tonight i'll let you see me cry.

i don't know how other people function... but when i'm really sad, really torn, really hurt by something/one... i get afraid to admit how much agony i'm in. i become ashamed of my sadness, so i try to play it off as something like anger... as if anger isn't something to be ashamed of.
you know, our society mocks sadness. we call sad kids "emo" as if it's bad... but we don't mock anger... because we can't mock it.. too many of us resort to it... we take the easy road by letting ourselves deal with pain through anger instead of letting ourselves be sad, admitting our sorrows and broken hearts and fears... We yell, and mock, and complain.. all the while opressing our truths of sadness. because to be sad is to be weak.. but to be angry, well damn, that takes strenght! i'm sorry, but i just don't agree with that.. even if i've fallen victim to it.. angrer is for cowards afraid to deal with their own miseries.. and maybe that's been me before, but right now, i just don't have the strength to lie to myself and say i'm angry, when frankly i'm sad.

I am sad that i did not participate in my last spring musical with micayla. and i am sad to the point that i am crying. the past 3 years every spring has been spent laughing back stage, slacking on learning lines, mooning people in the dressing room, gagagaing, being frusterated with the show being a mess, pulling the show together, getting that rush - that feeling of unity with a group of assorted people, listening to the seniors say something to the rest of the cast, taking a final bow and feeling relieved and sad at the same time, performing for my friends and family...but not this year. and i am truly sad because of it. i feel empty. i feel at loss. because i loved those times... they were and have been so much a part of me and my youth... and this was supposed to be the last of them.. and i chose not to do it. i chose not to take the last opportunity that i had. and i don't know if it was wrong or right that i did that, but it does make me cry. (yeah, if you know me well, you know that i tend to tear up often..)

i love micayla so much. there is just no one on this earth that i have shared the kind of friendship that has developed between her and i. there's nothing like crying in front of her parents and knowing that they're hurting to see me hurt, because they treat me like i'm they're daughter. there's nothing like walking her home only to have her dad walk me home. there's nothing like her dog peeing on my foot. there's nothing like my dog hating her. there's nothing like doing her makeup. there's nothing like dying her hair. there's nothing like "gagaga"ing. there's nothing like barking at freshmen together. there's nothing like dancing with her. there's nothing like singing with her. there's nothing like knowing how much a part of my life this girl has been since forever. there's just nothing like this friendship. and there used to be nothing like putting on these shows together...and being "micayla and rachael" "rai and kay"... "the crazy ones in the play". so i love you micayla.. and right now i can't be strong enough to know how to say something optimistic.

you know, spring time rolls around and you can taste the new beginnings in the air... but even more, you can taste all the endings. and spring to me, really defines "bittersweet". the rain pours down, yet it brings the blossoms. i always laugh at how much i cry during the spring time. but you know, i gotta do what i gotta do. and this spring, there's gonna be a lot of rain pouring down.

thanks for reading this. i expect these posts may start to get a little sappy. i don't really want to hear mockery, because frankly, it's not easy being sad. so you can send me some love, some hope, some inspiration. but i don't think i can really handle being made fun of for being honest.

i love you guys.