i've been careless.. yet acted with care.
why is it that we celebrate meaningful accomplishments or monumental happenings in our lives with a substance that creates the reverse effect? i drink, in fact, got pretty trashed last night in celebration of kathleen's graduation. but i mean really, i just thought i'd bring to light the irony in the whole thing. what are we doing?
i think my real concern has nothing to do with drinking for celebration. hell, it's nice. i think my real concern is with the fact that last night i did stupid things while intoxicated. really stupid things. and it's bugging the shit out of me now.
lately i haven't been able to express myself in words because everything is so secretive in my god damn life right now and i just don't like it! i'm OPEN and free and easy to read and guh! this isn't fun. but really, it's not even about that... (i keep contradicting myself.. or not saying what i mean).. basically... i haven't been thinking. i haven't been using my god damn brain to make good and beneficial and smart decisions.
i've been careless.. yet acted with care. if that makes sense.
i just need to get through this struggle right now. and start doing some good deeds because i have really been doing some bad ones. in fact, two of the same bad deed in the past week.
yes, i have catholic guilt- and i'm a jew. so i suppose that would make it jewish guilt. either way, i just feel bad.
so now, i am deciding to no longer act irrationally. because i don't want to just sit here and complain. yeah. well. i'm off. to finish my last week of high school. and move on. and die from doing stupid things.
i can't even blame alcohol.. because half of these stupid events i've been sober. wonderful.
gah. i can just hear my dad scolding me with the, "you're really not making wise decisions, rachael. it's your life. fuck it up if you want to." yeah.
to many of you, my experiences might be nothing. as in.. not bad on the scale of bad. but really.. we all have our own scales.. and i personally feel like shit for all of my scales i've gotten off balance in recent past.
jodi just said to me italianchic311: okay... in christianity, i feel like this would be one of the times you "ask god for forgiveness"...but leaving the god part out, you have to be able to forgive yourself
haha.. kind of funny. but also true. yeah. oh that note. i need to go to bed early tonight.
posted by Rachael @ 22.5.05
2 comments
2 Comments:
it's really good that you've got scales, as much as they're tearing you apart right now with imbalance, they're like... part of you and thats important. its kind of like you crashed a car and you got wrecked.. so now you have to sit in a hospital for a while til you heal... so being in the hospital sucks cause they forget to fluff your pillows and you get bloody noses and... they watch GOLDEN GIRLS on the TV!
you get the idea, so you will have to endure and do what you have to do til you can get up and fluff your own goddamn pillows and get the heck outta that hospital and out of wreckless experiences that lead you there.
well.. i know you'll make it out, i'll do what i can to push that balance back to it's place, but most of it'll be on you to do that! (hence the suckiness)
i hope you enjoyed reading this comment rach, even if i am the only person who comments everr. i feel like a comment-a-holic or somethin! yeah... i'm going to sleep. last night was really fun singing by the fire, before things got more complicated. i love you rach! you're doing well to be facing it all, whether you feel like you're choosing to face it or it's slapping you in the face.. the same affect is achieved.. lots of crying, lots of icecream, lots of getting super long messages from your friends about how beautiful and amazing you are.
yes, i love you, and you're still part of my family. you rock, i love youuu, rachael is the coolest person in the world.
in the movie 28 days... they guy said to the girl "you are not what you've done" and he accepted her, and it was beautiful. you are so much more than those decisions. this comment is neverending cause i feel like writing about how much you've changed my life in ways no one else could have and how we're gonna change the world with every day, and take time to look at stars and feel small and drink wine but not too much and love other ppl in healthy ways.. it's all out there waiting to be experienced, yeah i'm talking about GOODNESS. goodnight rach.
Wow, by the way you write I thought you were in your late twenties early thirties and then I noticed you're just finishing highschool.
And look, Jodi isn't the only one posting comments on your blog anymore ;-)
All the best to the both of you.
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