i'm just trying to evolve

uht oh.. i have homework i should really be doing.. and i'm sick and tired.. and it's a group thing.. and uht oh.. the blog is still approaching.. uht oh.. .uht oh... ohh.. it's here! (kinda like an orgasim)

alright, so i haven't written in a while because i've been swamped in busy-ness. the good kind of busy for the most part. but damn am i exhausted. and sick.

senior prom was just perfect. i ended up going with jodi, kathleen, judy and mike. small, intimate and couldn't have meant more. i'd write all about it, but i'd rather just skip to the end.. when kathleen's dad made us an awesome camp fire and pitched a super tent and we sat out and talked and looked up and the beautiful sky and made up priceless-one-night-only-lyrics to a song that no longer exists, and laughed, and cried and snuggled, and froze and woke up to strawberries and sun and kathleen's parents warm southern hospitality and bacon. and i just loved it. and the whole thing just made me realize even more how meaningful each moment with these amazing people in my life really is.


after prom, during the about 15 minutes i had to relax on mother's day, i'm pretty sure i broke down. i told my parents that i don't want to go to college. that i want to do all of the "one day"s that never get done.. all of the little things that we say we're going to do or try, but don't. i want some time to myself to just experience life rather than defer everything for school. and i really don't think there's anything wrong with that. but the problem is, the experiences i'm talking about, so many of them happen by chance without planning or preparation.. but by being with the right people in the right place at the right time. and so much of that time, place, people factor is alligned through school.

ah, see lately i've been stuck arguing with myself over whether or not our lives are in our hands. and i most certainly think they are when it comes to what we do.. that we make our lives into what we want them to be (within certain parameters).. but it just seems that every second we can't be making concious decisions about 'hmm what am i doing right now and is it exactly what i should be doing?' (and i mean should be in terms of what we feel or know to be "best" for ourselves at the moment) i like to tell myself that it's all in our control.. that way i'll try to control it for the best.. but i'm not sure i believe myself.. and i definitely don't do a great job controlling things, no matter how hard i might try.

...i've just felt like i'm on the verge of something.. on the verge of myself i guess.. and maybe this summer will be just enough time to feel like i've gathered things together (for the most part).. or maybe it won't. but it's like what jodi was saying in her blog... i just don't want to feel afraid to do something different. and i really think that the more we act on our intuitions, the easier it becomes to continue following our own paths. whether or not we're making concious decisions. so i suppose what i'm saying is maybe if i just live, everything will work out.

"and i am trying to evolve
i'm just trying to evolve
so i walk like i'm on a mission
cuz that's the way i groove
i got more and more to do
i got less and less to prove
it took me too long to realize
that i don't take good pictures
cuz i have the kind of beauty
that moves" -ani difranco, evolve


mr. bill is leaving mobil. wednesday is his last day. i'll cry for sure. what monumental changes are dancing about.

i'd just like to feel comfortable with my uncertainties. because they're not going anywhere anytime soon, that's for sure.

well i'm sick with a fever and everything else.. so i'm off to finish english homework. my mind has been tredding water lately just trying to keep up.. i'm hoping soon i can relax and sort through all of the things i mentioned and failed to mention. have a wonderful week.