i've never been good at plotting some intricate plan with a climactic result/realization. i've had to learn almost everything i know through trial and error... something obtainable. which is odd considering so much of what i see/the way i think is elusive. but perhaps that stands true for most people.. learning through trial & error.. and others trails are just larger or different or smaller..... someone continue this thought for me... i'd like good discussion on the topic.

the times that i feel most stagnant are those in which i am trying nothing new.. which makes perfect sense.. maybe the real reason i'm writing this is because i'm trying to evoke some sort of realization when there's just nothing to grasp.

tonight someone asked me if i had a boyfriend. i answered "no"... they asked, "why not?" I said, "good question"...but really i just didn't feel like explaining the same answer to another random person. i've been asking myself that question for..forever.. and i always come around to the same answer of.. oh there's just no one i'm that in to.. no one i really want to date, etc. and sometimes, like earlier tonight, the question seems trite.. like the answer has already been determined and would another person please NOT ask me, thanks........ but really, is any answer ever set in stone? is that really why i don't have a boyfriend? well on the surface, yeah, of course.. but i mean, i know pleantly of amazing guys who i really admire, respect, have fun with etc.. but nope, don't seem to want anything to do with them in a relationship. oh the confusions of having nothing to fuss over.

i'm going to greece on friday.. that's in 3 very short days... and really, i don't even know how to express how thankful i am for an opportunity like this. it really is just.. crazy.
i went to my bubby's house last night and she gave me 300$. yeah. just felt generous. i really didn't know what to do, how to respond. i cried. hahah.. i felt like my dad, he always cries when people give him really generous gifts. and before we went to bubby's house, my mom brother and i visited my aunt mary (my mom's 85 year old aunt who's more of a mother to her than her mother) and she has really bad emphazima. it was really sad, we walked her to her bed and helped her up onto it and she basically had a lung-attack (i apologize for my lack of any intelligent medical terms, oh well).. but yeah.. i wanted to cry (again) it was just really sad to watch... i was looking at her through her dresser mirror and something about the frame of the mirror acting as a picture frame reminded me of an image of a new born baby's body rising and falling to the pump of it's lungs. it was a beautiful and saddening sight. it made me feel thankful for my youth and even more thankful for the elderly people who are so close to my heart and still living.

well it seems like it's been a long night and it's only 8:00.. i think i'll catch some reading and probably fall asleep.
there's a long long longgg list of things i "should" do... but right now, i don't really want to do any of them.. i just want to hop on a plane to greece and forget all my responsibilities. yes, this is me running away. my grades are going to be horrible this quarter. and i really don't feel that bad about it. so that makes it a whole lot easier to upset my parents. haha. oh well..

thanks for reading this load of tired jibber jabber.

OH! dear god, if you have not heard the new bright eyes CD, please get your hands on a copy of it.. I'm Wide Awake, It's Morning.... so fricking good.

i went running today. it was beautiful outside. i want to know where i'm gonna go to school next year. goodnight lovlies.