much to learn

as you can/have probably learned about me through reading this blog and/or actually being part of my life, i have trouble sitting still. (hence the name of this blog). but i mean the term sitting still in both a literal and figurative sense.

i suppose when i was talking to my friend today and he told me that i try to control my life, it hit me in a weird way.

i am productive when i feel it a necessity. and "productivity" seems necessary to me when it's dealing with my life in terms of relationships with others, or emotions within myself. really, all other things that most people find as priorities really don't stand out in my life. and obveously relationships and emotions are always changing.. therefore, there are always things to be taken care of.

i'm probably not making complete sense.. but i'm still trying to get this said.

so i've always kind of looked at myself as someone who goes with the flow, not very uptight about things, relaxed, etc.. but i think today i realized that stands true for all things outside myself. i can go with the flow as long as it's not directly affecting me. but once it does, uht-oh.. no can do. problem. alert.

for instance, relationships and i = disaster. why? i probably want to know exactly what's going to happen where when and why just to be safe. just to ensure that some ass hole doesn't break my heart. or just to be sure i don't end up in some relationship/trap that i don't want to be in... like every decision is final. i can't just let it be and see where it goes. not saying i'd be paranoid about single actions or everyday things.. but yes, paranoid about whether or not the situation was "right"... like that's something that can just be determined and known. ? it's not.

also, i think i'm just afraid of attachments. because lately i've been pretty destructive... even though i don;'t know where i'm going to college, i know that i'm not going to be with my friends. and just the other day, i was like giving jodi an attitude about something.. basically as a subconscious way to push her away so i wouldn't feel as hurt when we seperate.

okay: two things are sick right now. 1-that i do what i do. 2-that i analyze myself doing them.

it would be really nice if through experiences, or maybe through all of this thought i could learn how to just accept things in my life for what they are. i accept things in life for what they are all the time. i laugh at them and enjoy them or empathize or whatever.. but in my own life i have the hardest time just letting things be.

like i always feel i need to fix things in my life to make them "ideal". and then once i've accomplished that, i need to create something else or find something else to work on. i'm a fixer in every sense of the word... but you can't go through life trying to fix every relationship you're in.. because really, that's just creating a problem!

so yeah. i don't know where this is leading to.. i just know that i have a lot to learn. and much to experience. and i guess i'm worried that i'll end up wasting so much of my time trying to fix everything... but this is just who i am right now, and just what i have to go trhough to get to whatever's next. i'm just living, damnit! and i'm definitely over-analyzing my life. but that's the way that i am. so if you read this and think, 'just stop thinking so much!' that's not going to work, i've tried.


hmm. yeah. but it would be interesting to hear some new voices. maybe some outside opinion would be beneficial. feel free to comment.