just live your authenticity.

seems like everyone's an actor
or they're an actor's best friend
I wonder what was wrong to begin with
that they should all have to pretend
we lost sight of everything
when we have to keep checking our backs
I think we should all just smile
come clean
and relax
if there's anything I've learned
all these years on my own
it's how to find my own way there
and how to find my own way back home
-ani difranco "anticipate"... such an amazing artist.

lately i feel as though life has been shown to me rather than me just seeing it. Many people perfer the laughter caused by comedians, or the tears caused by dramas... but it seems to me that whenever someone is trying to make me laugh or cry, it just doesn't work. Don't get me wrong.. there's definitely beauty and talent in actors/actresses... but it just seems so unauthentic. It seems like a shield to the truth and reality of what is. And i mean, that's exactly what it is. What i'm saying is not that there's shame in acting or using theatre as a means of expression... but when a life is lived by acting rather than being, i don't see how success can ever actually be achieved. Perhaps that's what drives so many actors... the reward of acting is fleeting.. you get your applause, your compliment, your occasional flowers... but then you have to wait until the next performance to prove yourself once again. It's always about proving the abilities that you have rather than just being and implementing who you actually arel. It's a tought part to play, to say the least (no pun intended).. But perhaps for the actor it would be even tougher to put down the mask, the get away, the escape from themselves that others applaud them for... because then what would they recieve? applause for being who they are? who are they? they are inspired to be actors because their individual state was not fulfilling enough. there is reason that one reaches outside of themself to become something else... the reason isn't always that they are not good enough.. the reason could very well be that they want to challenge who they are and what they're capable of portraying.. but to me, the only person that i want to portray is myself. i could still be trying to figure out exactly how that's done and maybe that's why i don't desire to act anymore.. but maybe i just think that's a better battle to fight. who am i... rather than who can i pretend to be.
just thoughts.