relationships?
so we all know my long, eventful, involved relationship history (sense the sarcasm?.. it's only half appropriate.. ANYWAY) this is probably going to be needless worry, but nevertheless.. i can't get to my point, mainly because i confuse myself sometimes. like right now.
gather thoughts, rach. okay.
basically, if i do ever let myself get close enough to someone of the opposite sex and it ends in demise, i hope that it happens while i'm young so i don't spend my entire life in a relationship that ruins my positive spirit in exchange for a conformed and accepted lifestyle. Yeah, that's what i want to say. i mean, damnit, so many adults are unhappy with their marriages (for example, my parents) and i just don't want that to be me. I don't want to end up 50 odd years old, two kids just graduating high school, 2o some years of a relationship and my LIFE behind me, only to finally admit to myself how unhappy i've been. and for what? "for the kids"? "to pay the bills"? wouldn't the kids benefit a lot more from being around parents who are HAPPY rather than fighting and depressed? i mean, isn't there a lot more to offer to a person when you've got yourself together and are doing good things for your life? when you come home excited and passionate about being alive? sigh. i love my parents for the wonderful individuals that they are. i'm thankful that i can step outside the roll of "daughter" and just try to be friends... but i cry when i think of how much time my friends have wasted being in such an unfulfilling state.
sometimes i tell myself that i don't want to be with a person who pays me too much attention.. i want to have to ask for it. but here my mother is asking for so much as my father to go out to dinner with her, and even that is too much to ask of him. so obveously i don't want that. ahhh. the thing is that i enjoy my life... i enjoy being single.. i enjoy having nothing/no one tie me down... and maybe that's only because i've seen how destructive a realtionship can be. not to say all relationships are destructive.. but it's all i've really ever known. so yeah, i don't want to fall victim to that.. ever. since i was like 6 years old i sat up in my bed and wished that i would end up with someone who i love, not hate. i mean, is that kinda sick? i don't know. what's even sick now adays?
i dunno, so sure, i'm afraid. not so afraid that i won't take any chances... but i'll be damned if i live the life my parents have lived. if it does happen to me, i hope one day i look back on this stupid blog and laugh at myself and cry to myself.. because damnit. just damnit. i know i know, it's life, it's the way it is for some people to live unhappy lives... but why in god's name do we become apathetic to our own well beings? i mean holy fricking frick! if we can't care about ourselves who can we care about? how can we live? i really won't ever understand that. so i suppose i won't end up that way. because i'm afraid i'm just too damn concerned to let myself just die inside!
okay.. so that's enough of that. let the chips fall as they may.
i bought wonderful new music today and i'm going to go dig in.
i also bought a terribly sexy prom dress. and i'm dateless. how curious.
i'm glad i got this all out. fondly, rach
posted by Rachael @ 7.3.05
6 comments
6 Comments:
The answer as I see it:
Sometimes you love someone so much that you put their well-being above your own. To care for someone more than yourself. That's what love is, to be quite frank.
Hmm, this relates to the "selfless act" conversation. Take note.
And in the case of two parents staying together "for the sake of the kids", divorce has a big effect on kids. Possibly bigger than most situations that result from "staying together for the kids".
great post rach.
but damn tim, i really get everything you say. and it's very well said. you complete rachael's post very well.
both of you, keep it up
ah yes tim, i understand putting someone elses well being before your own... but when no one's benefiting, i don't see it as logical. if my parents had divorced, sure i wouldn't be who i am.. so i can't say i wish that they had... but i've literally been put in the middle of a dysfunctional relationship my whole life, and i really can't say that it would have been worse if my parents had divorced. who knows. all i know is if two people are unhappy to the point that they're spreading negative energy All The Time, I don't see how a positive environment can be present. and i mean, this isn't just my pondering the situation. this is first hand experience speaking.
yeah.. blah blah valhahalh
i don't exactly know what love is. i know what amazing friendship is. i know what appreciating life is. i know what really believing in and understanding a person is.
i know that when i try to "love" (relationship-wise) i have a very hard time letting anything pass as a "success". so we shall see.
thanks for talking...through means of a sick new form of communication that i obveously fall victim to. that's for another post. peace.
Oh, and i don't think that a person should let themselves die inside for their failing "love" for another person. Wouldn't that be like suicide or suffering with out a cause?
(now is when you rebut with all the causes..ha)
yeah rach i've noticed that you get close to people and then quickly move on to being alone and you're perfectly happy
i guess right now isnt the time for you to have a relationship like that
so anyways. i agree with your observations.
-paigey
do you yet have a prom date? i wanna go. i wanna wear one of those kool vintage t's with the tux like printed on it, with some great pants and then show all the hipsters what it's like to really dance, and then swing you about like some crazy freddie prinze jr. movie climax or somethin. anyway about the relationship thing, i think you prolly do it the right way, which is the only way to do it in my opinion, to surrender to it and believe, yet keep your sense of self and live in mutual cherishment. the pain of seperation no matter how hard, for me is always secondary to the reward of knowing someone and caring for them well. anyway, as the julie delpy character says in 'before sunrise', 'isn't everything we do really just a way to be loved?'
~daniel lee
Post a Comment
<< Home