the events just keep on turning
what a cycle. guard up! give in! guard up! give in! (i'm learning how to step away from the cycle completely and just start something new... or trying to learn how)
anyway, micayla's at her IUP orientation and kathleen just got back from her UNH one (she loved it, which is so wonderful). all of these changes keep hitting like a title wave without any force big enough to stop them. i'm okay with that. (i can't really not be, now can i?)
see the thing is, patience is the hardest virtue for me to work with. i'm horribly (and wonderfully) confrontational with everything because i like solutions and answers and results as soon as possible. i think just the way i've grown up with arguments and chaos and yelling as a main event, i kind of evolved into the little peacemaker. and when things feel tumultuous in my life, i go into fixer mode, and have to find whatever "solution" i can.
and so what is really cool and challenging about going to Towson in the fall is that i can't just "solve" having the defer Northeastern for a semester. I just have to wait it out. and deal with it. and let time and life take its course. the situation is out of my hands. and i only can control my attitude.
and i realized that moving on from this fella is the same thing. i can't just say, "okay rachael. today you are going to get over him and leave him and forget about it all together--forever!" i just have to be moving in the right direction...moving toward new beginnings until eventually let him become an old ending. and i just have to know it'll take time. and be hard sometimes. but i can still do it.
sometimes i'm too compassionate for my own good and i find myself defending the assumed "enemy". i just don't see people as enemies, though. espcially not ones whose life story i've heard and experiences i've shared and who i've exchanged dreams with and understood. but when it comes down to it, i've got to put all that aside. there are so many amazing people who i have wonderful relationships with who aren't detremental to my well being or taxing on my mind and heart. so yeah.
this is me sorting out my mind on paper for you to read and respond to if you so please.
work tonight was cool. i hostessed outside. it was beautiful weather. relaxing.
i'm off to read myself to sleep.
come to my gradparty on friday starting at 6pm. my house! if you're reading this you're most certainly invited. don't be shy now. :) lots of food and music and dancing and laughter (so i hope) peace
posted by Rachael @ 15.6.05
3 comments
3 Comments:
thanks for being so honest all the time, rach. it's really brave and i think it's a good thing, though a vulnerable place to be, it's worth lots. i'm really learning that like... we all have to have our own experiences, and they are so important as to who we are and who we're becoming; and i completely support your development of discovering and learning to live with who you are. that, and working to develop myself. we sure aren't perfect ppl, in times like these ani difranco is usually a good place to turn, but sometimes getting through silence is just as important; not distracting ourselves from whatever it is we gotta face. that was meant to be more metaphorical than literal, listening to music isn't necessarily a distractor. anywayy, i love you! can't wait to celebrate YOU tomorrow at your party. you rock so much.
love, jo
your just so beautiful rachael, with everything you say and do.. i love you so much ~ and if i had the world, id give it to you, because you have opened me to a whole new world.
love,
mic
You keep on surprising me in the sense that we think alike on so many levels. I know it sounds stupid to post this as a comment though, but I'm doing it anyway.
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