what are you struggling with?

so jodi and i watched this documentay/movie called "the journey" the other night and a theme that remained as this man and his crew drove across country trying to mend the gap between genereations was "what are you struggling with?" they interviewed tons of people; old, young, famous, successful... and got an assortment of different answers.. but the important lesson was that everyone struggles.. and a lot of our struggles can be related universally if we are willing to hear them from one another. if we're willing to be open and compassionate to one another, rather than judgemental. if we want to listen and offer help, rather than give a cold sholder or a look of pity. so that's something i think is very important, and something that i'm working on.

well lately, as you may know, i've been struggling a lot. with college, with friends, with family, with work, with all of the change that's about to undergo.. and that already has due to such large anticipations.

it's easy for me to want to defend myself as a person.. to want to say, "this is who i've BECOME from all of my PAST and i would like acknowledgement for that.... and that's all".. but the problem is, that can't be all. new problems are always arising. new situations that call for new solutions.. and i'm learning that if i try to solve new problems with the same old solutions, then i end up attaching an old problem to a new one, making for a much larger mess. i end up pulling my past into my present. and i can't do that anymore. so i'm struggling very much with that.
i'm also struggling with not wanting to admit my feelings that are hard. such as, "i'll miss you very much and that hurts", but when i try to supress that for whatever reason, backhanded negativity sort of seeps out from within me towards the very people who i love and will miss the most. (sorry jo)
i've been struggling with wanting to control my future rather than enjoy my present. trying to make decisions about northeastern and towson and how i'm GOING to feel and adjust before i even get there... or even connect myself to either school at all.

i've been struggling with a lot... and just talkign about it all has helped me to get through these things. just being more open and honest with MYSELF about what i'm really struggling with has sort of presented easier solutions on its own. i've got a ways to go... but i feel a lot better.


on the way home from boston, i asked my dad, "what are you struggling with?"
he said, "that i busted my knee and now i can't practice my golf swing"
i kept asking him, and just sitting there quietly hoping for a response (this is what the guy in the movie did when people gave him silly answers) and eventually he said he was struggling with the well being, happiness and success of his children.


what are you struggling with?