what we gain

...from a childhood of experiences.

our lives are not fairytales, no matter who we are. we have fleeting moments of supreme delight.. but we are not cinderellas forever. we are brokenhearted, or mildly content, or active, or cynical, or heated, or immature, or wise, or prude, or generous... but most consistantly, we are LIVING.

so the theme remains, what do we gain? what do we gain? what do we gain? what do we gain? what do we gain? while we are alive!

and damnit i just want to repeat it over and over again.. type it out each time, and mean every punch of this silver keyboards inquiry.

WHAT DO WE GAIN?

the choice is up to us.


tonight i went to a family friends college graduation party. he had about 10 close friends there.. adn there were about 10 other family friends. it was small, relaxing, and intimate. his aunt from boston was there.. and as the night winded down we got to talking over turkish coffee about her life and my future and what i want to do and what i'm doing now...

and it was just really good to be there and tell this woman that i plan on really making a difference somewhere. i plan on CREATING an occupation that not only fits me, but benefits others greatly. with our world advancing constantly in the technology and science and medical fields i can't bare to see us forget about our humanity. forget about our souls and our relentless desire to connect with one another. i mean HERE WE ARE. not HERE I AM. this humanity thing is definitely a "we". i don't care how selfish or reclusive one might be. people draw to people. and i KNOW there's a way to make heads and tales of our connections. and it might be up to me to find the way. so be it!

when i told this woman tonight that i wanted to do something with interpersonal communication where i could help people understand PEOPLE.. who THEY are, who I am, who YOU are... we don't have to agree or like eachother, but if we at least understand, maybe we can accept.. and so iw as telling her this plus other things of the sort.. and she said to me, well what kind of job would work for what you want to do ? and i responded.. well, whatever job i make for myself. because what i want to be isn't out there conventionally. it just isn't. but i have big fricking plans. i have plans to make things work for US, not just me or you. contact me in 10 years. ask me what actions i ended up taking. i tell you all the wonderful results.

remember the movie The First Wives Club?... imagine something like that... but not angry wives... day to day people... who could be doing and living and experiencing so much MORE. but somewhere along the line, they gave in to the regular life and gave up on giving and doing more.


i'm realizing more everyday that it's true what they say... the more we put into life, the more we get out. we GAIN what we earn. what we work for and put forth the efforts to make happen. and really, there is nothing like working really hard for something you believe in and seeing successful results smile back at you.

we also gain every ounce of negativity we spew about us. we gain pessimism and sour attitudes and apathy and anger and resntment. we blame others for our lack of fulfillment and satisfaction. and what do we gain? a transient speck of empty laughs or smiles responding, "catch me if you can... i won't be here long"... because those laughs at our negative jokes are unwanted. those smiles and our crude remarks are out of pitty.

i've gained a lot over the years.. even from, espcially from the hardships i've faced. (and yes, we all face them).. and i really think from everything... i've gained the most out of the things i put the most into. and that really is the bottom line. even if that meant investing my heart into someone and them breaking it. i invested deeply... and i gained more than i would have ever thought in the end.


just think... what do i want in life? what do i want in life? what do i want in life? what do i want in life?

you want money? you want to play basketball? you want to teach? you want to sing? you want do paint or do accounting or travel the world or speak 10 languages or shoot guns? what do you want to do??

do it! but just know.. that when you incorporate what it is that you love doing, with something that other people can enjoy and benefit from also... that love, that joy... is shared. and really, nothing exceeds being on top of the world.. and not being there alone.. because when you're standing there beaming with happiness, and you look to your side and see that so is he or so is she... you know your smile can't help but grow.


what we gain from our brokenhearts is the opportunity to love ourselves more. what we gain from our loved ones unhappiness is the knowledge to not make their mistakes. what we gain from our dreams not coming true is an outlet to discover new ones. in every mishap lies a chance to discover new sights. don't close your eyes. there's just too much to see.

rach