an explanation could be helpful

so that last little poem i just spit out in a few minutes.. and i don't really know if i'm saying what i mean, or if i'm just plopping it all into some artistic little crap. haha but yeah.

i want to dive into more things without such hesitation and apprehension. for example, i want to open myself up to dating. sounds silly. haha. so silly that i really do laugh. because i get along great with people. and i LOVE people. and i love the concept of sharing life and beauty and experiences with others.. but the truth is, the possibility of actually being happy in a serious, long-term relationship with a guy seems so unreal to me, that i don't test the opportunity at all. and i've psycho-analyzed myself enough to know why i don't want to date. i'm afraid of being in a relationship like my parents. i'm afraid shitless of being unhappy with another person, so much that i refuse to be unhappy with another person. so i don't even try it if it seems like it would lend to being unhappy at all.
funny/interesting/amazing/wonderful/WEIRD thing is, in the past two weeks my parents have been getting along, as in making each other laugh, for the first time in my entire life. not like that.. undoes the damage, persay, but it does add a twist to the equation.
but anyway, i just want to move forward from my past and step out of my damn habitual inclination to not allow myself emotional investment in a guy, and just be more light hearted about it all.

i was thinking in the car tonight about the concept that older people who follow their dreams when they're young, whether they "achieve" them or not, are always happier as older people... and i just realized that since i was little, my biggest dream really was to fall in love. as young and hopeless as that sounds, it's the truth. and with every endeavor i pursue, i'm almost denying myself of my true hopes... covering up my deepest wishes with other things to acclaim myself for achieving.
i have a lot of big "goals" and feats i dream of accomplishing for humanity... but right now, i think i've been avoiding my dearest dreams for myself because i've been afraid. and honestly, that's just not what i want to do.