sighhhh

alright, there's no more telling myself that i'll just go to HCC in the fall. that's not happening. i'm not downing HCC, but damnit, it's not for me. I can't wait to get out of highschool to meet new and interesting and intellectually stimulating people. and i'm really just not the type to "oh well" a situation and settle for poop. so, if i still don't get into UMD or Northeastern in the fall, I'm going to Upitt. and that's settled. and if i want to transfer to northeastern from there for the spring semester, so be it, i will.

i really needed to decide that.. because this whole college thing has subconsciously been taking over my attitude. i've just felt down lately and i think a big part of it is feeling like i'm "not good enough" for some damn school. which in reality, doesn't really mean crap. but in the larger reality of my mind, it does. because the bottom line is i want to go some place where i feel i'll be happy. and hcc is not that place for me. and it just makes me sad to see all of my friends excited about going off to some wonderful school that they really wanted to go to and me being like.. uhh, yeah... college? it shouldn't be a college? it should be a college!.. and i'm fricking smart and mature and just not someone who should stay home for the first semester of college.. i can hardly take being home now! ahh. so yeah. and the fact that i'm shitting on school this quarter just makes it worse. just makes me feel like i'm even more retarted. when i'm really just not motivated right now. mother frikcing frickerhy.,dgj.

thank you for listening to me vent. i thought this would make me feel better, but somehow it's leading me to no where but more frusterated emotions.

AND.. i'm in a god damn MAZE of a relationship right now. and i can't help but love it and hate it and want to embrace it and push it away all at once. guh!


so, i'm just going to wait god damn tables and hopfully not fuck up. that optimism isn't smiling right now. it's crooked and confused and feeling like crap.

but, i don't want to let my life just go down the drain because of this. i need to stay up. i can't let everything i do suffer... even though this isn't some small matter. it's all working out, right?

right???