sleep.. despite my 8 am wake up call to serve the spoiled-columbian-too-lazy-to-cook-themselves-a-damn-meal-citizens (some who are interesting, some who tip well, and some who are unfortunately unhappy)

let's just note for the 100th time, ani difranco is superwoman.

now, to the point:

i'm sitting passenger seat next to kate on the way home from the [kick ass] ani concert tonight when it dawned on me (for some nth time) how free we are to ACT. the question then lingers with, if we are so free to act, why are we so static? WHY are we so static? why are we so STATIC? why are we SO static?

broken down, our actions spring from a very logical cycle. (that is, of course, more relative to me than might be to you, since i'm not all-knowing)

first, we are small. we are without answers.
then, we do or don't make the decision that we want to be bigger.
if we decide we do, we fill with endless curiosity.
we ask why, how, for what reason, to whom it's healing or harming, when will these actions have consequences, will they? we long to know SOMETHING. some sort of answer.
and then, we explore. we hunt. we venture forward in search of solutions.
and eventually, we find answers.
and then we grow confident that our answers are beneficial to more than just ourselves.
so finally, we take action.

so where's the problem. easy cycle, right? well there's trouble in every step. the truth is, none of that stuff is ACTUALLY easy. each god damn step has something to trip you up. and it all starts in the beginning.
if we cannot accept that we are currently small, then we can never truly move past that state, free of our egos. (egos are something we should earn) it's like that fight club quote, "maybe we have to break everything to make something better out of ourselves"... now maybe we don't have to BREAK, but i mean, i just think humility has to exist before we can develop from a clean slate. are we not humble at birth?
and then what, so we're humble.. and we decide, damn we want some answers! now in chimes the institution, feeding every possible answer they can think up that is so ultimately correct. now, in chimes your fear to question outside of the institution. now in chimes your guilt for thinking outside of the institution. now you're stuck.
okay, so you're over that... or working on it.. and it's time to GO.. to be the huntress! well shit, where are the answers? what are you really searching for? HOW IN GOD'S NAME DO YOU SEARCH? how do you EXPRESS these voyages? how do you explain to all those people who got lost at step one that you've decided to work for the bigger woman than the big man. how do you explain to yourself that you're different?
so you figure it out. you're lewis and you find clark. you build a railroad. or find one that already exists. and you go. you transcend the haze that sits at the steps behind you, and you search.
holy cow, you find an epitome at the top of the hazy mountain and you can almost see a dark chocolate slide that will ride you all the way down on joy and sweetness! BUT what is joy if it is not shared? and how do you share something you're not completely sure will make any sense to anyone. i mean after all, you just spoke in 3 paragraphs of metaphor. "normal" people don't really think that's "cool". but fuck it. you're gonna spread it like butter across potato bread and if they eat it up, good. if not, well you sure do like potato bread and butter.
and now, your voice has been heard.. most likely you've got at least someone who cares to lobby for your cause. and boom. tis time to act.

good lord! THIS is why we are static. this is WHY we are static. this is why we are STATIC. look at how long that damn process was.

nonetheless,

we are free to act, once we free ourselves.

free yourself.

and if these words were jumbled, which i suppose they were.. i hope the message was still clear.

goodnight, loves.

mr. bill and reasons why he is the greatest man alive!

2005-07-26T10:14:00.000-07:00

if you don't know the wonderful mr. william timberlake... well, i'll just have to fill you in.. because he is the greatest individual i have ever come across. way too good to miss out on. this blog will consist of many "mr. bill always says"s

i went to lunch with mr bill today to have one of our long missed talks, and the 72 year old man hasn't changed a cent since i met him 3 years ago at Mobil. looking me straight in the eye, gesturing his veiny but stren hands in my direction, mr. bill said, "now, the most important thing in life is to love yourself and do what's best for you! because there's not anybody in this world who's going to be able to love you more than yourself."

mr bill is famous for his wise maxims... and somehow, they always seem to pop up just when i need them in some god-sent fashion. Today mr bill started talking about the past... and how once we move forward, we should never go back... because it only hurts. He used the analogy of a new car.. he said if the time comes and you decide to get rid of the old car you've been driving for years and invest in a new one.. and then something doesn't work out.. you can't pay for it etc.. you still need to find a way to move forward. going back to the old car is like eating regurgitated food. (alright, he didn't say that, but that's what i made of it)

the irony of the situation is that today as i was driving home from a meeting for work (before lunch), i decided to turn left and drive past Atholton. i ended up pulling into the empty junior parking lot and sitting in park in front of the school i spent the past four years of my life in. i began reminising over all of the memories, growth, laughs, pain, challenge, fun i've experienced in that school. and then i just cried. haha. i hadn't been emotional about leaving high school once until today. when i sat there. and i realized how much that place has meant to me and that i'm really moving on.
i took a deep breath, put the car in drive, and went home.

i don't intend on never going back.. i mean, i'll watch a soccer game.. or bball game or musical or what have you.. but man, it was just really good to hear mr bill say that. once you go... you've gotta keep going. it's so easy to look back and feel nostalgic. about anything.. an old place, and old friend, an old love, an old feeling.. i mean, it's more natural to do that than to just go and go and go... but it's so important not to get lost in the past, but to move forward with every new day.

mr bill also consistantly talks to me about finding "the right kind of man".. haha, he always says to me... don't give away your love until the man has worked for it. it's funny, because i don't want to make "my love" some kind of task to work for... but the truth is, i really do have standards, and i really am concerned with someone wanting to be in a functional relationship. mr bill always says, "now.. the three most important things in a relationship are trust, communication, and walking hand in hand. it's continually working for one another so that when the time comes and you're older and someone's health starts to go, you'll always have those things you started with to fall back on." granted, i'm not planning on getting married any time soon.. at all.. but i don't really intend on being in a kind of half-assed relationship either. (which is why i'm just never in them)

anyway, i wish everyone could sit down and have mr. bill talk to them with his veiny hands pointing sternly and his old gaze looking them in the eye.. but since there's only one of him and however many billion of us.. hopfully, something can be taken from this blog.

leaving you with some mr bill maxims: (imagine a 5'6'' 72 yr old man with a sist on the side of his face and a funny souther drawl saying these with a sterm but friendly smile)

"every day's a good day... because i make it one!"
"ahhh... i'm the best!"
"my pops always said that if he found out from anyone in town that i had done something bad, instead of from me, that i'd be more sorry than moonshine. i always ran to him and told him whenever i got my hands into trouble!"
"when god does something that i'm not happy about, i go out onto the middle of the football field at night, raise my arms, and let him hear it!"
"life's not worth arguing over. when people try to argue with me, i just say, 'okay! you're right!' and walk away"
"respect everyone. you never know when you'll be where they are."
"when the man treats the woman like a queen, the woman will give the man the best sex he's ever had." (yes, it gets sort of awkward when mr. bill talks to me about sex. hahaha
"BE WHO YOU ARE, and don't let anyone tell you what's best for you."

"it's time to walk out into the world and show them the wonderful person that you are"

(you heard the man, go on now! show em!)

strange change

2005-07-25T18:01:00.000-07:00

(i only sort of intended for that to rhyme.)

what an odd feeling and strange happening.. when someone who used to be such a large part of your life becomes a near stranger.. and all the while, they remain understood by you in every way. they're just no longer... there.

it's not so weird that it happens...that our lives move on and change and we've got no good choice but to keep on going.. i guess it can just be uncomfortable when you still care. and it only leaves me to wonder if all of life works that way on a relative scale. it seems to me that it does.

"everything good needs replacing"... i can't remember what that's from. feel free to chime in if you know.

if we were able to manifest all of the experiences of our "pasts" without focusing so much on the idea that they no longer exist, we wouldn't be left with longing hearts... but rather, hearts full of so much life.

nevertheless, changes like these certainly affect the mind.

a heart warming observation.

2005-07-24T09:57:00.000-07:00

Our world, with it's great masses of individuals, carries on so incessantly that sometimes we almost neglect to appreciate the monumental affects that we so easily have on one another by our mere existence. Someone's always watching, observing, forming a connection between themselves and you. Yes, us people, we get lost sometimes in ourselves... and in the mean time, we miss all of the people who are getting lost in us as well. But it's a cylce for sure, with no real beginning or end, and at the most beautiful and rare moments, we catch ourselves catching others eyes on us, and we realize how dear we are to one another and what a touching trap of unity we are in.

i'm listening to this compilation CD of "Baltimore Songwriters" just thinking how these people have absolutely no clue (or maybe a small clue) who/how many people might listen to their words, songs, hearts... and be affected. And they're just making music because it's IN them. They're just expressing what needs to get out. And it's having a beautiful affect on me. So yeah.. to all of you artists out there... keep it up. In fact, to all of you people who are just being you... keep it up. Keep up the good things you do. They affect people in such wonderful and positive ways.
Because we ARE in a trap of unity. And it really is touching.

2005-07-22T20:24:00.001-07:00

a home of three
split in the tide of time
tearing apart at every end
but living in so much spirit and warmth

so many miles now in distance from piece to piece
but only instants apart
by the measure of the wind
and the calling of the clouds
and the dance of the birds over waters

only in a place
where insecurity overwhelms the heart
does distance measure closeness

with every bead of air
that hits the face of changes
comes a bead of simplicity
acknowledging and overriding fear

just another home in store
along another river
where the tide flows
despite the time
and where warmth lives
no matter the temperature

in life, an infinite home
the earth to the heart
the heart to the body
the body to the water
the water to the tide

and we float on
in all directions

-a poem written on the way home from [kick ass] white water rafting.

today has been long and wonderful. 5 am wake up call and 9 am arrival to PA/the yaugheihney river and 10 am boat departure and 5 pm boat return and i can't really remember the rest...

so tomorrow there's this big art festival deal in baltimore and i think i might do that instead of art day with grandma. i mean really, she'd understand. haha.. then james taylor concert tomorrow night.... which i still have to buy a ticket for. hmm.

anyway, tonight on the way home jodi and i got into a discussion about god and religion and "spirituality" (continued from the wednesday night college perk cult talk)... and i will definitely post with the message tomorrow or sometime when i'm not so wiped out. (WIPED OUT ;) get it.. white water rafting..hahaaa)... yeah. i'm sleepy if you can't tell. what else? hmm. no clue. too currently dazed. mountains are fricking beautiful. i love them. that's all

goodnight. i hope you enjoy the poem.

also, slaughter-house-five is a really awesome book.

2005-07-22T20:20:00.000-07:00

so yeah, i spelled habit wrong. haha

pictures of these crazy people..

2005-07-20T14:07:00.000-07:00

breaking habbits

2005-07-19T23:30:00.000-07:00

Your inclinations and habitual behaviors are leading you to do what?

Sometimes, we are led by habbit to exactly the place we want to be in because our habbits have positive results. (You feel inclined to compliment those who deserve it, and it brings you joy to make someone else feel their worth.) Other times, we are led by habbit to exactly the place we're used to being in, but really don't enjoy. (You feel inclined to mock or pick at those who are easy targets to suffice your insecurities, but it only worsens your respect for yourself.) There are tons of examples as to how our habbits make or break us... and it's up to us if we're going to let the habbits that break us live, or if we're going to strive off of our positive inclinations.

It had been my habbit for years (and still is to a degree) to be involved in my parents dysfunctional marriage and feel responsible for their happiness. The gravity of the situation only recently dawned on me, and the idea that it was habitual was even newer. Upon really realizing my circumstances, well first.. I cried. Then once tucked away some of my overflowing emotions, I realized that it was a decision I would have to make to either continue feeling hurt and unhappy with every argument that I allowed myself to take part in (even if it meant as much as just listening and thinking up resposes to their arguments with one another), or to really and truly uninvolve and uninvest myself in something that was ultimately having a negative effect on my well being. Well, I'm still at that stage where I'm choosing to break my detrimental habbit (because it is a process), but just knowing that I'm moving along has made such a large difference.

It seems as though the process is as follows: First, realize your habbit. Second, realize the negative effects it's having on your life, your soul, and your morality. Third, want to disconnect from that negativity. Last... well, I'm thinking, impliment your strenghts in areas that can offer positive results forming new and fulfilling habbits, and leave behind those habbits that were essentially keeping you chained to negativity.

It's been hard to break away when I live in a house with my parents and being around them is so constant... which is part of the reason why for a long time i was just dying to move out of my house (i still feel this way, on certain days more than others)... but i think what's important is that I know I need to not only free myself from the habbits I've formed on the surface with my parents, but free myself from all of the detriments I picked up along the way; ie thinking love is unattainable, thinking I am incapable of being in a happy relationship because I'm so used to one that fails, thinking that I am destined to give up on the people I do love because that has been my surroundings.

I feel good about breaking these habbits, because I know they're for the best. (the third step..wanting to disconnect). And I'm finding ways to do so.

I just really think it's important for us as people to step back and evaluate our habbits... because if we don't, some day we might find ourselves so far tangled in a mess of unfulfilling rituals that we lose those sparks that reside within each of us to do good things!

so yeah, what habbit do you want to break? ...what habbit do you want to develope more?

hungry for adventure...

2005-07-19T09:25:00.000-07:00

...and being fed!!

what a beautiful trip this will be. jodi, mike and i are looking for a fourth party to come along for the ride. if you're interested let me know!! we leave tomorrow morning butt early, and i can promise this will be a trip you won't forget. :).
... expected spending won't be more than 300$.... probably closer to 200$...

that's all. here are some pictures of the mirrors we're trying to sell. haha...

kathleen did the orange and blue one, jodi did the really colorful one, and i did the black and blue ones.

with that, i'm off to paint another.. one with more color.. lol. have a great day! and leave one if you wanna come along for the trip!!

PEACE

calling all southerners!

2005-07-16T09:26:00.000-07:00

drum roll please....

jodi and i are heading to the dirty ole' south from the 20th to the 23rd! where exactly? north carolina with a possible detour to atlanta, georgia! we're leaving wednesday morning around 6am and starting our journey to Charlotte, NC. (7.5 hr drive) we're thinking we'll hang around for the afternoon.. check out the "smelly cat coffeehouse" and the North Davidson Arts District (NODA).. if there's much to offer we'll hang around for the night and find a cheap hotel... if not, we'll head west to the beautyland of Asheville, NC. (2.5 hrs from charlotte to asheville) we've been researching online and have found TONS of awesome adventures and beautiful NON EXPENSIVE places to get lost in amidst Asheville... BUT, if all else fails and we find the urge to continue on the road, Atlanta, GA is an easy 2.5 hrs away with endless awesome routes to persue.

BASICALLY, i'm posting all this because if you happen to come across this blog and you're from the area of exploration... feel free to leave a comment of recommendation to any cool, artsy, musical, friendly, eclectic environment you may know of.

what ARE we trying to gain from this trip? well, after 300$ or so we're planning on spending for 4 days on the road, it'd be cool to make a buck or two back. how? jodi and i are on a mission to create purchasable art, (small painted mirror frames, painted picture frames, original photography greeting cards, jodi's kick ass cd)... and we're going to carry around our newly found (from the depths of my basement) vintage olive-green suitcase, with a sign on the inside for when it's open that will read, "BUY CHEAP ART TO SUPPORT MEANINGFUL ADVENTURES!"

haha.. who knows if we'll make any profit.. but it'll be fun, and it's worth a shot, ey? could pay for lunch a day or two.. haha.

but yeah... i suppose the main purpose of our journey will be to endulge in cool conversation, meet interesting people, and have a grand old time exploring the many museums and different theatres and coffee houses of the south.
we've found a few open mic nights for jodi to play at and we'll probably just talk about our little adventure we're on.. and try to advertise our art. haha...

anyway, basically i'm excited as anything.. and trying to spend all of my spare time creating art to sell.

suggestions, comments, and encouragement are welcome by all means! or you know, if you wanna tag along... there's space! (and the hotels would be cheaper! haha)

i'll post some pictures of the mirror frame when i'm done. peace, loves.

2005-07-14T20:32:00.000-07:00

finally, the guitar gets the attention it deserves!

kathleen and i at the perk

i love you, ani d

2005-07-12T16:32:00.000-07:00

born a lion
-ani difranco

i'm not hurting anyone
i'm just telling my truth
and if there
if there is something wrong
then maybe
there's something wrong with you
what's the big deal
get over it
relax
just 'cause i do up in your face
what other people do behind your back
why we all gotta look
gotta act the same
i say
if you're born a lion
don't bother trying to act tame
everything i do
i do for the first time
i got a big crush on you
and it's crushing my mind
can i follow you home
and listen to you think
leave my lip prints on your cups
leave my hairs in your sink
they think i'm out there
out there living on the fringe
well
this is my world
and i invited them in
they should try living
by my rules for a day
nobody would die
there'd be lots of stuff to say
i'm not hurting anyone
no i'm not hurting anyone

flipping bills

2005-07-12T12:37:00.000-07:00

i wrote this poem a few days before i left for boston in college perk:

flipping bills
paying the runner of the mill
to play my fill of expression for the evening
a penny for a chord
then a nickle for one more
just to afford a way through the madness

sometimes we mistake dis-ease for sadness
uncomfortable are we?
with gladness

i'm thankful to feel at all
to question what calls me
and where i beckon
.. i don't really reckon i'll get there without paying a buck
but a certain side of me
drives me
to test my luck

driving up hill, north to where i free myself from this brick built house

sometimes the mouse
gets snapped by the trap
and sometimes
it just doesn't fall for it

sometimes life calls for running on no gas
and passing
the limits
that kill

we need to find our fill
flipping bills
driving up hill
fighting, even still before we've fallen

the music stops
and you could hear a pin drop
or god forbid a heart beat

they say,
"i can write whatever i please
just please don't test me too much"

FUCK.
we must test ourselves
or we're selling ourselves short

every "could" or "would" or "should"
is another passive voice

sorry, but i must pass on the choice
to avoid
life
with every ugly angle and degree
that it entails for me

oh the beauty of proactivity!

2005-07-11T20:29:00.000-07:00

i just want to note for the record that since i got home from boston i've been feeling a butt load better than before i left. thank you mom for initiating some pro-activity in me.

last night was fun... jodi, kathleen and i all sat around my kitchen table with our wonderful mothers drinking coffee and eating sweets... talking, laughing, sheding a few tears, recounting and telling great stories... etc... it was wonderful. jodi's mom was talking about the myers briggs personality typing for a little bit and eventually got to the catagory of "perceiving vs. judging". "judgers" are much more concerned with actually FINISHING what they start... organizing themselves in a fashion that will lead them to getting things DONE. "percievers" on the ohter hand, begin projects or tasks or sentences for that matter, and don't always finish them... becasue the energey gets lost somewhere along the way and assigned to a NEW project that will soon be dropped in the same mannor (unless, of course, the project is of high interest to that "perceiver") so anyway.. i was just thinking about myself, looking around my room at all of my unfinished projects (i'm a super "perceiver") and just thought... you know, i love that i don't have to plan everything out and that i get distracted and i'm very spontaneous.. but at the same time, i want to make sure that as i get older, i don't let that spontaneity (sp) get off track and receed into a static laziness. i hope that i continue to find new interests constantly and the urge to explore varrying tasks.

it's easy to fall into a rut and not know how to get yourself out of it.. espcially if you innately follow the path of whatever mood you happpen to be in. i mean, HOW do you get out of a bad place if you can't essentially schedule yourself out of it?... by being PROACTIVE! by taking actual physcial steps toward the root of the problem, toward confrontation, and toward DEALING. my trip to boston was proactive because i got to face and explore new solutions for what was dragging me down: my dred of what next year would be like.

sometimes it's as much as writing a list of everything that's actually bothering you. and then writing a list of ways to aide those troubles. i think the key to getting out of a rut is to really face what's causing the rut. from there, answers are much easier.

with that said.. my dad's going to buy a mini coup in towson.. (sweet, hand me down car).. and the dealership just so happens to be right tear TU. so yeah, i'm going with him to visit the campus that i've never seen of the university i'm going to in the fall.

happy trails. <3

(kathleen and i went bike riding today for an hour or so... it was awesome. i love you kathleen)

if you're still reading.

2005-07-09T17:07:00.000-07:00

a silent tear
sitting a far
sighing
crying
knowing
that speaking
would be
breaking
all the rules
that i formed
to save myself
to heal my
hurting
to ease the
longing

a silent scream
of pain
and loss
and sadness
knowing
that the love
we try
to kill
does not die
love
only dies
when it loses
life

a living dream
that haunts
my sleep
the only place
i still see
you gazing
from a far
at me

so far now
from the dream
we lived
dreamers, though
always dream

a quick close
of the eyes
for a moment
i return
my heart opens
and then my eyes
and then
we finally die

but all it takes
is a quick shut eye
and there
we are
alive

i cry.

an inspiring story from "the journey"

2005-07-08T10:47:00.000-07:00

http://www.thejourneyfilm.com/journeyfilm/characters_06.htm

this is definitely worth the read... and the whole website/documentary is worth checking out.

embrace the beauty of the day! -love

what are you struggling with?

2005-07-07T23:32:00.000-07:00

so jodi and i watched this documentay/movie called "the journey" the other night and a theme that remained as this man and his crew drove across country trying to mend the gap between genereations was "what are you struggling with?" they interviewed tons of people; old, young, famous, successful... and got an assortment of different answers.. but the important lesson was that everyone struggles.. and a lot of our struggles can be related universally if we are willing to hear them from one another. if we're willing to be open and compassionate to one another, rather than judgemental. if we want to listen and offer help, rather than give a cold sholder or a look of pity. so that's something i think is very important, and something that i'm working on.

well lately, as you may know, i've been struggling a lot. with college, with friends, with family, with work, with all of the change that's about to undergo.. and that already has due to such large anticipations.

it's easy for me to want to defend myself as a person.. to want to say, "this is who i've BECOME from all of my PAST and i would like acknowledgement for that.... and that's all".. but the problem is, that can't be all. new problems are always arising. new situations that call for new solutions.. and i'm learning that if i try to solve new problems with the same old solutions, then i end up attaching an old problem to a new one, making for a much larger mess. i end up pulling my past into my present. and i can't do that anymore. so i'm struggling very much with that.
i'm also struggling with not wanting to admit my feelings that are hard. such as, "i'll miss you very much and that hurts", but when i try to supress that for whatever reason, backhanded negativity sort of seeps out from within me towards the very people who i love and will miss the most. (sorry jo)
i've been struggling with wanting to control my future rather than enjoy my present. trying to make decisions about northeastern and towson and how i'm GOING to feel and adjust before i even get there... or even connect myself to either school at all.

i've been struggling with a lot... and just talkign about it all has helped me to get through these things. just being more open and honest with MYSELF about what i'm really struggling with has sort of presented easier solutions on its own. i've got a ways to go... but i feel a lot better.

on the way home from boston, i asked my dad, "what are you struggling with?"
he said, "that i busted my knee and now i can't practice my golf swing"
i kept asking him, and just sitting there quietly hoping for a response (this is what the guy in the movie did when people gave him silly answers) and eventually he said he was struggling with the well being, happiness and success of his children.

what are you struggling with?

independence day!

2005-07-07T18:38:00.000-07:00

alright, i'll back track for a moment... this 4th of july i felt a strange pride in being "American". not in our government or in our current world relations necessarily... but in our great diversity and opportunity and freedom. i remember walking towards the lake, looking around at all of the assorted nationalities of people, and just smiling. it was just a good feeling and a good moment to see so many different backgrounds celebrating the united states. i think there's a lot i take for granted about being an american... or a lot i don't really understand/am out of touch with.. so yeah, i want to explore that.
PLUS, who better to share blanket space with than kat jo and the males of the happy house of love?? haha.. it was a great night overall, and i was sad to cut it short. (i was departing for boston at 3a.m. the next day.) here are some pics to recap the eve.

jodi and i on the blanket... and who's that in the back??

OOH it was kathleen ;)

home

2005-07-07T17:55:00.000-07:00

here i am. good ole columbia, MD. waitresses smile and greet. southern food isn't unusual, it's not even coined. it's not 65 degrees during the summer. the dog barks. and i turn up a tree-lined street to get to my brown brick, black shutter house.

the trip to boston was successful. i'm not going there in the fall. i'd basically just be disconnected from students and probably lonely. but i do still want to go to northeastern in the spring, and i needed to be there to just feel more comfortable about things. my parents didn't bite eachothers heads off. that was good.

for some reason i don't want to sit and debreif and analyze my life right now. so i'm not going to. just keeping things updated sort of.

i heard a song on the radio as we were driving through New Jersey that mister wonderful had put on a cd for me and ever since then i've been in a weird/gloomy mood. at some point he will stop affecting me. i'm just not sure when. relationships are hard. espcially when they end.

boston really is beautiful. i'll be at towson for the fall (i think). maryland is very beautiful too. very beautiful.

i want to go to a waterfall on saturday. leave a comment if you want to come. otherwise it'll just be me jo and kat. haha. (they don't know this yet)

leave good news.
fondly-

september in boston!

2005-06-30T09:17:00.000-07:00

i've heard that september is the most beautiful month of the year in boston... and if all goes as planned... i'll be there to witness it!
my 3 avenues:
1- attend umass boston as a full time undergrad student. (i was in the midst of finishing my essay before i came here to procrastinate a little... and the rest of the application is sent in, including fees and SAT scores, minus HS transcript that i'm getting from guidance @ ahs tomorrow morning... sooo, once it's sent in, they have to review my application and either accept or reject me. basically.)
2- attend umass boston as a part time student in the "continuing education" program. (all i have to do is show up, pay, and register. saweet. oh, and have my high school diploma. all credits should transfer over to northeastern!)
3- attend bunker hill community college. (same as #2)

SO.. that leaves me with housing. umass boston is a commuter school.. as well as bunker hill, so i'm going to have to find an appartment. it would be ideal if i could find one with northeastern students that way, you know, i make some friends and i'm in that area.. etc. but it should work out. umass boston and bunker hill are both only a few miles from northeastern and in good areas.

if anyone knows of anyone in boston looking for a roommate... or just any students in boston... if you could either IM me or leave a comment here.. that would be so awesome.

there's some phrase... i don't remember at all what it is.. but it basically translates to "sucking today so you can be better tomorrow" i feel like the past week was like that. i was sucking at finding solutions. so i could find them later. haha. oh mi oh my.

my parents are out of town from now until... well technically my dad's coming home late at night on july 4th. and july 5th we're going up to boston to settle things and find an appartment for the fall.

so basically, i'm going to take care of the rest of this application, have a good old time for a few days, then go to boston. i'm a happy girl.

2005-06-29T09:33:00.000-07:00

this is just a great picture of kathleen and i. and our kick ass wagons. muahahaha.

good news

2005-06-29T09:14:00.000-07:00

so i've got some good news of my own, in a way. this past week or so i've been in a super rut. and a week is a long ass time for me. haha. but yeah. with everything kind of piling up at once and not being able to see any answers or secondary solutions for anything, it was all getting to be a monsterous messy maze in my mind. (i couldn't resist) and then last night i was talking to my mom and we decided that i needed to call northeastern again and see if there is anyy way that i can start in the fall. as full time just living off campus, or as part time living off campus. and i'm waiting for someone else to call me back. but it just felt really good to do something different than what i've been doing (nothing). so we'll see if this works. if not, i might try to move in somewhere off campus anyway and just get a job for the first semester waiting tables. my parents are in favor of it and i think it's less of a dramatic change than going to one university then meeting all tehse people then moving away again and yadda yadda yadda. so we're gonna see what we can do. explore the options. it was good that my mom and i talked because she helped me realize there are still more options, when i had given up.

it's really important to be proactive. if you haven't accepted something internally, don't accept it! don't just stop! unless there is no other solution (ie, someone dies). sometimes we becomes so hurt or complacent with results that we fail to push for new ones... but i really don't wnat to do that anymore. proactivity (is that a word?) is risky because we commit ourselves and invest our hope, but without it we get no where and we remain stuck in a rut. i'm just glad i'm trying new options. and i'm going to continue to try NEW outlets if these don't work.

i've felt very stuck for the past week or so, and me of all people, i mean, i believe that we're never stuck.. that there's always another option. i think there's just been so many different things worrying me that i became paralized with whatever this emotion is. anxity, pain.. something of the sort. BUT good news is i'm taking steps to get out. ie, calling northeastern... and i'm also going to go visit towson if i don't decide to go to boston in the fall.. because college has just been one big distant worry. and that's no good. i'm also going to start talking to a counsoler about my family, parents, friends, life, self. all that. because i need to hear a different voice. i need to get some new strategies so i can enjoy my parents for the last bit im here for. and so i can deal with the things i've carried with me for too long.

what else? good news... .the picture thing works so much easier on this computer! yay for macs! haha.

alright, that's good. i want to hear more people's good news. or bad news for that matter. talk to me.

love-

2005-06-28T22:47:00.000-07:00

muahahhaah.. i just figured out how to post pictures. let's see if this worked... I LOVE MI POWERBOOK! :)

(judy at the bloc party concert. the sky was so cool that night)

2005-06-27T12:09:00.000-07:00

so i suppose i'm in that state of "liminality" as jodi just introduced me to. (moving forward but holding on type thing.. or the stage of transition)... i want to just state for the record that my parents really are awesome people. and yeah, they have flaws, but we're human. we have flaws. that's OKAY.
anyway, i guess i've been realizing that although it doesn't change the circumstance, this type of itching to start my "new life" right now is shared amoung a large portion of people who are at this point in their lives. or at any state of "liminality" i would assume. because it's like, the time has finally come when we know we're almost done... almost gone... almost finally at a new stage. so we throw the towel in and stop putting up with the things that have been bothering us over the years. (at least i am, anyway). but yeah. i duno.. things are okay. i'm just trying to be less on the attack, because the past week or so i definitely was. (i needed to be, ha)

it's interesting though. what if we didn't have to feel so inclined to "attack"? what if we figured a healthy way to deal with our situations as they came so that they wouldn't build up and produce a ticking time bomb of frusteration? that'd be ideal. haha

work's a lot better. i had just been working wayy too much without any time off to do what i do. i still haven't gotten a chance to sit down and read much. but i will.

i don't really feel like talking about myself anymore.

i wanna hear some good news. leave a comment about the best thing that's happened to you in the recent past. big or small.

CRAP!

2005-06-22T22:20:00.000-07:00

alright, so the previous post was trying to force through all the crap i'm having trouble with right now. but it's still here. so yeah.

i hate complaining and i hate feeling like i can't deal with my own shit, and it ends up being very self-destructive at times because whenever something "hard" or "bad" comes along i just rationalize it all and figure whatever reason to make myself believe that i can handle it. and then i end up handling it. but eventually shit piles up and i get sick of "knowing how to deal with everything" or finding a "mature solution". fuck, man. it's the way i live, but it's not god damn easy. i mean, when it comes to anything concerning other people i totally stand up and shout out and all that good stuff opposing things that suck. but when it comes to myself, i just "deal" by rationalizing. nothing's bad so nothing can hurt me. because if my parents relationship actually sucks, and if theyyy actually suck for living it, then that hurts. because my whole life i've tried to find a way for it to not suck, instead of just shouting out, YOU GUYS SUCK FOR BEING SO RETARTED WITH ONE ANOTHER!

yesterday i finally shouted it out. my mom and i were going to plan a trip to the grand canyon/vegas etc, figuring my dad wouldn't want to go, because god knows my parents couldn't handle agreeing on anything for any amount of time that's supposed to be "stress free". but to our surprise, my dad was interested in going. of course however, ONLY under the conditions that we go NO MORE than 4 nights and 5 days. and of course, my mom refuses to go for anything less than 7 nights. so there was screaming and shouting and name calling and acting like children between my parents. what the fuck, why can they not just sit down and actually make a game plan and figure out how many ngihts they NEED rather than spitting out stupid numbers that they knew would piss the other person off. that's my god damn solution to their stupid, non-communicating, 5 year old argument. but i wasn't even going to offer it. i just screamed. YOU GUYS FUCKING SUCK. AND YOUR MARRIAGE FUCKING SUCKS. AND YOU'RE BOTH TO BLAME! and then i went upstairs. only for my dad to follow me telling me all of the god damn reasons why it's NOT his fault and it IS my mom's fault. "i'm a normal person, rachael.. it's her."... no dad, you're fucking married to her.. so that makes you a part of it.

basically, i'm done even thinking about solutions for my parents. i'm done being around their rediculous door slamming arguments. i'm done being at all involved in the negative energy that's spread every time they talk. i hate it. i really really hate it. and i have nothing left to work for with them. i'm gone in two months. and i need to go to be able to fricking GROW.

i mean, i'm scared to be anything like that. i'm really really scared. and i just want to go away so bad so i know that i can actually control the god damn environment i'm in, and really live MY life free of THEIR shit. cause sometimes i can't keep track of what's what.

so yeah. that's been bothering me a lot lately. but besides that. a lot of crap has been going on with jodi. and just feeling very under appreciated in general. and i hate to say that. because i hate to ask for any kind of gratitude or recognition. i hate to ask for it, but i do need it. and i really just haven't been getting it.

and the thing that sucks the most about my parents is they're so caught up in their stupid fighting that they can't be nearly as cool parents as their potential. i mean, they really are both great individuals. but they're just ruined by eachother. or maybe that's just me trying to give them a break so it doesn't hurt that yeah, my parents suck a lot of the time as people.

i'm feeling very... sad, frankly. and disappointed a lot in the people i love. and that's a hard feeling to have.

i really wish that people would be more up front about their shit. about the things that SUCK about them. because there are things that suck about everyone! and i just wish we would look at ourselves and be more honest, and know how to apologize, and know WHEN to apologize, and get some balls to fess up and say we've been an ass hole, or an idiot, or selfish, when we have. i know, it's hard to do, espcially in the beginning. because we want to "love ourselves". but there's a difference between actually loving yourself, despite any time you might fuck up, and covering up your crap with conceit. yeah.

there are a lot of reasons why going to college is going to be so amazing, mainly because i'll actually be free from my childhood and able to build the life i'm so ready to live. but that presents another problem: college? uhhh.. i have my little preliminary plan, but damnit, i want to get settled into something stable and stay. i find enough instability in every day life. i don't need my atmosphere to be changing too. so yeah.

leave some encouragment, or praise for that matter. or just plain old love. because 1-i need it, 2-i deserve it.

summa, summa, summa tiiime

2005-06-21T14:23:00.000-07:00

i love getting mail and packages so much that i would post my home adress on this blog for the world to send me whatever they please, but i'm not going to just in case of crazy stalkers.

though, if you have my adress and are ever thinking, "man, rach's cool".. feel free to send thoughts via actual MAIL. emails are cool too. or you know, ask and i'll be more than happy to give my adress.

man, i've been kind of bummed in the recent past due to lots of crazy things. i mean, i'm moving on from the guy. so that's not so bad. (so long as i don't run into him at any more concerts..yikes) but working at clyde's waiting tables really hasn't been that much fun. i'm learning that i don't enjoy being a waitress. i want a job where i can gain something from what i'm doing..(something more than just money..i know, i know) and serving is physically draining. not in the sense that i'm getting a work out, but in the sense that my knees are being torn up. and all the information and crap being trained into my brain for that restaurant is very usless. so yeah, i might be trying to find a new job in the near future. pass some suggestions along if you know of any!

alright, but it's time to really kick things into gear.

i'm realizing that although i'm a really social person by nature, i'm really bad at making efforts to meet new people or get together with different people. i mean, i hang out with the same 3 people all the time.(and god knows i love them to death) but i feel like i need to practice branching out. not just for the sake of branching out, but because i really just want to.

my mom and i might make an end of the summer trip to the grand canyon! i really hope that we do it. i've never been anywhere out west.. and i would just love to go with my mom. last summer we had the best time traveling up and down the east coast. if we went to the canyon we'd fly there and then rent an RV and drive around all the awesome sites for five days or so.

man, i just want to say what a great time i had hanging out with everyone at senior week. i really loved our happy house of love.

my parents are going out of town july 4th weekend. i'm having a party. or two. you're invited.

list of awesome things to do this summer:
::salsa dancing with judy!
::art night with grandma!
::complete reading list:
-high fidelity, nick hornby (just finished, great book)
-how to be good, nick hornby
-slaughter-house-five, kurt vonnegut
-catch 22, joseph heller
-sifting through madness, charles bukowski
-finding faith, brian mclarn
-sons and lovers, d.h. lawrence
-this side of paradise, fitzgerald
-i am charlotte simmons, tom wolfe
::GRAND CANYON! (i hope!)
::concerts: (let me know if you want in)
-james taylor
-oasis
-coldplay
-dmb
::finish painting my room
::house concert for a cause!
::kick ass.
::be outside under the warm, loving sun!
::do everything i've been meaning and dreaming to do, but haven't done!
::spend time with the people i don't see enough
::visit my aunt mary
::go running

the list could (and needs to go on) forever.. with more defined things to do.

what a life. i'm off to finish writing these thank you notes from my graduation party (that was a truly awesome evening).

lots of love~

the events just keep on turning

2005-06-15T19:59:00.000-07:00

what a cycle. guard up! give in! guard up! give in! (i'm learning how to step away from the cycle completely and just start something new... or trying to learn how)

anyway, micayla's at her IUP orientation and kathleen just got back from her UNH one (she loved it, which is so wonderful). all of these changes keep hitting like a title wave without any force big enough to stop them. i'm okay with that. (i can't really not be, now can i?)

see the thing is, patience is the hardest virtue for me to work with. i'm horribly (and wonderfully) confrontational with everything because i like solutions and answers and results as soon as possible. i think just the way i've grown up with arguments and chaos and yelling as a main event, i kind of evolved into the little peacemaker. and when things feel tumultuous in my life, i go into fixer mode, and have to find whatever "solution" i can.
and so what is really cool and challenging about going to Towson in the fall is that i can't just "solve" having the defer Northeastern for a semester. I just have to wait it out. and deal with it. and let time and life take its course. the situation is out of my hands. and i only can control my attitude.
and i realized that moving on from this fella is the same thing. i can't just say, "okay rachael. today you are going to get over him and leave him and forget about it all together--forever!" i just have to be moving in the right direction...moving toward new beginnings until eventually let him become an old ending. and i just have to know it'll take time. and be hard sometimes. but i can still do it.

sometimes i'm too compassionate for my own good and i find myself defending the assumed "enemy". i just don't see people as enemies, though. espcially not ones whose life story i've heard and experiences i've shared and who i've exchanged dreams with and understood. but when it comes down to it, i've got to put all that aside. there are so many amazing people who i have wonderful relationships with who aren't detremental to my well being or taxing on my mind and heart. so yeah.

this is me sorting out my mind on paper for you to read and respond to if you so please.

work tonight was cool. i hostessed outside. it was beautiful weather. relaxing.

i'm off to read myself to sleep.

come to my gradparty on friday starting at 6pm. my house! if you're reading this you're most certainly invited. don't be shy now. :) lots of food and music and dancing and laughter (so i hope) peace

a fond dedication

2005-06-14T18:55:00.000-07:00

i can't help but shake
when we come face to face
after only two weeks
that felt like forever
without your conversation in my ear
or your hand always near
despite the fact that i wouldn't hold on
yeah, i had to let go
i had to let go
i had to let go
but i hate to go
you should know
i hate to go
yeah, i love you so
i hate to go
i had to go
and we both said goodbye.

honesty

2005-06-13T11:07:00.000-07:00

...is hard for people to handle, so i see.

the purpose of my last blog was to practice what i preech. i really do believe that by being open with our mishaps in life, by not feeling ashamed, or afraid to admit them, or worried what others will think of them, we can actually deal with them.

i mean really, so much time, effort and stress is spent on worrying ourselves with how someone will react to some shitty situation we've been in or experienced. but that seems so counter-productive to me. if we have to WORRY what someone thinks about our mishaps, as well as actually EXPERIENCE our mishaps... that's double the stress of it all. but if we can just be open and trust that people will come around and be compassionate and understanding, such a weight is lifted... and there's nothing left but to actually deal with the problem. so much worry is taken off of our shoulders that there's room to work through things. AND half of the time, just being honest about things alleviates the situation in whole.

now there's the flip side of the situation...'but people really WOULDN'T understand or want to be compassionate about my mishaps'.
and i have three responses to that:
1-if we want to, we can change our lives. we can change our friends and our attitudes and our futures.
2-the way i deal with my life may not work for everyone. and i know that. but i do believe that if you want it to, it can work for you.
3-it is on US to not only be the ones to rely on others compassion and understanding, but to provide it as well.

if i had bottled up losing my virginity, and tried to hide it from people, and not talk about it so that no one would know... it would still be bothering me right now, because i would have never made the space to actually deal with the issue... i would have been using too much effort trying to hide it.

i feel like so many of our problems in life don't have to be problems at all if we just allow ourselves to be open and honest about them. if we never give someone else the chance to understand they never will. if we don't want to understand others, we never will.

philosophies put into poetry.

2005-06-11T18:50:00.000-07:00

i'm not sad, nor mad, just moving forward with a pace
that won't wait for my emotions to catch up
so i capture them in modesty
and explain to them with honesty
that they can exist
just not to slow down good living

i take these experiences in stride
kissing resentment goodbye
not getting high off of pride
not pretending through lies
i just look at what is
and i don't need to make it bigger than the truth

i've lost innocence over time
the kind that flies once it's free
and never retrieves
i've loved and lost that too
with not a damn thing to do
but carry with my gained wisdom and survival
and through all the trials
i'm always looking for the next
with every walked mile
i won't stop to rest

i'm not tired, nor scared, just a little unprepared
but still going
i'm not afraid of my strength
it's how i endure pain
and it's the only way to truly progress

fearless of falling or flying or dying
or dreaming or leaving and never returning

i decided that night to go the extra mile
which night? which mile?

i look back on 'the race'
knowing that sometimes you win with a smile
and sometimes with a tear
but we are not losing
so long as we are living

we are all so wealthy with our healthy minds and bodies
we are all so wealthy to be alive
LIVE! to do more than just survive
we are Alive.

a lot of awesome events occured during senior week. at the same time, a few really sucky things happened. mainly, i lost my virginity. and i'm basically writing this/telling whoever wants to know...not so that you judge, but because if you know me completely.. you'll know how important that was to me and how crappy it was that it happened there, while i was intoxicated, with someone who didn't mean anything to me. (i dated him a few summers ago, but we hadn't even kept in touch.) but my POINT that i'm trying to make by being so upfront and honest... is that after that happened... i cried.. for a good few hours. and felt like shit.. for the majority of the next day (once i was sober)... but i realized that things like that happen in life.. and this poem is what came out of everything. so hopfully, by just being honest about the reason behind this poem, my life philosophy will have more substance to it. and i;ve learned from this all that when something seemingly crappy happens in life, we don;t have to stop living. in fact, we can't. or we're shorting ourselves of everytthing we have left. so yeah, my virginity is gone. and it wasn't when/how/who i wanted it to be. but it happened. and my life is moving forward. and i will fall for someone and make love with them and all of those beauties will happen for me... because i believe in them. and because i know that they can happen. and because i am convinced that love exists, and can and will in my life.

leave your thoughts if you wish.

i have other poems and thoughts and stories to post. but i'll let this one settle first.

::fondly.

ahhh! growing up! (and out and away!)

2005-06-10T19:30:00.000-07:00

so i got home from senior week this afternoon.. and man, let me tell you, it was crazy. full of drinks and laughter and maryjane, and deaf people, and the beach (of course), and jodi's beautiful music, and idiots passed out everywhere, and a degree of healthy infidelity, and some loss of innocence we could say...and i had a damn good time. however, after 5 consequtive nights of being intoxicated, i did basically die. haha. and the last night i managed to redeem any mishap that had occured in a weeks time with the greatest night being sober. (it was funny how happy i was to be sober).. ha. anyway. i came up with a butt load of writing, and also dealt with a lot of crap that's been on my plate.

you know, i'd like to just be completely open with the things that are going on in my life. and just put them here for people to read, and understand the decisions i make and my reactions to mishap. because if i've learned anything in my life, anything at all... it's that i'm here for more than myself. i really want, more than anything, to be able to advance our humanity, our lives, with what we want and need. (compassion, love, nurishment, understanding.) call me a god damn hippie... it's more than that though. it's having ambition and a fight inside of you that's fighting for something amazing. and recognizing it. and not being afraid to say, "i can do big things!".... cause it really is scary, to acknowledge how much control you have and how much you can do... because once you make the acknowledgement, if you don't live up to yourself, you're just letting yourself down. it's so much easier to just say, "oh, i'm satisfied doing small things."... because once you take that first step, you feel how gratifying it is..and you can't imagine continuing on a path that's doing so much for others and yourself simultaniously.

but here i am. trying to put my finger on what exactly the amazing thing will be that i do. because i know it's just in me. i know it's in me to do more, and be more, and give more, and love more. and i know that i have to be big. because i know that i can be. and that's it.

there's a lot more that i want (and need) to post about my mother and about how i've been learning that this life really is becomming mine completely and about not feeling regretful and about religion. but i just called clyde's and i have work tomorrow in cafe 1 which means ill be there an hour early cutting lemons. 9am. god damn those fricking lemons.

this blog might begin to serve new purpose. i'll revise it when i get home tomorrow and fill you in on a possible new set up. stay posted.

it's good to be home.

home. what a concept.

goodnight.

(first night not sleeping in an intoxicated, orgy environment... not sure how i feel about it. haha)

Compassion

2005-06-02T21:58:00.000-07:00

I saw Daniel Lee and some other kick bum artists perform the bright eyes 'lifted' album tonight at jammin java in VA.. and it was really awesome. i loved that it was so collaborative... because, as i was saying a few blogs ago (that's funny, not a few days ago, a few.. blogs ago. ha.. there's definitely humor in that. see, that's the kind of humor i like. real life humor. not trying to be funny. but just... yeah. am i still on a tangent?) anyway, when joy or an experience is SHARED with other people.. it just gives it such a different feeling. to me it just seems so much more.. i don't even know.. not less selfish. but yeah, i guess in a way. it's taking the spotlight off yourself.. and putting it on "us". right. and it's working hard not just on your own.. but actually putting faith in other people as well to be a success with you. and that's just cool.... because it's risky. and it almost always pulls through.

anywayyy... so they were performing the 2nd to last song on the album... Laura Laurent.. and there was this whole guitar break jam and.. it was just screaming with compassion. and it was just cool. it mused me in a way and brought about that phrase.. or that sometimes compassion needs to scream to be heard, and very well deserves to.

a lot has been going on lately also, with family and such, and i definitely needed to write tonight. so i went with the theme.

Oh Compassion, you're a soft whisper of care that cannot confess your heartbreak
So the sun breaks with a new day of light to creep in to the faltering soul and feed it with hope

You can speak, Compassion... dare to show how big you are inside
Write it down, spread it around
The love is there to be shared

Sometimes, Compassion, you have to scream
So that people will finally see how deep the fervor runs
So that people can finally hear how dedication has diminished fear

Dear Compassion, it's okay that you're crying
truth runs in the form of tears down your face
without lying or denying the pain that couples caring deeply

You can be afraid for five seconds only though, dear
See, if you let fear in any longer
you lose the power to make yourself stronger
to make this world stronger

Oh Compassion, you are a true gift
a true lift to those spirits who sway with doubt
Yes, you've learned the ins and outs
Yes, you've learned not to doubt yourself
and it's showed you to believe in others

Dear Compassion, you are the brother
that every man needs
the nurishment
that our troubled souls feed

Compassion, wipe your face
Your grace has not gone unnoticed

It's a trick, you see, wanting to give in to complacency
But knowing that you cannot
The truth is, Compassion, you're not one to give up
and you're not afraid to fight
You're different.

And in the end, your heart will mend
In the end, the love you gave
Will rest at your grave
In more than just flowers
But in towers of hope
Throughout the living

Oh, Compassion
Thank you for giving.

Chief Seattle's Letter to the President (Mid 1800's)

2005-05-30T19:08:00.000-07:00

The Great Chief in Washington sends word that he wishes to buy our land. But how can you buy or sell the sky? The warmth of the land? How can you own the rain and the wind? The idea is strange to us. If we do not own the freshness of the air and the sparkle of the water, how can you buy them?

Every part of this earth is sacred to our people. Every shining pine needle. Every sandy shore. Every mist in the dark woods. Every meadow and every humming insect. All are holy in the memory and experience of our people.

We know the sap that courses through the trees as we know the blood that flows through our veins. We are part of the earth as it is part of us. The perfumed flowers are our sisters. The bear, the deer, the great eagle, these are our brothers. The rocky crests, the meadows, the ponies and man, all belong to the same family.

The shining water that moves in the streams and rivers is not simply water, but the blood of our grandfather's grandfather. If we sell you our land, you must remember that it is sacred. Each ghostly reflection in the clear waters of the lakes tell of events and memories in the life of our people. The water's murmur is the voice of our great-great-grandmothers.

The rivers are our brothers. They quench our thirst. They carry our canoes and feed our children. So you must give to the rivers the kindness you would give to any brother.

If we sell you our land, remember that the air is precious to us, that the air shares its spirit with all life it supports. The wind that gave our grandfather his first breath also receives his last sigh. The wind also gives our children the spirit of life. So if we sell you our land, you must keep the land and air apart and sacred, as a place where man can go to taste the wind that is sweetened by the meadow flowers.

Will you teach your children what we have taught our children? That the earth is our mother? What befalls the earth befalls all sons of the earth.

This we know: The earth does not belong to man, man belongs to the earth. All things are connected like the blood that unites us all. Man did not weave the web of life, but is merely a strand in it. Whatever he does to the web, he does to himself.

One thing we know: Our Gos is also your God. THe earth is precious to Him and to harm the earth is to heap contempt on its Creator.

Your destiny is a mystery to us. What will happen when the buffalos are all slaughtered? The wild horses tamed? What will happen when the secret corners of the forest are heavy with the scent of many men and the view of the ripe hills is blotted by talking wires? Where will the thicket be? Gone! Where will the eagle be? Gone! And what will happen when we say good-bye to the swift pony and hunt? The end of living and the beginning of survival.

When the last Red Man has vanished with his wilderness and his memory is only the shadow of a cloud moving across a prairie, will these shores and forests still be here? Will there be any of the spirit of my people left?

We love this earth as a newborn loves its mother's heartbeat. So, if we sell you our land, love it as we have loved it. Care for it as we have cared for it. Hold in your mind the memory of the land as it is when you receive it. Preserve the land and the air and the rivers for your children's children and love it as God loves us all.

As we are part of the land, you too are part of the land. This earth is precious to us. It is also precious to you. One thing we know: There is only one God. No man, be he Red Man or White Man, can be apart. We are brothers after all.

[copied from the inside of joni mitchell's album "the beginning of survival"]

i just think this letter speaks on so many incredible levels. and yes, i'm writing from a laptop computer that breaks all kinds of native mind sets... but this letter is too good to be left unread. i hope some of you take something from this. i found it all very beautiful, inspiring, and partially saddening.

it makes me ask myself, do i love this land the way these incredible people before me did? do you?

i hope after reading this, some of you are in the same position as i am... wanting to do more good things for this very very sacred earth.

and the list of aspirations grows longer everyday!

WHO'S IN??? come on people.. the more support the better. support makes good things happen. leave one if you're interested in doing good things. any good thing.

rach

what we gain

2005-05-27T20:32:00.000-07:00

...from a childhood of experiences.

our lives are not fairytales, no matter who we are. we have fleeting moments of supreme delight.. but we are not cinderellas forever. we are brokenhearted, or mildly content, or active, or cynical, or heated, or immature, or wise, or prude, or generous... but most consistantly, we are LIVING.

so the theme remains, what do we gain? what do we gain? what do we gain? what do we gain? what do we gain? while we are alive!

and damnit i just want to repeat it over and over again.. type it out each time, and mean every punch of this silver keyboards inquiry.

WHAT DO WE GAIN?

the choice is up to us.

tonight i went to a family friends college graduation party. he had about 10 close friends there.. adn there were about 10 other family friends. it was small, relaxing, and intimate. his aunt from boston was there.. and as the night winded down we got to talking over turkish coffee about her life and my future and what i want to do and what i'm doing now...

and it was just really good to be there and tell this woman that i plan on really making a difference somewhere. i plan on CREATING an occupation that not only fits me, but benefits others greatly. with our world advancing constantly in the technology and science and medical fields i can't bare to see us forget about our humanity. forget about our souls and our relentless desire to connect with one another. i mean HERE WE ARE. not HERE I AM. this humanity thing is definitely a "we". i don't care how selfish or reclusive one might be. people draw to people. and i KNOW there's a way to make heads and tales of our connections. and it might be up to me to find the way. so be it!

when i told this woman tonight that i wanted to do something with interpersonal communication where i could help people understand PEOPLE.. who THEY are, who I am, who YOU are... we don't have to agree or like eachother, but if we at least understand, maybe we can accept.. and so iw as telling her this plus other things of the sort.. and she said to me, well what kind of job would work for what you want to do ? and i responded.. well, whatever job i make for myself. because what i want to be isn't out there conventionally. it just isn't. but i have big fricking plans. i have plans to make things work for US, not just me or you. contact me in 10 years. ask me what actions i ended up taking. i tell you all the wonderful results.

remember the movie The First Wives Club?... imagine something like that... but not angry wives... day to day people... who could be doing and living and experiencing so much MORE. but somewhere along the line, they gave in to the regular life and gave up on giving and doing more.

i'm realizing more everyday that it's true what they say... the more we put into life, the more we get out. we GAIN what we earn. what we work for and put forth the efforts to make happen. and really, there is nothing like working really hard for something you believe in and seeing successful results smile back at you.

we also gain every ounce of negativity we spew about us. we gain pessimism and sour attitudes and apathy and anger and resntment. we blame others for our lack of fulfillment and satisfaction. and what do we gain? a transient speck of empty laughs or smiles responding, "catch me if you can... i won't be here long"... because those laughs at our negative jokes are unwanted. those smiles and our crude remarks are out of pitty.

i've gained a lot over the years.. even from, espcially from the hardships i've faced. (and yes, we all face them).. and i really think from everything... i've gained the most out of the things i put the most into. and that really is the bottom line. even if that meant investing my heart into someone and them breaking it. i invested deeply... and i gained more than i would have ever thought in the end.

just think... what do i want in life? what do i want in life? what do i want in life? what do i want in life?

you want money? you want to play basketball? you want to teach? you want to sing? you want do paint or do accounting or travel the world or speak 10 languages or shoot guns? what do you want to do??

do it! but just know.. that when you incorporate what it is that you love doing, with something that other people can enjoy and benefit from also... that love, that joy... is shared. and really, nothing exceeds being on top of the world.. and not being there alone.. because when you're standing there beaming with happiness, and you look to your side and see that so is he or so is she... you know your smile can't help but grow.

what we gain from our brokenhearts is the opportunity to love ourselves more. what we gain from our loved ones unhappiness is the knowledge to not make their mistakes. what we gain from our dreams not coming true is an outlet to discover new ones. in every mishap lies a chance to discover new sights. don't close your eyes. there's just too much to see.

rach

walking away

2005-05-25T08:28:00.000-07:00

gosh, there's so much change spiraling about it's hard to keep up with.

i said a final goodbye today to the person who's occupied my heart for the past two years. i told him i wasn't coming back. he had ani difranco tickets for me and a gift that he made me... and asked me to come back tomorrow or the next day so he could give them to me. and i told him i wasn't coming back. and that he should sell the tickets. not in a mean way... but i just can't take anything from him that will just prolong the whole thing and keep me attached.

he said okay and we said goodbye and just walked away. no hug. just seperation. and then i cried. a lot. infact, i'm crying as we speak.

when we stood there, i swear we looked into eachother's eyes like never before. holding on to whatever last bit of connectedness we could share for however short it would last. i don't know if i saw tears in his eyes or not.. but i saw sadness.

it took a lot to walk away. it certainly wasn't what i wanted to do.. and i'm really not sure if it was right or not.. to just leave without as much as a hug. but at least i told him i was going. and he knows.. he knows how deep my emotions for him run.

the actuality of this all being over hits hard. very hard. but i'll be okay and be up and running soon enough. i'm not going to pretend, however, that i am not broken hearted. i certainly am.

for those of you who know everything and may not understand completely how i ended up where i am, but accept me for my journey... having you here with me is making all the difference.

i've been saying thank you a lot lately.. but i want to say that i love life, and i love that people are compassionate and come together to help bring eachother through. because humanity, with all of it's "flaws", comes through in the end if you believe in it, and participate in it.

make something of today. please.

newspaper final - feature article about myself/graduation

2005-05-25T05:44:00.000-07:00

“Shouldn’t I be crying?” thought Rachael as she sat draped in white cap and gown, her bottom in pain on the uncomfortable blue metal chairs of Merriweather Post Pavilion. The only thing she really had to cry over was in fact, the uncomfortable blue metal chairs.

Surprisingly, despite Rachael’s sentimental personality, not a tear was shed from her face at the graduation she shared with the rest of Atholton High School’s class of 2005 on Tuesday June 1. “I have no regrets,” said Rachael. “I accomplished everything I could have hoped to, and learned valuable lessons from diverse angles.”

Diverse describes Rachael well. Over the years she not only participated, but excelled in numerous areas such as writing, soccer, theatre, music, and class government. Each activity Rachael participated in spirals into its own story, but her concern rests not in past accomplishments, but in changing current aspirations into successful realities.

Rachael and a few of her friends plan on opening their houses and backyards to the public this summer where they will host “house concerts” for only a few dollar entrance fee per person. All proceeds will go to different local causes such as Grassroots homeless shelter. “Everyday we have the opportunity to do something benevolent and beneficial,” said Rachael. “We also have the opportunity to sit around. If we can have fun in the process of doing charity, why would we just sit around?”

Working at Clyde’s restaurant in Columbia where she waits tables and hostesses, Rachael plans on continuing her employment over the summer to earn some extra cash. Running and exercising are included in some of Rachael’s favorite past times, as well as painting, traveling, reading, going to concerts, and spending excessive amounts of time with her three friends.

Rachael was accepted into the college of her choice, Northeastern University, but not until February of 2006. She is still eagerly waiting to hear if her acceptance will be bumped up to the fall, and will find out within days. If Rachael’s acceptance to Northeastern remains for February, she will either attend Towson University for a semester, or live in a city waiting tables.

“We know that whatever Rachael does, she’ll be successful. We really do hope that she goes to Boston, even though we’ll have to take a second mortgage on our house,” said Rachael’s father Randy. Rachael’s mother Beverly added, “We’re just so proud of her.”

With diploma in her hand, and white heels killing her feet, Rachael smiled an awkward smirk, excited for the future, and reflecting on the past. Some people call high school the time of their lives. For Rachael, high school was a time of personal growth, learning, and self-discovery. Through every experience she realized what mattered most to her, and developed personal priorities. Through knowing what she believes in, Rachael will step confidently into the world and make a beautiful difference.

i've been careless.. yet acted with care.

2005-05-22T18:08:00.000-07:00

why is it that we celebrate meaningful accomplishments or monumental happenings in our lives with a substance that creates the reverse effect? i drink, in fact, got pretty trashed last night in celebration of kathleen's graduation. but i mean really, i just thought i'd bring to light the irony in the whole thing. what are we doing?

i think my real concern has nothing to do with drinking for celebration. hell, it's nice. i think my real concern is with the fact that last night i did stupid things while intoxicated. really stupid things. and it's bugging the shit out of me now.

lately i haven't been able to express myself in words because everything is so secretive in my god damn life right now and i just don't like it! i'm OPEN and free and easy to read and guh! this isn't fun. but really, it's not even about that... (i keep contradicting myself.. or not saying what i mean).. basically... i haven't been thinking. i haven't been using my god damn brain to make good and beneficial and smart decisions.
i've been careless.. yet acted with care. if that makes sense.
i just need to get through this struggle right now. and start doing some good deeds because i have really been doing some bad ones. in fact, two of the same bad deed in the past week.
yes, i have catholic guilt- and i'm a jew. so i suppose that would make it jewish guilt. either way, i just feel bad.

so now, i am deciding to no longer act irrationally. because i don't want to just sit here and complain. yeah. well. i'm off. to finish my last week of high school. and move on. and die from doing stupid things.

i can't even blame alcohol.. because half of these stupid events i've been sober. wonderful.

gah. i can just hear my dad scolding me with the, "you're really not making wise decisions, rachael. it's your life. fuck it up if you want to." yeah.

to many of you, my experiences might be nothing. as in.. not bad on the scale of bad. but really.. we all have our own scales.. and i personally feel like shit for all of my scales i've gotten off balance in recent past.

jodi just said to me italianchic311: okay... in christianity, i feel like this would be one of the times you "ask god for forgiveness"...but leaving the god part out, you have to be able to forgive yourself

haha.. kind of funny. but also true. yeah. oh that note. i need to go to bed early tonight.

2005-05-22T11:34:00.000-07:00

there's some great sense of fulfillment in walking away from something you love... and also a great sense of sadness.

i feel like from all of this i have so much to take with me. like there's so much i've gained.. but it just doesn't make it easy. and i can't put my finger on what exactly i've gathered.

is it possible for everything to come together and fall apart simultaniously? this whole process takes a toll on me to say the least... not to mention graduation creeps inevitably as another factor to the madness.

i've been short of my own words lately.. these emotions are difficult to put into coherent sentence structured blogness.

his cds make me cry. but i'm glad i have them. and i'm glad i didn't toss them out the window the other day like i wanted to in that heat of the moment. haha.

i'm writing this just to write it. because i'm on the brink of breaking down and building up and it's just strange and beautiful and scarry and confusing. espcially after last nights intoxicated actions. they just heighten my state of mishap.

funny, the only reason i'm not going crazy is my trust in the near future's kick-ass-ness.

i'll leave some appropriate song lyrics.

"Fall Fall Fall" - Razorlight

Midnight’s calling
Are you close behind?
Midnight’s calling
Are you close behind?

Trees without leaves and notes that don’t ring
Wine left to rot and a voice that can’t sing
And hours of making love in silence
And a light that just won’t shine in the darkness

Could I be any clearer?
Could I speak any plainer?-
I need you hereJust to lead my way
And fall, fall, fall

She scolded me for my sinful and wicked ways
Towered above me – do you follow?
And watched with concealed pleasure
As I ripped out my heart and said
I’m just bad, I can’t help it
But I tr-tr-tr-try to be good

And trees without leaves and notes that don’t ring
Wine left to rot and a voice that can’t sing
And hours of making love in silence
And a light that just won’t shine in the darkness

Could I be any clearer?
Well could I speak any plainer?-
I need you here
Just to lead my way
And fall, fall, fall'

Cause people make you lonely

what a strange void that exists regardless of all the fullness in my life. what a strange and forlorn longing.

well it is a beautiful day. and i've been outside enjoying it for what it is.
have a good one.

waiting for godot, anyone?

2005-05-21T14:43:00.000-07:00

Well Vladmir and Estragon are. And will be forever, unless of course they hang themselves. If you haven't read/seen this play, you might just think i'm weird. If you HAVE read/seen Waiting for Godot by Samuel Beckett... talk to me! i've been wanting to discuss the themes and philosophies with someone, but my group was apathetic and disinterested. damnit. haha.

I'll just leave some cool quotes and maybe someone will have fun input

“The tears of the world are a constant quantity. For each one who begins to weep somewhere else another stops. The same is true of the laugh. Let us not then speak ill of our generation, it is not any unhappier than its predecessors. Let us not speak well of it either. Let us not speak of it at all. It is true the population has increased.”

“ESTRAGON: No use struggling.
VLADMIR: One is what one is.
ESTRAGON: No use wriggling.
VLADMIR: The essential doesn’t change.”

"We are all born mad. Some remain so."

"We always find something, ed Didi, to give us the impression we exist?"

VLADMIR: … We could start all over again perhaps.
ESTRAGON: That should be easy.
V: It’s the start that’s difficult.
E: You can start from anything.
V: Yes, but you have to decide.
E: True.
Silence.
V: Help me!
E: I’m trying.
Silence.
V: When you seek you hear.
E: You do.
V: That prevents you from finding.
E: It does.
V: That prevents you from thinking.
E: You think all the same.
V: No no, impossible.
E: That’s the idea, let’s contradict each other.
V: Impossible.
E: You think so?
V: We’re in no danger of ever thinking any more.
E: Then what are we complaining about?
V: Thinking is not the worst.
E: Perhaps not. But at least there’s that.
V: That what?
E: That’s the idea, let’s ask each other questions.
V: What do you mean, at least there’s that?
E: That much less misery.
V: True.

[Pozzo cries for help]
VLADMIR: Let us not waste our time in idle discourse! (Pause. Vehemently.) Let us do something, while we have the chance! It is not every day that we are needed. Not indeed that we personally are needed. Others would meet the case equally well, if not better. To all mankind they were addressed, those cries for help still ringing in our ears! But at this place, at this moment of time, all mankind is us, whether we like it or not. Let us make the most of it, before it is too late! Let us represent worthily for once the foul brood to which a cruel fate consigned us! What do you say? (Estragon says nothing.) It is true that when with folded arms we weigh the pros and cons we are no less a credit to our species. The tiger bounds to the help of his congeners without the least reflexion, or else he slinks away into the depths of the thickets. But that is not the question. What are we doing here, that is the question. And we are blessed in this, that we happen to know the answer. Yes, in this immense confusion one thing alone is clear. We are waiting for Godot to come—

POZZO: Don't question me! The blind have no notion of time. The things of time are hidden from them too.
VLADMIR: Well fancy that! I could have sworn it was just the opposite.

VLADMIR:.... We have time to grow old. The air is full of our cries. (He listens.) But habbit is a great deadener. (He looks again at Estragon.) At me too someone is looking, of me too someone is saying, He is sleeping, he knows nothing, let him sleep on. (Pause.) I can't go on! (Pause.) What have I said?

i provide you with no plot set up, because really.. the plot is sparse. i suppose i'll tell you all there is to tell... two men are by a country road and it is evening and no one ever comes by, except twice a human-slave holder Pozzo and his ironically-named slave Lucky. A messenger Boy comes by twice as well with news that Godot will come tomorrow. Yesterdays are forgotten. Godot does not come.

Comments/thoughts/anything would be wonderful! This existential crap always makes my brain hurt.

off to kat's grad party! yay!... let us be alive while we are. cause regardless of these books and philosophies... i am living! peace ---

rach

Minority Rules

2005-05-20T13:24:00.000-07:00

So i was busy erasing my past the other day.. and i came across this email that i wrote to an old friend. i thought it was interesting and post-worthy.

I had just finished reading Survivor by Chuck Palahniuk and the following quote gave me reason and words that had to be written down. and here they are:

"You realize that people take drugs because it's the only real personal adventure left to them in their time-constrained, law-and-order, property-lived world. It's only in drugs or death we'll see anything new, and death is just too controlling."

I love Chuch Palahniuk's writing because he brings to light so often the flip-side of the story that gets left unsaid. One of the themes inSurvivor presented a reason validating why one might use drugs...to heighten the experience of life when sober-life experiences begin to run out. Oftentimes one is viewed as a low-life or worthless person if they resort to the use of drugs... and that may infact hold true in many cases. However, there is always an exception to the norm. If the majority of our society views a topic one distinct way, are they unquestionably correct? Is the minority always doomed to be wrong? Would rebellion ever occur without a minority? Would there ever be reform? Reconstruction? Renewal? REVOLUTION? Without some minority slowly evolving into a majority, there would be no equal rights for men and women, blacks and whites, Christians and Jews and Muslums and Hindus... gays and straights (an issue that still hasn't been won over by the minority)... A minority is vital in order to change things. To start a revolution. To rebel against what's wrong... because sometimes, The Majority Doesn't Know What's Right.

Take a look at our world and our country. Count how many depressed, or unhealthy, or sucidal, or unhappy marriages, or dysfunctional families, or battered wives and children, or murderers, or prostitutes, or drug addicts, or liars, or thefts, or day-to-day APATHETIC people are walking our streets. And they judge. And they're the Majority. And they see things from their ultimately correct point of view because it's what "everyone else is thinking". And they tell the Minority - the souls that feel their lives are actually worth while - that they're wrong... because they're the minority. Majority Rules.

Well the Majority is about to go Up In FLAMES because this time, like so many other revolutionary times in our history, the Minority has something to say. Something to prove. Something to stand up and FIGHT for.

Peace of mind. Spirit. Soul. Love. Compassion. Truth. Providing oneself with only what is Nesessary. Education. Honor - but not to be mistaken for arrogence. Humbleness. Generosity. And something that is too often overlooked; Courage.

The Majority of people are afraid.. They're cowards that use shields like material posessions and apathetic emotions to hinder let downs. The Minority is not afraid of failure, or heartbreak, or death. Because inside of the minority rests pacified organs and muscles that collaborate and work hard to pump blood into ones viens, feeding their hearts... and from those tranquil machines, love is produced readily, wanting nothing more than to be shipped out to the nearest majority so that more Love has the ability to be spread throughout. Because in this world, Love Is What's Lacking.

just thought that was cool. feel free to share thoughts. -rach

oh, and today was my last full day of high school. it went well. didn't seem too paramount. i think graduation will hit me with it's backhand and make me cry. but until then.. well, what is will be.

it feels really good.. to be free from the things that have been holding me back.

oh yeah, and i really do love you guys.

peace.

rising to today

2005-05-19T14:58:00.000-07:00

the past years have been so valuable in too many ways to speak. i've gained such a great sense of self, such a great sense of friendship, and love, and heartbreak, and devotion and so many other virtues both beautiful and hard. and lately espcially, i've been struggling with a situation that has fed me both excitment and pain, joy and tears, bliss and sorrow.. and i'm really.. learning from it all.

i don't know what i wrote two or three days ago.. but i'm sure i'll contradict myself 100%.. and really, that's okay. because contradictions show that the mind has different compontents and they care enough to argue with one another. so yeah..

i've been attached for two years to someone i don't need. and not only do i not need him, but it's a hindrence for me to involve and invest myself in him. because for every moment i spend devoting my heart and enabling an unsatisfying dream to take life, i lose everything. i lose myself and my future and my possibilities and my ability to be open to new people. i lose today!

and i want to say thank you kathleen, jodi, micayla.. for investing yourselves in me. for caring enough to try to talk sense into me. for respecting my decisions even if you haven't agreed with them. for wanting to understand even though it's been wrong. i'm just so thankful to have you guys in my life. and i can't say that in a way that shows how much i mean it. i know it's been hard for you guys to sit back and let me make decisions you disagree with.. but i appreciate every word and every caution and every.. everything. i love you guys.

but what i was saying... is that when i went to kathleens house for her to paint a portrait of me today.. and we ended up sitting on her bedroom floor talking.. and the light beamed through the window landing on the carpet.. and the air was alive with the scent of summer.. and the undeniable truth screamed "look at what wonders are lying ahead!".. i realized that i just can't hold on to this dream any longer. no matter how real it's become. because look at what i'd be giving up.

there are so many amazing fricking things to live for and to experience and to dive into.. and yes, at one point in my life i thought this was one of them.. but two years ago when this all started, i needed it there..it was one of them. he filled the whole. he fit the description. as "wrong" as it was, it was right for me. it made sense. and now... it really does make sense to move forward. i mean, i can't even grasp all of the aspirations and great plans i have for the near future.... just in terms of doing good things and living important causes. and to have this extra.. stress.. whether the day is up or down.. ultimately, it's in the way. i'm just ready for a clean slate. for an open mind and heart and self. it's just that time in my life.

and you know, it's funny.. because i would have expected for myself to be more affected and emotional with graduating and potentially leaving and etc etc.. but for some reason, i'm not. and i think that reason lies in the fact that i'm just ready. i'm ready and excited and eager. and everyone who's in my life right now is important and significant enough to remain regardless of time or place. and everyone else.. i've already left behind. and i know that sounds sad or crass or careless.. but it's the truth. i used to hold on to everyone and everything because i just found something to love in everyone.. and i still appreciate people for who they are and their differences etc.. but i've learned who and what really mean that much to me. and those people aren't going anywhere.

this blog might be.. risky? but it is what it is. i am who i am. no one comments anyway. haha..

i don't mean that i won't miss people or that i won't be sad or that i don't care about people who aren't my closest friends... i certainly do. and i certainly will. i've just learned to take it all in stride.

have a good night. mine has been... awakening.

2005-05-17T16:52:00.000-07:00

no one commented on my last blog.. i suppose because it was too metaphorical. i guess that's what i wanted anyway. lol the only people who actually comment on this damn thing are jodi (majority), kathleen (occasionally), tim (sporadically), mike (not often)... and then the occasional other person here and there. it would be cool if more people gave imput. but then again, maybe not. it's funny that i have no clue who or how many people read this. i don't do a ticker or name taker or whatever else can be set up (partially because i don't know how to..) mainly because i don't really care.

today was emotional. i wish i could talk about the chaos going on in my life right now, but i can't. so yeah.. i won't.

i went to the mall alone (i always go to the mall alone.. i don't like going with people).. and i just walked around for a few hours. bought 2 shirts for work. but it was just very.. quiet. didn't say anything to anyone.. i mean, hi to the salespeople.. but sometimes it's nice to be surrounded by people and not be/feel obligated to speak.

i'm half way worried about myself and my future, and half way secure. i guess this is just a vulnerable time in my life and i don't really know where i'm going with a lot of things... one of which hurts and heightens my heart all at once. yeah, i don't really know. i guess when june 1 comes so will some answers..

i sound kind of.. down right now maybe. but i'm not.. just.. trying to sort things out in a more internal fashion. we'll see how it goes.

leave one. rach

eventually you reach a resolution

2005-05-16T12:57:00.000-07:00

so i know i previously posted about the rising action being a continuous theme and never quite reaching the climax... staying high off of the hunger and trek towards the big boom that never comes. but everything happening in my life right now begs me to differ from my previous thoughts and experiences. i'm not going to go into detail.. i'll just try to leave some thoughts.

once the point of anticipation is finally reached, and the tables turn, and the music crescendoes to it's peak... we're not left with no where to go but down. we're not left with a sad ending, or an ending at all necessarily... but that is one of our options.

because that's what we are left with... options. and i think that's what a resolution really is.. after a long anticipated event finally occurs.. or a life changing/habbit changing occurence finally takes place.. everything changes because options are finally available. and whatever choice you make is the potential start to a new build up... but perhaps it's the start to a calming. and that's another choice you make.. what you're going to start to make now that there are pieces to put together.

imagine a vase breaking. one that took a very long time to construct and put together. now it's shattered on the floor in a beautiful mess and array of colors, shapes and sizes. now no matter what, the vase will never be the same. so what do you do? throw it away and build a new one? piece it back together in the same fashion, trying to fill the gaps in with glue? make something crazy and abstract out of the pieces that you have, creating a completely different structure? WHO KNOWS! but now.. choices have to be made.

what i find to be most delicate and beautiful and heartbreaking all in one is the moment and point when you decide what to do with all the pieces. because when a decision is finally made to start over or to throw it away or to try to reform or whatever else.. you finally let go of that past, that habbit, that style of living, that nature... you stop recounting in your memory the vision of the vase that once was, and you start picturing the concept of the one to come. and it can apply to anything. to graduation, to moving away, to kissing someone, to breaking up with someone, to quitting a job, to finishing a project. any kind of change. the beauty and the pain comes in making the decision... in that last kiss goodbye to the past, and open eyes to the future.

so right now, the vase broke (actually, more than one vase broke...) and i still haven't made any decisions. but i know those bitter sweet beginnings are sneaking up on me to swallow the past.

when you think about it.. in some situations it really is better that the vase breaks so new options become available. and in one in particular, i'm so glad it happened.. because if it hadn't.. the vase would have just dusted over and become something i pull out every now and then with a sour spot in my heart because it never got used. so yeah.

why not give some advice-- and be open, not metephorical--
we're going away to college.. do everything you don't want to be left undone. say everything you've wanted to say. it's now or never. our chances are now. take them.

(rach)

a new terrain

2005-05-14T15:41:00.000-07:00

There’s a small girl sitting in a box
With her legs crossed and her mouth shut
She’s glancing around with shy in her eyes
And shame on her bashful brow

She’s not comfortable just sitting there
Taciturn, waiting her turn
To let herself out of her cage
Out of her one cell maze some people call home

She’s timid and tiny and easy to push around
Because she’s convinced herself that she is small
I mean after all, no one wants to be big in this day and age

We’re all starving ourselves to keep thin
…We’re all taking less in
And we’re getting less out

No, nobody wants to shout
Nobody wants to turn heads to leave their face turning red
Embarrassed of who we’ve become
Because we’re not becoming much
… We’re becoming much less
Than what we’re capable of

A girl is sitting behind a desk
Ankles crossed, pencil drawing a sketch
She’s lost in a world of dreams
Where she can color her whimsy true
Without having to do much of anything

She’s satisfied half of the time
When the picture paints itself pleasing
Yet she finds herself pleading for freedom
From the nightmare that haunts her heart

Oh, but it’s so much easier to just defer
The nightmare for a while
To let ourselves smile with the dream
And just pretend there’s no need to wake up

So she’s sold herself on the idea of wealth
Through both the sunshine and the rain
While failing to see the opportunity
Shining from a new terrain

What about that kinky girl with her hair let down
Who frowns because she’s not afraid
To show it when she’s sad?

She laughs so hard that she loses her voice
And loves so much that she loses her heart
But through every lost particle
She finds a new start

See, with freedom she found that expression is exponential
And once she really got going
There was endless potential
Impossible to count or hold
Impossible to try to mold
Because what she became was a limitless self
A raggedy Anne without a shelf
And without a need for one

It was once the girl broke free from the box
It was once the girl woke up from the dream
It was once the girl was not afraid to scream
It was once the girl said “I am me
With my life in my hands”
It was then that she dropped any former plans
And began truly to live.
-yours truly.

the last stanza somehow didn't show up on the copy i printed out to read at the arts fest, so here it tis.

wowww

2005-05-14T05:10:00.000-07:00

god, i have so many thoughts rushing through my head at every speed and in every direction. thank you for coming to the first ever ARTS FESTIVAL! i hope everyone had as an amazing time as i did.. it was just perfect. thank you sir daniel for coming and playing and getting raved reviews because you are so worthy of them not only for your music but for your youness.
surprisingly, no tears or even glimpses of sadness went through me last night as my greatest friends in the world were up on stage being beautiful. i was expecting they might have, but the aura was just too positive last night to even want to let some bitterness slip in. so it stayed out.
i think i'll post the poem i read.. with the correct ending. when i got home and looked over it, i left out the best line. ha. but you know, it's what it is.. no big deal.
funny, some things are what they are.. and it is a big deal. yes, there was some monumental occurences last night.. and right now i'm just trying to bask in them rather than.. whatever will come of my emotional state in about 3 days. haha. at least i know the storm's coming. but damn.. what beautiful moments we shared. .. and it's like the words just kind of fall short because this story has been written for so long and it's just now getting read but you already know the plot.. so you pay less attention to the story line and take better notice of all the beautiful prose you skipped the first few times. thanks, you. we'll both be going crazy soon enough. but nonetheless, it's all so fond to me.

i have work all day and all night... and then i'm doing it again tomorrow. so you should come get some food at clyde's.. or just come pay me a visit. i have so many more things i want to write about. it feels like that's always the case. i don't like working this much. i mean REALLY, money isn't one of my priorities.. ha.. you guys know that. oh well. it's funny.. the $ isn't even what i work for. i work for the satisfaction of working hard and earning something. oh the way i work. pun intended. speaking of work.. i've gotta go find out what time i have to be there.

have a beautiful beautiful weekend. i feel like i need time to digest everything that just happened.. but i'm being rushed into a pool full of crabcakes and chicken #1 and hamburgers and mussles and soup. and right now i'm not hungry for that shit. ah. i'm too metephorical right now to wait tables. i'll start reciting poetry to my coustomers. hahha. oh man. that'd be funny/ hahha.

later loves. please visit me!

speaking through silence (a newspaper article by yours truly)

2005-05-11T22:03:00.000-07:00

I remember as a freshman seeing a senior girl who I admired greatly sitting limp with a blank expression on her face in the front lobby of the school. She was dressed in all white with her face painted to match and was completely silent. She seemed as though she was dead. Micayla and I went up to the senior and attempted greeting her, only to discover her silence was intentional and a response would not be met. I remember an eerie feeling coming over me as I thought to myself, why is Andi pretending to be dead?
Later in the day, walking through the halls, it seemed as if every corner I turned there was another upperclassmen dressed in all white resembling a dead person. After much internal questioning, I was finally informed that the demonstration was intended to prevent students from drinking and driving after prom. The people who dressed in all white were representing students killed in drinking and driving related car accidents.
The memory of the event stuck with me over the years, even four years later when it came time for my senior prom. The image of Andi sitting still, silent and in all white, essentially dead, had not cleared from my mind. I recounted with Micayla how effective their demonstration was, and we talked about how horrible it would be if one of our friends died in a drinking and driving related car accident. We knew that we had to do whatever we could to prevent such a fatality.
The Wednesday morning before the 2005 Prom students trickled into school and glanced apprehensively at me. Some stopped to take a closer look at what was written on the sign across my chest, some laughed or made fun of me unsure what to do with such a serious matter, and some just kept on walking. The pattern remained the same throughout the day.
See this time I was dressed in all white with my face painted to match. This time I sat silent the entire day when students came up to me attempting to say hello or asking if I was allowed to talk to them. And this time they eventually realized that I was not going to respond; that I was demonstrating for a very worthy cause.
As I sat silent the entire day I found myself chanting in my head the words that were written across my chest… “Every 30 minutes a student dies due to drinking and driving”. Chuck Palahniuk once wrote that “silence is the hardest blessing you give up,” and I would have to agree. As I lied limp about the school, not speaking to a soul but my own, part of me really did feel as if I were dead. But with death comes glory, or at least more publicity, and if nothing else, people certainly were talking.
The statement spread like a forest fire and soon every other word I heard in the hallway was “dead” or “ghosts”. The information sheets in my hand about the detriments of drinking and driving disappeared quickly and I knew that no matter how many people kicked me, or how many people stood in front of my face trying to get me to laugh, or how many teachers were not in support of a clearly imperative cause… the message was there, and those who had open minds, were not only influenced, but challenged to really reevaluate their actions and decisions.
At the end of the day there were 46 dead bodies strewed across the lobby floor, myself included, all with varying signs, varying hypothetical stories, and varying effects on bystanders. 2:10 arrived and the lobby filled with students anxious for the weekend and our much anticipated Prom. Somehow though, the usual end of the day hype wasn’t as energetic as people took a calm moment to look around at us, at their peers who were no longer with them because they chose to face the consequences of drinking and driving. Thankfully these hypothetical deaths did not occur and we were blessed and fortunate to have every student return safely to school the next week.
I would like to extend my personal gratitude to Atholton students, teachers, and administrators on behalf of everyone involved in the anti-drinking and driving demonstration for listening to the words we chose to speak through our silence. Thank you.

i'm just trying to evolve

2005-05-09T20:17:00.000-07:00

uht oh.. i have homework i should really be doing.. and i'm sick and tired.. and it's a group thing.. and uht oh.. the blog is still approaching.. uht oh.. .uht oh... ohh.. it's here! (kinda like an orgasim)

alright, so i haven't written in a while because i've been swamped in busy-ness. the good kind of busy for the most part. but damn am i exhausted. and sick.

senior prom was just perfect. i ended up going with jodi, kathleen, judy and mike. small, intimate and couldn't have meant more. i'd write all about it, but i'd rather just skip to the end.. when kathleen's dad made us an awesome camp fire and pitched a super tent and we sat out and talked and looked up and the beautiful sky and made up priceless-one-night-only-lyrics to a song that no longer exists, and laughed, and cried and snuggled, and froze and woke up to strawberries and sun and kathleen's parents warm southern hospitality and bacon. and i just loved it. and the whole thing just made me realize even more how meaningful each moment with these amazing people in my life really is.

after prom, during the about 15 minutes i had to relax on mother's day, i'm pretty sure i broke down. i told my parents that i don't want to go to college. that i want to do all of the "one day"s that never get done.. all of the little things that we say we're going to do or try, but don't. i want some time to myself to just experience life rather than defer everything for school. and i really don't think there's anything wrong with that. but the problem is, the experiences i'm talking about, so many of them happen by chance without planning or preparation.. but by being with the right people in the right place at the right time. and so much of that time, place, people factor is alligned through school.

ah, see lately i've been stuck arguing with myself over whether or not our lives are in our hands. and i most certainly think they are when it comes to what we do.. that we make our lives into what we want them to be (within certain parameters).. but it just seems that every second we can't be making concious decisions about 'hmm what am i doing right now and is it exactly what i should be doing?' (and i mean should be in terms of what we feel or know to be "best" for ourselves at the moment) i like to tell myself that it's all in our control.. that way i'll try to control it for the best.. but i'm not sure i believe myself.. and i definitely don't do a great job controlling things, no matter how hard i might try.

...i've just felt like i'm on the verge of something.. on the verge of myself i guess.. and maybe this summer will be just enough time to feel like i've gathered things together (for the most part).. or maybe it won't. but it's like what jodi was saying in her blog... i just don't want to feel afraid to do something different. and i really think that the more we act on our intuitions, the easier it becomes to continue following our own paths. whether or not we're making concious decisions. so i suppose what i'm saying is maybe if i just live, everything will work out.

"and i am trying to evolve
i'm just trying to evolve
so i walk like i'm on a mission
cuz that's the way i groove
i got more and more to do
i got less and less to prove
it took me too long to realize
that i don't take good pictures
cuz i have the kind of beauty
that moves" -ani difranco, evolve

mr. bill is leaving mobil. wednesday is his last day. i'll cry for sure. what monumental changes are dancing about.

i'd just like to feel comfortable with my uncertainties. because they're not going anywhere anytime soon, that's for sure.

well i'm sick with a fever and everything else.. so i'm off to finish english homework. my mind has been tredding water lately just trying to keep up.. i'm hoping soon i can relax and sort through all of the things i mentioned and failed to mention. have a wonderful week.

a glimmer of hope in a weary world

2005-04-27T15:51:00.000-07:00

yesterday was inspiringly eventful. this entry is long, but worth the read.

jo kat and i all hopped into MamaMazda (jodi's car) at around 2:30 on our way to philly for
the ani difranco concert! jodi knew this guy Chris who lived in Camden, NJ who was a friend of
the church/their family and who had just stayed at their house last weekend.. and so we had
planned to stop and get dinner at their place and have them show us around the neighborhood.
Now if you're familiar with NJ, you'll know that Camden is literally the ghetto. Until
about 2 years ago, their neighborhood was completely neglected by the government, and
absolutly no funding was designated for their area. It was looked at as a lost cause. and
it practically was.

Almost two years ago, there was this group of about 10 young people at a church in a suburb of Chicago who were informed of the area and all that was going on. They were led by their faith in Jesus Christ as their role model to this city, to this neighborhood, to this 3 story appartment located in the middle of horrible crime, prostitution, polution, and drugs and that had been abandoned for 6 years. They decided they were going to renovate this run down apparment, and make it into a home that would be the basis and network for positive and helpful deeds in the area.

When we got there (after getting lost for a great while), Chris and his wife Cassie were
standing outside the appartment waiting for us and directed us into their graveled drive way
that had a refigorater turned on its side where they threw all of their kitchen scraps until
they composited into mulch. (they were also growing all sorts of vegetables in their half-rock-filled soil) They brought us into their home and explained their vision to us. Just to quote them
correctly, part of their vision from off of their website CamdenHouse.org states, "Any
member in the house might be involved in any different type of work toward seeking justice
and/or care for the needy, addicted, orphaned, widowed, or just depressed—recognizing that
often we do not always bring the gospel to the poor in our service, but they bring it to us
in "Jesus' distressing disguise.""

I mean, I'm not religious, let alone christian, but that really really doesn't matter. What these people are doing with their lives is incredible and so inspiring, no matter what their original drive may be. It takes such courage on so many levels... from the realness of their
own safety to the hardship of hope and encouragement to keep going. So let me tell you more of what exactly they're doing.

As the man showed us around his home, one of the things he pointed out to us was a row of about 12 bikes lined up that they had collected for local kids. They started kind of a match-maker program in the neighborhood, paring up kids and bikes. After the tour of the home, we got going on the tour of the hood, and it was just crazy. About a block and a half away from their rowhouse, was a huge sewege plantation and also a licorish plantation where they made mulch. the odors were servere and pungent as we listened to chris give us a small history lesson by the water. Next stop was at a maybe 15x30 square foot fenced off garden that was basically in people's back yards. The group planted onions and mushrooms and other assorted vegetables there in hopes to bring life to a once dying area. We went to a greenhouse bought by the group after that with basically the same goal.

I can't go on in detail about all of the wonderful things they're doing (mainly because i don't know the details and i don't want to misrepresent this mission).. but being there was just amazing. we had no clue that that was what we were in for (or at least i didn't), when they said we could come get some dinner and they'd show us around their neighborhood. But the experience was definitely eye-opening. Just whitnessing the way these people lived.
Their home is communal, their meals are all communal, their praying is done in group, and
their focus is on their faith, their religion, and their love for one another, rather than
focusing on themselves. It was really beautiful to see... the whole thing was like a spec of
light, a little glimmer, that refuses to stop growing in a very dark and weary fog. They
were committed to their life style and to their hope for improving the lives of others.

The experience made me feel very much like i'm not doing enough with my life. So i hope
that through reading this, some of you may be inspired to do more for those less fortunate
than yourself... or at least be able to recognize where you stand amidst this society of
people, and how lucky you are for being there. Because that's what this whole event did for
me.

Now I didn't know that a person could feel much more inspiration in the time span of one
day, but with an ani difranco concert on the schedule, it's almost impossible to not feel
inspired. We were late for the show, so Chris and his wife sent us in the car with a tupaware of broccoli, crumpetts, grahm crackers, pretzles, some chocolate, and apples and pares for dinner. it was awesome. haha.. but after getting lost numerous more times, and asking several different people for directions, we finally arrived at the Keswick theatre! and it was beautiful. old fashioned, artsy, and in the middle of a very new england-like small town.

Ani was just incredible. She just stood there and played her heart out with her bassest at her side plucking away. As she sang I just kept thinking, 'this is a person not afraid to excell at who she is'.

I think that so much of society and so much of ourselves are telling us to conform, to be well rounded, to be stable and under control.. but i really don't believe that we're all made to be that way. ani really is an inspiration to say yes to that little voice inside your head that's begging to be acknowledged, to act on your instincts and live forth your intuitions... to go in the direction of who you are, rather than what people want or expect you to be.

am i really going to college in the fall? all this anticipation is crazy for the mind.

i really have to say thank you to kathleen and jodi for sharing so much with me and encouraging so much of who i am. i love you guys.

i could go on forever.. but i'll stop here.

make something of today

two notes and a poem

2005-04-22T19:30:00.000-07:00

today was better than yesterday. tonight was better than today.

at some point tonight kathleen was up dancing, jo was sitting to my side, danielle to the other, and jude behind me... and danielle sees me smiling at kathleen and says, "you love kathleen"... and i answered, "i DO love kathleen!"... and then i cried through a smile. haha.. for about 20 seconds. later jodi was performing her "don't forget me" song.. and kat got teary eyed.. it was heartwarming.. man. i really do just have the most amazing friends in the world. it's hard to believe that every moment tops the next, and even what most would find dull, we seem to find life in. it's just beautiful. and tonight it hit me that because of these incredible bonds, even when i don't have love in the form of a boyfriend, i hardly ever feel as though i'm alone or empty without someone special to share life's joys with. granted, there's always some void no matter where or who you are, but mine really has been greatly filled with these nothing short of brilliant individuals. and i just feel lucky. lucky and happy and greatful. (tim would ask me to what/who do i feel greatful? and i would answer, either myself or some higher being of god/fate that i'm not sure exists.. haha, sorry tim, i won't ever make up my mind)

other notes:
arts festival friday the 13th!! it's going to be amazing.. tell all your friends! and let me know if you want to play asap!
i'm seeing ani difranco tuesday in philly with jo and kat!!
i've been occupied after school by fricking page maker working on the literary magazine.. so if you want to help out, or are wondering where i am.. stop in the journalism lab and lend a hand. i'm likely to be there

now for a freshly written poem.. (fresh = 4th period today) :

It's a mystery to me how i have not yet
combusted from the inside out
It's a worry to me, this cycle that rushes
from one pole to the next
this drug that pours through my
blood to the center of my deepest
emotions, hurrying my pulse
to the speed of excitement and
lust and incessant longing
makes for a passionate tragedy
when the blood begins to wear
thin, losing its strength and immunity
Pain, it's the kill that looms and
slowly serenades a solemn song of sadness
singing, your face arrives at the front of my mind
reminding, reminding me of my
susceptibility to the
suicide of love
The climax reaches its peak and plummets
to the depths of Hades
punishing us for our sins, our
sincere deceptions marked by
heartfelt intentions and
dreams of a beautiful bearing
Entering cloudy heights of rapture, our
sins fall and our realities rise into the
world of whimsy fantasy
...Until we are grounded by the biting
truth that we are not alone!
and the sorry cycle spins on
Because I cannot deny, you cannot deny
we cannot run from the greater truth
that the glorious wonderland is worth the crying netherworld

night all.
who else is excited for life? (i said life because i was going to say summer, and then college, and then the train just kept chuggin..)

so yeah.. "every day's a good day... because i make it one!" - [leaving you with a quote from the famous] Mr. Bill

dream onn

a wave of changes

2005-04-18T11:49:00.000-07:00

for lack of eloquency, just to get these thoughts/updates out
1) i'm going to towson in the fall and transfering to northeastern in the spring if i don't still get in first semester
2)i cleaned my room
3) i love my friends
4)i love a fella in a very non conventional style - and i've come to terms with that
5) it's scary and inviting to think of everything that will change come september...
6) but for now, there are so many amazing opportunities and chances to be lived that most definitely won't sink with a scared attitude.
7) because the concept and reality of right NOW is so important and so empowering if used that way.
8) senior suprilitives bother me.. i just don't understand their importance. someone care to argue that? i'd like to hear a different opinion.
9) the motivational speaker at the band trip was very motivational, for lack of creative word choice.
10) it amazed me today in class to really look at how selfish and immature a great majority of students are.... is learning in class not a team effort too? that with a few bad seeds, the whole experience can be easily posioned? or with more positivity, can be skyrocketed with illumination and encouragement?

alright, the list thing was just to get so many thoguhts out quickly...

i'm going to walk around the lake with jodi on this beautiful day. comment if you'd like more depth on one of my rants... rants is a positive word-- because talking about things is good!

that brings something else up -- imagine if people didn't ignore/hide their daily misfortunes. imagine if people weren't ridiculed for feeling sad.. imagine if a genuine moment was taken out of every day to really ask someone else.. hey, what's up? how you doin today? -- fine is such a cop out answer. and in some places.. people really stop to hear the truth.. and i just think that if that happened more places... if more people actually wanted to hear the truth, less people would be afraid or embarrased to admit their truths.. and maybe we'd all be better off. i think so.

i haven't made time to sit down and really get out all the things i want to say. but soon enough, i will. thanks for reading.
rach

yay, i'm back.

2005-04-13T20:00:00.000-07:00

i feel better. i found some good solutions for the two big problems. 1-i'm going to pitt next year (unless i hear from northeastern) 2-it's now fella friend's responsibility to be honest with everything.

and jodi reminded me that i'm not crazy, which was vital and necessary to be reminded of.

it's nice to know or believe that eventually i will get used to this mess of a person i am, and i will somewhat settle into myself. but for now, it's nice to know that i'm changing and somewhat manic and somewhat bipolar and very in love with it all. because eventually i will be sitting in the position of my mother or some elder, settled role and i won't be experiencing the kind of dramatic growth that i'm currently experiencing.. so i might as well milk it for what it's worth, right? there's nothing wrong with where i am or what i'm going through.. it's life.

and it's almost funny this situation i'm in. i admire you, mister. and the funny thing is, through all of this long chaotic mess, you really are one person i've accepted and not tried to control. hah. whatcha say about that one?

so i feel a lot better, but still anxious to keep on this journey toward... myself... "self discovery" (yeah, i know, i'm so cliche... too bad i mean it all.) anyway, i'm looking for some concerts/good music/fun adventures this summer.. or now for that matter. take me out.

music trip this weekend.. you know what that means... (imply whatever you want.)

yeah.. it's time for me to read and sleep. and tomorrow, i really want to go running. kick my ass if i don't. i've been a physical bum lately.

and hopfully soon these posts won't consist so much of my crazy emotional mayhem and will go back to more interesting thoughts and experiences. but all that had to be put on hold. my mind was under construction. har har har.

it really is time for me to sleep. ha. night loves.

much to learn

2005-04-12T11:40:00.000-07:00

as you can/have probably learned about me through reading this blog and/or actually being part of my life, i have trouble sitting still. (hence the name of this blog). but i mean the term sitting still in both a literal and figurative sense.

i suppose when i was talking to my friend today and he told me that i try to control my life, it hit me in a weird way.

i am productive when i feel it a necessity. and "productivity" seems necessary to me when it's dealing with my life in terms of relationships with others, or emotions within myself. really, all other things that most people find as priorities really don't stand out in my life. and obveously relationships and emotions are always changing.. therefore, there are always things to be taken care of.

i'm probably not making complete sense.. but i'm still trying to get this said.

so i've always kind of looked at myself as someone who goes with the flow, not very uptight about things, relaxed, etc.. but i think today i realized that stands true for all things outside myself. i can go with the flow as long as it's not directly affecting me. but once it does, uht-oh.. no can do. problem. alert.

for instance, relationships and i = disaster. why? i probably want to know exactly what's going to happen where when and why just to be safe. just to ensure that some ass hole doesn't break my heart. or just to be sure i don't end up in some relationship/trap that i don't want to be in... like every decision is final. i can't just let it be and see where it goes. not saying i'd be paranoid about single actions or everyday things.. but yes, paranoid about whether or not the situation was "right"... like that's something that can just be determined and known. ? it's not.

also, i think i'm just afraid of attachments. because lately i've been pretty destructive... even though i don;'t know where i'm going to college, i know that i'm not going to be with my friends. and just the other day, i was like giving jodi an attitude about something.. basically as a subconscious way to push her away so i wouldn't feel as hurt when we seperate.

okay: two things are sick right now. 1-that i do what i do. 2-that i analyze myself doing them.

it would be really nice if through experiences, or maybe through all of this thought i could learn how to just accept things in my life for what they are. i accept things in life for what they are all the time. i laugh at them and enjoy them or empathize or whatever.. but in my own life i have the hardest time just letting things be.

like i always feel i need to fix things in my life to make them "ideal". and then once i've accomplished that, i need to create something else or find something else to work on. i'm a fixer in every sense of the word... but you can't go through life trying to fix every relationship you're in.. because really, that's just creating a problem!

so yeah. i don't know where this is leading to.. i just know that i have a lot to learn. and much to experience. and i guess i'm worried that i'll end up wasting so much of my time trying to fix everything... but this is just who i am right now, and just what i have to go trhough to get to whatever's next. i'm just living, damnit! and i'm definitely over-analyzing my life. but that's the way that i am. so if you read this and think, 'just stop thinking so much!' that's not going to work, i've tried.

hmm. yeah. but it would be interesting to hear some new voices. maybe some outside opinion would be beneficial. feel free to comment.

sighhhh

2005-04-09T05:56:00.000-07:00

alright, there's no more telling myself that i'll just go to HCC in the fall. that's not happening. i'm not downing HCC, but damnit, it's not for me. I can't wait to get out of highschool to meet new and interesting and intellectually stimulating people. and i'm really just not the type to "oh well" a situation and settle for poop. so, if i still don't get into UMD or Northeastern in the fall, I'm going to Upitt. and that's settled. and if i want to transfer to northeastern from there for the spring semester, so be it, i will.

i really needed to decide that.. because this whole college thing has subconsciously been taking over my attitude. i've just felt down lately and i think a big part of it is feeling like i'm "not good enough" for some damn school. which in reality, doesn't really mean crap. but in the larger reality of my mind, it does. because the bottom line is i want to go some place where i feel i'll be happy. and hcc is not that place for me. and it just makes me sad to see all of my friends excited about going off to some wonderful school that they really wanted to go to and me being like.. uhh, yeah... college? it shouldn't be a college? it should be a college!.. and i'm fricking smart and mature and just not someone who should stay home for the first semester of college.. i can hardly take being home now! ahh. so yeah. and the fact that i'm shitting on school this quarter just makes it worse. just makes me feel like i'm even more retarted. when i'm really just not motivated right now. mother frikcing frickerhy.,dgj.

thank you for listening to me vent. i thought this would make me feel better, but somehow it's leading me to no where but more frusterated emotions.

AND.. i'm in a god damn MAZE of a relationship right now. and i can't help but love it and hate it and want to embrace it and push it away all at once. guh!

so, i'm just going to wait god damn tables and hopfully not fuck up. that optimism isn't smiling right now. it's crooked and confused and feeling like crap.

but, i don't want to let my life just go down the drain because of this. i need to stay up. i can't let everything i do suffer... even though this isn't some small matter. it's all working out, right?

right???

2005-04-08T01:32:00.000-07:00

it's 4:30 a.m. i've been up for a half hour... went to bed at 4p.m. yesterday. "i've never been so alone, and i've never been so alive" (at the beginning of the song, not the end). so if you're a motorcycle drive by analysist, that's your ticket into my emotions this morning. (and i'll probably tell you in the next few lines. i'm such a give a way)

summer, where are you?
i'm being a dumb ass about school. in other words, doing no school work at all. and getting crappy grades because of it. and not learning anything. and i get mad at myself because of it. hah. either do your work or get over it, but you're being self-defeating, rachael! yeah, i know. and i should do my work because for me that's the only way to "get over it"

so that's the reason why i'm awake anyway. to write this english paper that was due forever ago. so I make sure that i don't get a D in english. because i've gotten As and Bs on everything, but i don't know how much this paper is worth compared to the rest of them... therefore, if i ever stop procrastinating on this blog, i bet i'll feel a lot better once i just write this damn paper. wow, i have such a guilty consious.

akrjhjrnhrwh.

someone commented on my poetry. i bet i could guess who.

thank god it's only a half day. lit mag's going to have one hell of a meeting today.

i'm waiting tables sat and sunday all day at clyde's outside on the patio... come out and get some good food. sunday's brunch and delicious!

i want to have an excellent day. because it's been a weird start. now i haveee to go write that paper. later

biting optimisim?

2005-04-06T19:45:00.000-07:00

i was talking to my lovely male friend today during lunch.. in and out of different topics and such.. and it was strange, one thing led to another and he ended up saying something along the lines of, "i think your optimisim is so unusually genuine that our pessimistic society doesn't know how to accept you... can't accept you."

it was a "what the fuck?" kind of truth. as in, why is this so true? shouldn't it be the opposite way around?.... but, it's not.

i went to DC today with jodi and danielle and saw the cherry blossoms and magnolia trees and monuments and wonderfulness of our capital. it was good to be there.. i felt like after travelling to all of these amazing places in greece, it was really great to feel connected to my own country.. cause coming home i really felt no pride in being american.. but honestly, the country we live in is so full of liberty and freedom and adaptation.. and everywhere you go in life sheds a different kind of opportunity.. so here, in this country, i have to appreciate what i've got and make the most of it all. there's so much just waiting to be embraced if you're willing to make the effort.

hunter s. thompson: an author i really want to explore.

life? where the hell am i going with you? i have no clue. college? so i got waitlisted to Northeastern for the fall semester, got in for the spring. .but i'm pretty sure i'm going to go there no matter what... which means, what am i going to do during the fall? i don't want to spend 20,000$ going to upitt or towson or wherever just to transfer.. so i'm probably going to end up going to HCC for the fall. (this will be funny to read a few months from now when it's all figured out)

it's just so weird to think about. which is why i don't. i could still get into UMD or Norhteastern for the fall, and if i do, i'll probably end up going... but for now the two schools i want to go to don't want me til the spring!

but the weirdest/hardest part to even imagineee is not being with my closest friends. i mean, i was gone for what, 10 days and i mean, i was having a fricking ball.. but i just kept thinking.. oh, jodi would loveee this, or micayla would go crazy over these guys, or danielle would buy EVERYTHIGN, or kathleen would fall in love with the aura. this is me drifting away from these thoughts before they build....

so what's better... to let the "what if" linger and play the intriuging, innocent game of "we'll never know" forever... or to step out on a limb and let it all happen, setting yourself up for a beautiful demise? because i've been living the former for almost 2 years now, never risking the latter.

well shit, 2 years is a long ass rising action.. but i've never been one to put the book down before i even reach the climax. (that's actually a lie, i start books all the time that i don't finish... but the good ones i always read all the way through.. and the metaphor worked..so yeah)

italianchic311: how much better can life really get? i really hope it gets better and not like... we're old

rairai1012: it won't

rairai1012: life is a constant rising action if you live it that way

italianchic311: and the climax is death?

rairai1012: sure.

italianchic311: i guess i can deal with that.. the falling action was never that interesting anyway

this could be an example of my biting optimism, i suppose. haha.. i love jodi. i mean realllly.

what a day/night it has been. ... i'm lost in a world of unknowns and knowns and findings and escapings and questions and blah blah blahs wearing green skirts to pass the wind, not time.

that made no sense, goodnight lovelies.

disclaimer: i cannot spell. i'm somehow sighing and smiling and worrying and wandering all at once. how do i work with out breaking? haha. who knowsss

hold the gun

2005-04-04T21:09:00.000-07:00

across the ship a poor boy sits sipping his coke and rum
and somehow i see the him in me as i sit silent, alone with these thoughts on my tongue
novice ideas of unity in you and me and then they quickly float on past
even the tender congruity of humanity cannot, will not last

similarities, those liars, set up to fool us all to fall
off deck without our life vests on the one-way stream towards societal call
lying, oh to lie along the water paved in colorful rocks
but your rocks take me to a world too free for me
too fantastically ecstasy
and i'm afraid what would become of me if i took the seat beside your soul

a sorry boy sits across the world, i know him very well
he winds himself down then fumbles around and falls victim to poisoning himself
another world with pretty pearls and colorful stones to fill our bags
another world with dreamers and feelers and cherries blooming like there's no doom looming
maybe another world wouldn't crash and hurl at the beauty of creative minds
but every time i find a boy sitting in sight with a drink and a light
my heart cannot help but sway and the waves cannot help but crash
and all the splendor in suggestive hearts just barely doesn't fall apart
it lingers on wanting me to share the drink of bliss and bask in rocks that break me free
and let me be, and let me be

i dream of a boy next to me who's freedom i can swallow
but the worst of my heart has got the best of my mind and will not let me wallow
just to follow the sea as the wind blows us along
the tide can frown and turn us around and still sing us a beautiful song
but just to follow the sea would age my naivety
freedom, the fearful gun i am terrified to hold

a tune i've heard many times serenades me on this sailing eve
believe, believe, darling believe
sip your coke and rum
untie your anchor and be one
with the tranquility of the endless sea
and the ecstasy of connectivity
despite it's biting brutality

hold the gun, hold the gun
untie your anchor and be one
speak the heart that’s dying to be freed from your taciturn, silenced tongue
hold the gun

greecian beauty!

2005-04-04T18:22:00.000-07:00

my my my emotions are high. (that was studdering and rhythmic). anywho, it's odd to type, feels like it's been forever.
what a break from reality and a glimpse into a different one the past 10 days have been. i took pictures of breathtaking sunsets on ancient greek islands (that eventually i'll figure out how to put on the internet.. ha), picked rocks with beautiful people from the beautiful beachs of rhodes, threw up on the Agean 1 (our dashing cruise ship that loved to rock), roamed one of the 7 wonders of the world in Turkey, made out with a hot british guy in a club in Athens, danced with Greeks, ate delicious (actual greek) and not so delicious(cruise/hotel) foods, rode a donkey to the top of a mountain that hosted the phenomenal city of Santorini, lost my voice, went to amazing museums, attempted to speak greek... need i continue?
i cannot seem to come straight out and say, 'this has been the best time of my life!', only because i'm just not one to call something the best/worst/whatever... but i can say that this has been, to put it in one word that we used oh so often, 'Awesome!!'.. Throughout the trip I kept feeling like I was gaining a global experience rather than just a Greek one because there were people from everyyywhere in greece and on the cruise.

wow. i have so much i could write about. the musing went on and on as i was introduced to new wonders my mind wandered. i wrote some poetry, drew some pictures, bought a crap load of crap (for myself and others)...

so i had never been to europe before this, but it was crazy for me to see how English really is such a global language. In every airport we went to (ones in germany, greece, and france) Everything was subwritten in English.. and in Germany and Greece espcially.. almost every-other advertisment/billboard was written in English. Yes, I'm just niave, it's not that astounding.. but it made me feel a little self centered. (not like i could help it or do anything about it).. but it just bothered me to know that the whole world knows my language and i know no one elses (minus my crappy attempts at spanish). Also, the majority of people i spoke to from other countries (greece, serbia.. okay, that was it) spoke english. So it really makes me want to if not learn other countries languages (because there are just too damn many to learn them all) at least learn about their cultures/histories etc.

at one point when we were at Santorini, Judy and I had gone back to "Lucky's" for our second gyro in about 30 minutes cause they were THAT good... and while she was waiting in line i ran to get my mom a greek cook book... and it was so crazy, as i was running back (we were short on time) i broke out into a laughing/crying fit because i couldn't get over how amazing and beautiful and free the place that i was standing in was. and when i got back, judy told me that she had just started to cry because the experience was so beautiful.

i jotted down a re-cap of what we did every day because we jammed so many things into one day i knew that i would never remember/keep everything straight. It's too much to re-write here, but i'll touch on some of the highlights...

in Mychinoes after walking around for a while, i stopped in a little gyro shop and was trying to ask a little old man in greek for a recommendation. he didn't know what i was saying but he was so nice.. he kept hugging me and fed me his fetta cheese from his fork!! hahaha.. it was funny. the people are just different... so layed back, so much culture, so much pride.
Ephasus (one of the 7 wonders of the world) was so awesome.. the tour guide was really smart and was feeding us all sorts of fun facts (that of course my brain-dead mind doesn't remember).. but we saw the original Nike statue and the doctor symbol with the snake..
I loved Patmos so much. Instead of shopping we roamed around the back alleys of beautiful colored houses and local greek homes picking delicious lemons and photographs and sun in our faces.
wow, it's so weird to be home.
Before we got off the ship for Rhodes, Alaina Paige and I were eating lunch and we befriended this guy named Steve from california.. he ended up roaming around Rhodes with us and we went to this awesome museum and then picked rocks from the beautiful beach for at least 2 hours. any average joe might have thought us crazy for sitting, legs spread, pants rolled up, filling our bags with assorted rocks.. but there was no where i would have rather been. it was beautiful and peaceful and perfect.
While we were in crete i really felt like i could see myself living there.. it was a very blue-colar-like city. kind of reminded me of baltimore, minus all the drugs (i'm sure they're there though)... that was another thing about greece.. i saw hardly any homeless people. i know they're somewhere, but they were hidden well.
**insert santorini/judy/gyros bit from above (i'm trying to do this is chronological order)
mmm...soft pretzles and pasteries and chocolate covered cherries. at a food break after departing from the ship and on the way to the Temple of Posidon i stopped into a little authentic greek bakery and it was delectible! (and the people who worked there were just so friendly) At the temple the wind nearly blew us off the cliff, but i thought it made the whole experience more memorable/interesting/fun. ... i really will insert pictures soon. as in within the next few days.
much greatness in athens but i'm getting tired.. so i'll maybe finish this tomorrow.

i feel so lucky in so many ways for so many reasons from so many perspectives. sometimes i feel too lucky, like why did i get to live this life when so many people don't have even the slightest bit of it? but then really, everyone has their highs and lows, their beauties and sorrows. including myself. everyone does. so i appreciate the experience that i had in greece and i know this is just the beginning of my travels. this world is amazing when you think that there is no radius because every center, every person, every being is infinite.

i have poems to post about travels and loves and lost feelings and even more.

perhaps since i got waitlisted to Northeastern i'll just work/travel in the fall and start in january. i mean, really, i'd have a great time.

what better is there to do than live the life you wish to live?

love to all corners of the world via internet-rach

2005-03-22T16:19:00.000-08:00

i've never been good at plotting some intricate plan with a climactic result/realization. i've had to learn almost everything i know through trial and error... something obtainable. which is odd considering so much of what i see/the way i think is elusive. but perhaps that stands true for most people.. learning through trial & error.. and others trails are just larger or different or smaller..... someone continue this thought for me... i'd like good discussion on the topic.

the times that i feel most stagnant are those in which i am trying nothing new.. which makes perfect sense.. maybe the real reason i'm writing this is because i'm trying to evoke some sort of realization when there's just nothing to grasp.

tonight someone asked me if i had a boyfriend. i answered "no"... they asked, "why not?" I said, "good question"...but really i just didn't feel like explaining the same answer to another random person. i've been asking myself that question for..forever.. and i always come around to the same answer of.. oh there's just no one i'm that in to.. no one i really want to date, etc. and sometimes, like earlier tonight, the question seems trite.. like the answer has already been determined and would another person please NOT ask me, thanks........ but really, is any answer ever set in stone? is that really why i don't have a boyfriend? well on the surface, yeah, of course.. but i mean, i know pleantly of amazing guys who i really admire, respect, have fun with etc.. but nope, don't seem to want anything to do with them in a relationship. oh the confusions of having nothing to fuss over.

i'm going to greece on friday.. that's in 3 very short days... and really, i don't even know how to express how thankful i am for an opportunity like this. it really is just.. crazy.
i went to my bubby's house last night and she gave me 300$. yeah. just felt generous. i really didn't know what to do, how to respond. i cried. hahah.. i felt like my dad, he always cries when people give him really generous gifts. and before we went to bubby's house, my mom brother and i visited my aunt mary (my mom's 85 year old aunt who's more of a mother to her than her mother) and she has really bad emphazima. it was really sad, we walked her to her bed and helped her up onto it and she basically had a lung-attack (i apologize for my lack of any intelligent medical terms, oh well).. but yeah.. i wanted to cry (again) it was just really sad to watch... i was looking at her through her dresser mirror and something about the frame of the mirror acting as a picture frame reminded me of an image of a new born baby's body rising and falling to the pump of it's lungs. it was a beautiful and saddening sight. it made me feel thankful for my youth and even more thankful for the elderly people who are so close to my heart and still living.

well it seems like it's been a long night and it's only 8:00.. i think i'll catch some reading and probably fall asleep.
there's a long long longgg list of things i "should" do... but right now, i don't really want to do any of them.. i just want to hop on a plane to greece and forget all my responsibilities. yes, this is me running away. my grades are going to be horrible this quarter. and i really don't feel that bad about it. so that makes it a whole lot easier to upset my parents. haha. oh well..

thanks for reading this load of tired jibber jabber.

OH! dear god, if you have not heard the new bright eyes CD, please get your hands on a copy of it.. I'm Wide Awake, It's Morning.... so fricking good.

i went running today. it was beautiful outside. i want to know where i'm gonna go to school next year. goodnight lovlies.

Lit Mag Arts Festival!!!

2005-03-17T11:48:00.000-08:00

ATTN ALL!:
i am so excited to announce that Friday April 22 the Literary Magazine will be sponsering atholton's first ever Arts Festival! What will this "arts festival" entail? Welllllllllll..... the event will be run much like the former FBLA Coffeehouse... with live music (guitarists, local bands, etc etc...), some poetry reading, and coffee & goodies.... however, we are going to encourage more participation from all forms of art. IE short film, monologues, magic??? haha.. however you express yourself. We're also going to be displaying a lot of the art work that was submitted to lit mag and possibly enlarging poetry to poster-size and displaying that too...

Also, instead of cramming 200 people into the senior cafeteria.. we're hosting the show outside in the senior court yard!! (the U shaped section of grass that's engulfed by the school) and Mackechnie knows a lighting guy that's going to light the entire area for a super low cost (basically make different sections of the court yard look different colors) it's going to look so great. he had a senior leu-ow in the courtyard when my brother was a senior and the atmosphere was splendified!

we're planning on putting the stage/performers in one of the perpendicular corners so students can sit on blankets/benches/whatever the hell we have branching out from the corner.... and then the coffee and goodies will be on one end and on the other leg of the U we're going to show a silent black & white classic movie on the wall. it is going to be amazingly stupendous! i mean REALLY..

so ANYWAY, now that you've read how exciting the set-up sounds... let me know if you're interested in helping make it happen! that means perform, mic/sound, set up, decorate, food, everything, anything! the litmag staff is obveously helping... butttt the more hands the merrier.

all performers are limited to 2 acts inclusive of ones done with partners. bands are limited to 3 songs. there are exceptions if you're performing things other than music... ie poetry, monologue, etc...so feel free to bombard me with questions/excitment/enthusiasm/idiocy... whatever method works for you. ha.

YAY!

and if the sky rains so will my eyes. for all the non-poetic people: i'll cry.

tell me if you're as excited as i am. haha. peace loveeersssss.