days have been dizzy in so many ways lately. high and then low. exciting and then boring. inviting and then scary. ultimately though, i've been pretty relaxed with whatever situations i've been in. now that i'm away "on my own" it's like i have no one to deal with but myself, and it's lifted such a weight. my parents are home either fighting or getting along, and it's not on me to deal with whatever their current state may be... and as much as i miss my friends, their stresses were always my stresses. they still are, but it's not as easy to be that involved when we're so far from one another.

so here i am. here i am! here i am? i've had a lot of time to look into mySELF lately. i'm dating a guy named brian. awesome person, fun to be around, great to talk to, intelligent.. just about meets every standard i've ever had for a guy. i was really excited for a while, because if you know me, you'll know that i basically have a dating disorder. for whatever reasons, i always seem to push guys away. in the past, i usually had pretty "good"reasons, too. haha.. for instance, "not liking this or that about this person or that person". who knows if they were "valid" but they were mine. and my friends supported my decisions. and i felt comfortable not needing any kind of relationship.
anyway, so i wasn't doing this with brian. i wasn't trying to find some reason to push him away because there just wasn't one! and the thing is... there still isn't! there's no reason to push away a great person who i really like, trust, and enjoy being around.

why then, rach, are you getting that overwhelming anxiety inside again? hmmm? why? i really don't know. but i do know that there's a reason and it's not him. and it's not my parents. and it's not anything but ME. there is no scapegoat to blame or friend to run to... there is only myself to look inside of and find some better answers than running away or pushing away. so i'm going to. i'm going to talk to the people at the mental health center (that's what i call the place.. haha, i dont know the real name) and schedule some appointments to talk to a psychologist. i mean hell -- it's free and beneficial to my LIFE and self and soul. and i care about myself enough to want to be able to be in a relationship with a person i like without.. ruining it. so yeah. that's what i'm going for.

italianchic311: you just have to believe in some long-term goodness and give up the easy escape
(this is what i miss about having my friends around)
((at the same time, i'm being forced to figure this shit out without them))

i was talking to brian today about having expectations for things. honestly, my whole life i have had negative expectations for love and relationships in general. i didn't understand how they worked or believed that they could. and oftentimes, we as people don't believe things until we see them.. we want empirical truths rather than just idealized hopes. and so many times, relationships have proven to fail right before my eyes. but i can't shoot down the experiment before i've even gone through the motions. espcially with someone who's so worth a try. so yeah.
i think it's espcially hard when we have comfortable solutions that aren't necessarily creating positive outcomes. we're comfortable with tragedy. we're used to heart break. i know i am. it was so easy for me to be in a extremely non-beneficial affair for two years of my life because my expectations were negative and i filled them. but i felt love through negativity.. so how do we feel love through positivity?? we have to start expecting it. and that's what i'm trying to do.

i feel like being here at towson really is working out for the best. things aren't so high key that i've gotten lost in every-day-living. it's been good not having too much going on because it really has given me the chance to look at myself more. this year is going to be great. i know i'm going to learn more about who i am just by being on my own.. and learning how to be with someone else who is wonderful.



ah, with all that said, send some encouragement my way. i want to believe in not just love or lust, but in true commitment and the idea of a functional and healthy relationship that has gotten so lost in our world of heartbreak, dishonesty and mistrust. the greatest loves are possible and do exist. if you have a story to share about successful love/relationships, please.. share share share! they're not heard enough. espcially not by my ears.