some artsy fartsy

walking into the past

...and still living in the present.

Somehow, we learn to do both at once. Probably because when we walk into our past through pictures, or old places, or old people, time still moves forward like always, despite the nostalgic aura.

I was glad to be out of high school today when I went to the HC football game/parade. It was nice seeing some familiar faces and smiles, and feeling welcomed by some great people... but I just don't miss it at all. If high school consisted of only the great people you meet and the great moments you share, maybe I'd have felt a little less careless today. But so much of high school seemed tainted by the inescapable boxes and steriotypes and silly things that kept us seperated or judging.

Eh, but I don't want to complain about high school. It's great in a certain light... and I'm not going to say I didn't love it. Only that I don't miss it. Or maybe more appropriately.. I've definitely grown out of it. And that's natural.

I espcially enjoyed seeing Paigey poo today.. (just throwing that in there)... and Rasa, which is sort of ironic. muahaha.


It's just great knowing that more than ever, I have the opportunity to just LIVE on my own and independently decide what I do with my life. It feels good. Damn good.


And I'm writing this mainly because I'm waiting for Micayla to get here and I'm sitting in my house with nothing to do but think about how different and the same our lives are now. It's all not necessary to type though. These types of things are meant for experiencing.

Have a lovely evening.

an entertaining idea.

have you ever been looking in the mirror maybe practicing a speech, doing your hair, seeing how you look before you go out... and had to stop to do a double take of who you really are? what i mean is when you're looking in the mirror, you see someone, but it's as if your mind and thoughts are detached from the image of what you see... it's as if that image could not possibly represent all of the thoughts revolving around that make up and define you as a person. and you kind of have to touch your face to prove to yourself in some humanly fashion that the image you see is real and exists and is whoever you are according to the laws of science we hold to be true.

this happens to me sometimes, and when it did today i felt lucky to be in my dorm, close to my computer where i could maybe capture this experience and ask if others have had the same.

while really taking the time to try and understand this process of misconception, a thought entered my mind and i decided to entertain the idea: perhaps when these moments occur, i am seeing myself from an alternate stance, time, or place in which i have existed. perhaps part of me who has existed or is currently existing in a different shape, form, or body.. for just an instant had the chance to look through these set of eyes at what this form of me is portrayed as. and in that instant, i am confused. that "other" form of me is confused, associating a different image of myself than what i had known to be true, and the "current" form of me is confused, being taken over and almost captured from something outside of reality.

this idea obveously introduces a belief of either reincarnation or multiple realities existing at once (parallel universes), sharing some universal or larger soul. i thought i'd entertain the thought.

anyone ever have this happen to them?

how many wives live to watch their husbands die?

He's resting in Peace.

Do we only pay attention to the elderly when it's their birthday or they die?

My bubby's (yiddish for grandmother) husband died around 1:30 am last night. Izadore Cohen, better known as Iz, not "Izzy"... he hated "Izzy". He was the most generous man I had ever met, and always wore red suspenders and a smug face. They were both widowed and fell in love about 6 years ago, and were married within months.

I can't stop asking myself what things I never took the time to ask Iz. I keep wondering all of the things that someone with 60 years of age on me knows that I just can't possibly have the wisdom to know. I can't help but want to take some time to sit down and ask more questions to the ones who have lived before me.

But I know I know, we're a firsthand race. We want to explore and discover for ourselves. We want to live to the fullest. We want to be innovative.. but man, I just know there have got to be some things that should be passed down from one generation to the next. Yeah, we are the shapers of this world. But I just don't know how much should be left in the past.


Some elderly people are abnormally special... going out of their way to pass their words on. Like Mr. Bill and my Aunt Mary.. and I really really am thankful for their wisdom and courage. But what about those who don't go out of the way? What has become of them besides a burden on the young and healthy? Is that all we become if we don't remind people that we exist? Once we get to a certain age, do we have to make even more of an effort to be paid a certain attention? And shouldn't it be the other way around? I mean, the surface view might say that in the past those standards stood, and the elderly were so respected and acknowledged. But I wonder if that's true... If the young haven't always ran off with their idealized hopes and dreams, and if not forgetting the importance of those before them, merely tried their best to remember it... not actually believe and live by some truth that our elders are our first priority. And if it really was different in the past, what's happening to us now? And where will things be when we get to be that age?

So what's the answer? Is it only during birthdays or death that we really acknowledge the existence of some elders? Of course not all situations will be the same, and much like all of society, some people for any given reason never get the attention they deserve. (By attention I'm implying things such as love, friendship, compainionship, respect, etc)... Because everyone deserves those things... But from my observations anyway, it seems as though the older you get, the less people you have by your side. Your friends begin to pass away, and soon your spouse.. and you're left with your children and theirs... and what happens? Do you become a society of the shrivelled and unimportant bodies and minds taken care of by people who really just want to live their own lives?

I'll miss Iz. And I'm mourning for my Bubby. and that's about all I know right now.

a moment of reflection

do we lose all of the moments that slip through time without getting typed up or jotted down? wizzing through space, meaningful events fall at my feet, and just as fast, fly away. only making time to sort through confusion or pain or sadness, good news is rarely heard. and i'm guilty of my own accusation (we usually are), to not make time to really sort through joy or pleasure or excitement or love. even in this moment, the reason to slow down and reflect exists because i'm unsure and somewhat worried and full of emotion i don't understand. it's as though all of the positive and wonderful things that have happened in the past week have somehow hid in a room of unimportance now that confusion and wonder has knocked on the door.

right now, more than investigating why or how i'm feeling the way i do, i just want to take the time to write it down. get it out. let it exist outside of myself somehow.

now it all seems so much clearer.. the reason why i love to write. writing, putting it on paper, or a screen, or someplace other than my mind doesn't merely give it life outside of my mind... but allows my mind to look at it from the outside, from another perspective, from a less involved view... allowing me to look in on it, as though i'm actually a bystander rather than participant. letting me investigate from a much less bias point of view than my own. much like travelling to another country, our stance becomes much more global once we have ventured away from home base, from our own minds and confines, and taken a look from the outside in.

and with all of this said, i still have yet to write what i mean and say how i feel. sometimes, i'm just not ready to venture away yet... sometimes i have to sit at home until my mind and body screams that i need to get out of the house. i'm still lounging on the couch, just waiting for the moment to come when i break, when i have to leave my emotions and go some place new. but until then, i don't want this moment to just fly free and be forgotten. it's weird though, that this moment means nothing. and it's the moments that mean the most that i don't find the time for. it's when i finally decide to make myself walk out the front door, that i don't carry a pen and paper with me, to record why or what gave me that extra push.

it all works out just fine though. like an evolution of events.. a manifestation of time is held within us, regardless of what there is to show or prove that all the grand adventures ever existed. somehow, we carry them with us. somehow, even if we cannot remember a single detail, they're never really forgotten.

beautiful, ey?

"head over feet"

yeah, i'm quoting alanis. why? because she's awesome. i always told myself that if ever i found a guy i really liked, alanis morrissette's "head over feet" would be a great theme song. mainly for the following:
"i've never felt this healthy before
i've never wanted something rational
i am aware now
i am aware now"

yes, simple. simply perfect for me. haha. and yeah... brian's a pretty damn cool kid. and it really is... wonderful how normal i feel. i feel like a normal person! capable of a great relationship! yes! hooray! i feel very lucky.

anyway, i'll admit it. i've been a bad blogger of late. but so it goes.. i've been busy with lots. and still am. when i started this blog it was never for the purpose of keeping others updated with my daily life, but rather meaningful events. and i've had a lot that i'd love to sit down and share with the blogger world, but time has moved too fast for even that much. i am confident that you're finding you fill in other places, if not your own life.

something that really takes the time to express life's delicacy: daniel lee's new cd. check it out at danielleemusic.com ... it's worth the purchase. he's so wonderful. he even referenced "dream deferred" by langston hughs (which i had coincidentally published on my blog a few weeks ago) you out there D? i'd like to get coffee if your time ever let's a moment slip in for a frizzy friend!

jodi will be home tonight around midnight.. you can imagine how excited i am. kat was home last weekend and it was so wonderful to be together.


i feel so blessed to be given this time of growth and change and experience. to finally be "on my own", enriching my mind, expanding my heart, filling my dreams. every day flashes by so quickly, but without an empty second. it's incredible and so beautiful. i'm really on the brink of a great way of living. i'd like to put it into words and just share all of the experiences that have been shaping this cycle. maybe when it's become more habitual i'll pin how and why it's working so well.

leave some art if you have some to share. i'd love love love to be your audience.

live well. rach