a liberation not many have found

it's late, my eyes are somewhat dragging, but my mind is racing too much for sleep.. despite my 8 am wake up call to serve the spoiled-columbian-too-lazy-to-cook-themselves-a-damn-meal-citizens (some who are interesting, some who tip well, and some who are unfortunately unhappy)

let's just note for the 100th time, ani difranco is superwoman.

now, to the point:

i'm sitting passenger seat next to kate on the way home from the [kick ass] ani concert tonight when it dawned on me (for some nth time) how free we are to ACT. the question then lingers with, if we are so free to act, why are we so static? WHY are we so static? why are we so STATIC? why are we SO static?

broken down, our actions spring from a very logical cycle. (that is, of course, more relative to me than might be to you, since i'm not all-knowing)

first, we are small. we are without answers.
then, we do or don't make the decision that we want to be bigger.
if we decide we do, we fill with endless curiosity.
we ask why, how, for what reason, to whom it's healing or harming, when will these actions have consequences, will they? we long to know SOMETHING. some sort of answer.
and then, we explore. we hunt. we venture forward in search of solutions.
and eventually, we find answers.
and then we grow confident that our answers are beneficial to more than just ourselves.
so finally, we take action.

so where's the problem. easy cycle, right? well there's trouble in every step. the truth is, none of that stuff is ACTUALLY easy. each god damn step has something to trip you up. and it all starts in the beginning.
if we cannot accept that we are currently small, then we can never truly move past that state, free of our egos. (egos are something we should earn) it's like that fight club quote, "maybe we have to break everything to make something better out of ourselves"... now maybe we don't have to BREAK, but i mean, i just think humility has to exist before we can develop from a clean slate. are we not humble at birth?
and then what, so we're humble.. and we decide, damn we want some answers! now in chimes the institution, feeding every possible answer they can think up that is so ultimately correct. now, in chimes your fear to question outside of the institution. now in chimes your guilt for thinking outside of the institution. now you're stuck.
okay, so you're over that... or working on it.. and it's time to GO.. to be the huntress! well shit, where are the answers? what are you really searching for? HOW IN GOD'S NAME DO YOU SEARCH? how do you EXPRESS these voyages? how do you explain to all those people who got lost at step one that you've decided to work for the bigger woman than the big man. how do you explain to yourself that you're different?
so you figure it out. you're lewis and you find clark. you build a railroad. or find one that already exists. and you go. you transcend the haze that sits at the steps behind you, and you search.
holy cow, you find an epitome at the top of the hazy mountain and you can almost see a dark chocolate slide that will ride you all the way down on joy and sweetness! BUT what is joy if it is not shared? and how do you share something you're not completely sure will make any sense to anyone. i mean after all, you just spoke in 3 paragraphs of metaphor. "normal" people don't really think that's "cool". but fuck it. you're gonna spread it like butter across potato bread and if they eat it up, good. if not, well you sure do like potato bread and butter.
and now, your voice has been heard.. most likely you've got at least someone who cares to lobby for your cause. and boom. tis time to act.


good lord! THIS is why we are static. this is WHY we are static. this is why we are STATIC. look at how long that damn process was.

nonetheless,

we are free to act, once we free ourselves.

free yourself.


and if these words were jumbled, which i suppose they were.. i hope the message was still clear.

goodnight, loves.