"everything's not lost"

it's been hard to feel like myself the past few days. in a school so large with no one that i know is on the same page, i really do feel lost in a way. i've met a lot of people.. all of them nice and interesting... but i guess these things take time. one girl from project serve seems really cool.. i've been hanging out with her a lot.. and the woman who led the community service project i did is really understanding and compassionate. i went in to talk to her yesterday because i was just feeling so overwhelmed. i'm glad i had/have someone i know i can go talk to if i need to. haha, i'll probably be there a lot.

it's just weird/hard because at home, the person who i am was constantly being reaffirmed and encouraged, and now i'm here alone... really on my own to figure out how i can reaffirm/encourage myself. and it's a challenge for sure.

the other weird thing is when people from home (jo, kat, my mom.. whoever lol) encourage me i feel even more sad.. like i can't do it on my own, or like i'm depending on them from a far.

i think i really just need to stay true to who i am inside and let it shine. let people get to know me for me. i gotta find a little more love from inside myself towards myself and just know that everything is and will continue to be working out.

we went to a men's homeless shelter one morning for project serve. we helped to prepare their lunch and clean up around the shelter some. the whole day grabbed my interest so much because the shelter constantly advocated that "God is always the same".. it was such a powerful source of hope for these me who's lives had been so tumultuous and full of unknowns.

i think about God and spirituality a lot.. so many late night conversations were spent with that topic at hand.. and in the past few days i haven't been able to stop wondering how my itty bitty soul relates to something much much bigger. after the whole project serve was over, the group went out to dinner to celebrate kind of.. and talking to a few girls, i realized that i have this burning desire inside to explore a spiritual journey.. find answers to some of the questions bouncing around in my mind. maybe us humans aren't as strong on our own as i thought we were, and we need something bigger and constant like friendships or love from god to keep us feeling supported. or maybe i just don't have it together inside myself yet.

we shall see.

"God is a concept by which we measure our pain." -John Lennon


i love you guys, and miss those of you who are oh so close to my heart. like coldplay says, "everything's not lost"... it's really not. life, in it's messy and disasterous form, is here for us to understand that in it's confusion, a coexistance of complex beauty overrides what we mistake for horror.
love.