rising to today

the past years have been so valuable in too many ways to speak. i've gained such a great sense of self, such a great sense of friendship, and love, and heartbreak, and devotion and so many other virtues both beautiful and hard. and lately espcially, i've been struggling with a situation that has fed me both excitment and pain, joy and tears, bliss and sorrow.. and i'm really.. learning from it all.

i don't know what i wrote two or three days ago.. but i'm sure i'll contradict myself 100%.. and really, that's okay. because contradictions show that the mind has different compontents and they care enough to argue with one another. so yeah..

i've been attached for two years to someone i don't need. and not only do i not need him, but it's a hindrence for me to involve and invest myself in him. because for every moment i spend devoting my heart and enabling an unsatisfying dream to take life, i lose everything. i lose myself and my future and my possibilities and my ability to be open to new people. i lose today!

and i want to say thank you kathleen, jodi, micayla.. for investing yourselves in me. for caring enough to try to talk sense into me. for respecting my decisions even if you haven't agreed with them. for wanting to understand even though it's been wrong. i'm just so thankful to have you guys in my life. and i can't say that in a way that shows how much i mean it. i know it's been hard for you guys to sit back and let me make decisions you disagree with.. but i appreciate every word and every caution and every.. everything. i love you guys.

but what i was saying... is that when i went to kathleens house for her to paint a portrait of me today.. and we ended up sitting on her bedroom floor talking.. and the light beamed through the window landing on the carpet.. and the air was alive with the scent of summer.. and the undeniable truth screamed "look at what wonders are lying ahead!".. i realized that i just can't hold on to this dream any longer. no matter how real it's become. because look at what i'd be giving up.

there are so many amazing fricking things to live for and to experience and to dive into.. and yes, at one point in my life i thought this was one of them.. but two years ago when this all started, i needed it there..it was one of them. he filled the whole. he fit the description. as "wrong" as it was, it was right for me. it made sense. and now... it really does make sense to move forward. i mean, i can't even grasp all of the aspirations and great plans i have for the near future.... just in terms of doing good things and living important causes. and to have this extra.. stress.. whether the day is up or down.. ultimately, it's in the way. i'm just ready for a clean slate. for an open mind and heart and self. it's just that time in my life.

and you know, it's funny.. because i would have expected for myself to be more affected and emotional with graduating and potentially leaving and etc etc.. but for some reason, i'm not. and i think that reason lies in the fact that i'm just ready. i'm ready and excited and eager. and everyone who's in my life right now is important and significant enough to remain regardless of time or place. and everyone else.. i've already left behind. and i know that sounds sad or crass or careless.. but it's the truth. i used to hold on to everyone and everything because i just found something to love in everyone.. and i still appreciate people for who they are and their differences etc.. but i've learned who and what really mean that much to me. and those people aren't going anywhere.

this blog might be.. risky? but it is what it is. i am who i am. no one comments anyway. haha..

i don't mean that i won't miss people or that i won't be sad or that i don't care about people who aren't my closest friends... i certainly do. and i certainly will. i've just learned to take it all in stride.

have a good night. mine has been... awakening.