ahhh! growing up! (and out and away!)

so i got home from senior week this afternoon.. and man, let me tell you, it was crazy. full of drinks and laughter and maryjane, and deaf people, and the beach (of course), and jodi's beautiful music, and idiots passed out everywhere, and a degree of healthy infidelity, and some loss of innocence we could say...and i had a damn good time. however, after 5 consequtive nights of being intoxicated, i did basically die. haha. and the last night i managed to redeem any mishap that had occured in a weeks time with the greatest night being sober. (it was funny how happy i was to be sober).. ha. anyway. i came up with a butt load of writing, and also dealt with a lot of crap that's been on my plate.

you know, i'd like to just be completely open with the things that are going on in my life. and just put them here for people to read, and understand the decisions i make and my reactions to mishap. because if i've learned anything in my life, anything at all... it's that i'm here for more than myself. i really want, more than anything, to be able to advance our humanity, our lives, with what we want and need. (compassion, love, nurishment, understanding.) call me a god damn hippie... it's more than that though. it's having ambition and a fight inside of you that's fighting for something amazing. and recognizing it. and not being afraid to say, "i can do big things!".... cause it really is scary, to acknowledge how much control you have and how much you can do... because once you make the acknowledgement, if you don't live up to yourself, you're just letting yourself down. it's so much easier to just say, "oh, i'm satisfied doing small things."... because once you take that first step, you feel how gratifying it is..and you can't imagine continuing on a path that's doing so much for others and yourself simultaniously.

but here i am. trying to put my finger on what exactly the amazing thing will be that i do. because i know it's just in me. i know it's in me to do more, and be more, and give more, and love more. and i know that i have to be big. because i know that i can be. and that's it.

there's a lot more that i want (and need) to post about my mother and about how i've been learning that this life really is becomming mine completely and about not feeling regretful and about religion. but i just called clyde's and i have work tomorrow in cafe 1 which means ill be there an hour early cutting lemons. 9am. god damn those fricking lemons.



this blog might begin to serve new purpose. i'll revise it when i get home tomorrow and fill you in on a possible new set up. stay posted.

it's good to be home.

home. what a concept.

goodnight.


(first night not sleeping in an intoxicated, orgy environment... not sure how i feel about it. haha)