push & pull

Lately I've had these really strong internal forces leading me in opposite directions. The future is chugging forward like a one-way train, while the past is sprinting as fast as it can along the dirt trying to keep up with all it's might. And eventually, the past and the dirt road evaporate into one vauge memory far behind the train's destination. And where am I? On a train that won't stop no matter how many times or how desperately I tug the rope. A train that doesn't go in reverse to the land of old station wagons and bumper stickered cars, or idealized relationships that were doomed from the start, or sitting in the bed rooms of our parent's homes strumming the guitar, or walking through the park, or leaving a mark on some silly land called high school. I'm on a train and it's taking me to a completely new place... one i've never before even known could exist. But if I had dreamed of the greatest place on earth, it might come close to lying in bed with two heads and bodies and hearts enjoying every second of lost innocence shared. All that's missing is all that came before what's living now.

This is beginning again and living then. A push & pull.

It's so strange, but I feel so different. So different. When you hear about growing up and getting married and having a job and kids, it sounds like such a far away dream until you find someone you could actually do it with. And then it just becomes a far away reality. And this whole new world opens up with this whole new set of things to consider and think about... questions and dilemmas and solutions and struggles and wonders.. This whole new set of things that make you grow up.

People always talk about sex as something that takes you innocence. But I think something much larger does if you let it.




"Well something's lost, but something's gained in living every day." - Joni Mitchell

I think this about all I want to let out right now.

My fondest thoughts.