all the things we think we want.

a year ago i couldn't tell you how many things i was wishing for or going after or aspiring to become. but i can tell you that a lot of things didn't happen the way i thought they would have, or hoped they would have. (for one, my heart was set on northeastern/boston and clearly, that didn't happen... ) but it's all worked out just fine. and now i'm fine. and now, part of me says "okay, i don't want boston anymore. i want this. i want what i have."

i've been stressing out lately cause i've got piles upon piles of school work to do and i feel like not only do i have to do it all.. but i have to kick all of it in the ass and master this realm of academics i'm in. but the truth is... i don't have to. it's great to learn, and it's good to work hard, and it's good to try your best, and it's good to challenge yourself. but this school work isn't a life or death situation. and neither was boston. and 2 weeks from now this will all be over and my bags will be packed and i'll be moving out and on to new places and faces. and a grade is a grade... but if we tear down our mental health, or let ourselves become nasty over whatever we're letting "stress us out" then what happens to our well being? what happens to the people around us who are part of our every day lives? how do we treat the people we love when we're stressed about stupid things?

there are a lot of things that i get my heart set on... and once i decide i want something, there's no stopping me from at least trying to get it. or be it. or do it.

i guess that's why i know i'll be "successful"... because i'll end up getting/doing/being whatever really matters to me in life. whatever i really want and really find meaningful and important... i know i'll get. i know i'll find away.


but basically, i'm here to admit that right now i'm lacking a lot of faith in myself. ( i know, i just contradicted what i said two seconds ago.. ) but there have been a lot of let downs... from things in my own life like boston or a speech or a grade or whatever.. that i really thought i deserved, but didn't get... to things in the lives around me like not the greatest marriages or poor ways of treating the people you love. and with a lot of let down, sometimes it's hard to have faith that everything can and will work out the way you'd like it to.. i know i'm a strong person and i know i'm capable of so much.. but i also know that i have no control over the outcome of so many things. and i get scared when i think about that. scared and insecure and worried shitless that the things i have my heart set on more than anything (like brian, or the coffeehouse) might end up the same way... out of my hands no matter how hard i try. and then like old dreams they'll be things of the past that just didn't work out? i'll ending up "wanting" or settling for whatever i have once what i really wanted is gone?

well, i don't want that. i want more. i want something better. i want a happy ending, damnit. but i guess there are a lot of things we think we want. until they don't come true.


the end?