CRAP!

alright, so the previous post was trying to force through all the crap i'm having trouble with right now. but it's still here. so yeah.

i hate complaining and i hate feeling like i can't deal with my own shit, and it ends up being very self-destructive at times because whenever something "hard" or "bad" comes along i just rationalize it all and figure whatever reason to make myself believe that i can handle it. and then i end up handling it. but eventually shit piles up and i get sick of "knowing how to deal with everything" or finding a "mature solution". fuck, man. it's the way i live, but it's not god damn easy. i mean, when it comes to anything concerning other people i totally stand up and shout out and all that good stuff opposing things that suck. but when it comes to myself, i just "deal" by rationalizing. nothing's bad so nothing can hurt me. because if my parents relationship actually sucks, and if theyyy actually suck for living it, then that hurts. because my whole life i've tried to find a way for it to not suck, instead of just shouting out, YOU GUYS SUCK FOR BEING SO RETARTED WITH ONE ANOTHER!

yesterday i finally shouted it out. my mom and i were going to plan a trip to the grand canyon/vegas etc, figuring my dad wouldn't want to go, because god knows my parents couldn't handle agreeing on anything for any amount of time that's supposed to be "stress free". but to our surprise, my dad was interested in going. of course however, ONLY under the conditions that we go NO MORE than 4 nights and 5 days. and of course, my mom refuses to go for anything less than 7 nights. so there was screaming and shouting and name calling and acting like children between my parents. what the fuck, why can they not just sit down and actually make a game plan and figure out how many ngihts they NEED rather than spitting out stupid numbers that they knew would piss the other person off. that's my god damn solution to their stupid, non-communicating, 5 year old argument. but i wasn't even going to offer it. i just screamed. YOU GUYS FUCKING SUCK. AND YOUR MARRIAGE FUCKING SUCKS. AND YOU'RE BOTH TO BLAME! and then i went upstairs. only for my dad to follow me telling me all of the god damn reasons why it's NOT his fault and it IS my mom's fault. "i'm a normal person, rachael.. it's her."... no dad, you're fucking married to her.. so that makes you a part of it.

basically, i'm done even thinking about solutions for my parents. i'm done being around their rediculous door slamming arguments. i'm done being at all involved in the negative energy that's spread every time they talk. i hate it. i really really hate it. and i have nothing left to work for with them. i'm gone in two months. and i need to go to be able to fricking GROW.

i mean, i'm scared to be anything like that. i'm really really scared. and i just want to go away so bad so i know that i can actually control the god damn environment i'm in, and really live MY life free of THEIR shit. cause sometimes i can't keep track of what's what.

so yeah. that's been bothering me a lot lately. but besides that. a lot of crap has been going on with jodi. and just feeling very under appreciated in general. and i hate to say that. because i hate to ask for any kind of gratitude or recognition. i hate to ask for it, but i do need it. and i really just haven't been getting it.

and the thing that sucks the most about my parents is they're so caught up in their stupid fighting that they can't be nearly as cool parents as their potential. i mean, they really are both great individuals. but they're just ruined by eachother. or maybe that's just me trying to give them a break so it doesn't hurt that yeah, my parents suck a lot of the time as people.


i'm feeling very... sad, frankly. and disappointed a lot in the people i love. and that's a hard feeling to have.

i really wish that people would be more up front about their shit. about the things that SUCK about them. because there are things that suck about everyone! and i just wish we would look at ourselves and be more honest, and know how to apologize, and know WHEN to apologize, and get some balls to fess up and say we've been an ass hole, or an idiot, or selfish, when we have. i know, it's hard to do, espcially in the beginning. because we want to "love ourselves". but there's a difference between actually loving yourself, despite any time you might fuck up, and covering up your crap with conceit. yeah.



there are a lot of reasons why going to college is going to be so amazing, mainly because i'll actually be free from my childhood and able to build the life i'm so ready to live. but that presents another problem: college? uhhh.. i have my little preliminary plan, but damnit, i want to get settled into something stable and stay. i find enough instability in every day life. i don't need my atmosphere to be changing too. so yeah.


leave some encouragment, or praise for that matter. or just plain old love. because 1-i need it, 2-i deserve it.