why i love the rain (in short)

when it begins to rain my insides overwhelm with the belief that something so torrential and powerful has decided to bless us with its presence and drown us in eternity. rain exists for so much more than to upset our hair, or mood, or ends of our pants; it exists to continuously prove the inescapable cycle of life. drops hit my face as i look up and feel engulfed in gratitude to be part of the ever lasting.

my first day of acting 101.

silence is a room full of noise yet not a soul speaking
with white walls and restless paws of anxiety
eyes hide their curiosity behind a mask of uncomfortability
and a clock ticks precious togetherness into an irrevocable past
excitement lies in fidgeting feet, echoing every untaken step
fear, not so relieved in sighs of apprehension
then suddenly...
a burst of blue decides to introduce words from lips and a hand that shakes sound to life!
and the dear strife of uncomfortable silence
whispers itself away. . .

thankfulness

i decided that to help allieviate this sense of.. whatever, sadness... i'm going to write down the things i'm thankful for every day. call it what you may..

so today i'm thankful for eating breakfast that my parents are paying for and the opportunity that i have waiting before me to LEARN LEARN LEARN. (yay, learning's fun.) anddd for the experiences i've already had with project serve that really allowed me to help others who need it.


((don't worry, i'm not going to write on HERE what i'm thankful for every day. that's for mi JUICY journal.))

yall have a wonderful day. i'm going to eat breakfast. and enjoy the rain.

rach

"everything's not lost"

it's been hard to feel like myself the past few days. in a school so large with no one that i know is on the same page, i really do feel lost in a way. i've met a lot of people.. all of them nice and interesting... but i guess these things take time. one girl from project serve seems really cool.. i've been hanging out with her a lot.. and the woman who led the community service project i did is really understanding and compassionate. i went in to talk to her yesterday because i was just feeling so overwhelmed. i'm glad i had/have someone i know i can go talk to if i need to. haha, i'll probably be there a lot.

it's just weird/hard because at home, the person who i am was constantly being reaffirmed and encouraged, and now i'm here alone... really on my own to figure out how i can reaffirm/encourage myself. and it's a challenge for sure.

the other weird thing is when people from home (jo, kat, my mom.. whoever lol) encourage me i feel even more sad.. like i can't do it on my own, or like i'm depending on them from a far.

i think i really just need to stay true to who i am inside and let it shine. let people get to know me for me. i gotta find a little more love from inside myself towards myself and just know that everything is and will continue to be working out.

we went to a men's homeless shelter one morning for project serve. we helped to prepare their lunch and clean up around the shelter some. the whole day grabbed my interest so much because the shelter constantly advocated that "God is always the same".. it was such a powerful source of hope for these me who's lives had been so tumultuous and full of unknowns.

i think about God and spirituality a lot.. so many late night conversations were spent with that topic at hand.. and in the past few days i haven't been able to stop wondering how my itty bitty soul relates to something much much bigger. after the whole project serve was over, the group went out to dinner to celebrate kind of.. and talking to a few girls, i realized that i have this burning desire inside to explore a spiritual journey.. find answers to some of the questions bouncing around in my mind. maybe us humans aren't as strong on our own as i thought we were, and we need something bigger and constant like friendships or love from god to keep us feeling supported. or maybe i just don't have it together inside myself yet.

we shall see.

"God is a concept by which we measure our pain." -John Lennon


i love you guys, and miss those of you who are oh so close to my heart. like coldplay says, "everything's not lost"... it's really not. life, in it's messy and disasterous form, is here for us to understand that in it's confusion, a coexistance of complex beauty overrides what we mistake for horror.
love.

in honor of bukowski and yuri (style-wise)

going away to college


my mother kissed me on the cheek
put her arms around me
and said,
"it's your last night sleeping
in your room...
but you'll be back"

a lump formed in my throat

will i be back?

yes, in two weeks
to go to Texas
for my cousin's Bat Mitzvah

surly, sometime then
i will cuddle up under the warm covers
of my comfortable
safe bed
and sleep again
in my room.

my room is my sanctuary

i've been packing my room little by little in the past few days... i started early because i knew it would take me a long time. not because everything i have to pack.. but because i'm apprehensive about packing.

i started packing up my desk. and then i realized that i'm going to take things off my walls. and then i started crying. these walls have been like a manifestation of ME! haha.. ahh...


so this morning i woke up and decided that i'm going to just pack up and go. take with me what i am and what expresses that. and leave this room behind. bring myself someplace new.

as a tribute to the piece of art i've lived in for however long:










adios, dear room.

my favorite faces

our lives get packed away into cardboard boxes and rubbermaid containers, and soon we're crying, squeezing each other as hard as we possibly can, thinking that maybe if we hold on tight enough, none of the irreplacable experiences we've shared will slip away with time and space. maybe we'll be able to take every little bit we've learned with us, every stupid act we've committed, every difference we've made in someone elses life.. just everything that runs so deeply through our souls and encourages/inspires us to continue on.

i used to send e-mails out to all of my friends when i was in middle school with passages that started something like that and then miraculously turned around into some optimistic yet bitter sweet lesson about life.

tonight i don't have the energy to do it. nor do i feel like finding it.


since i started this blog, i've had people mention to me something i wrote that they had read or just mention that they read my blog.. people who i just never knew read this. if you're one of those people.. or just anyone..someone who i've stopped talking to, someone who i barely know, someone who i've known forever.. tonight i could really use some words of love. you can post anonymous. but i'm asking for some thoughtful words.. about anything. i want to know how people are living.

i leave for school the 23rd. until then i'll be packing my room up, and taking care of any/all unfinished business i can find. i don't want to leave with things untied.


there are so many things i want to say to so many people.. and there's no way i'll get them all said. that's okay... but yeah, it's the time to say the things we want to say.


i already miss kathleen's kitchen and mom.

it's all meant so much that this lump in my throat just won't subside.

a light glows above our souls
as we express eternity
by sitting together in place
filling so much space
in such simple measures
and i am overwhelmed
by the strangeness of my feelings
by the strangeness of feeling

green grass blades in normalcy
stroon across beds of brown
we're just hanging around
and i finally see that we fit right in
under the light
night after night after night
with so much out of sight
but somehow in our reach
and i am honestly frightened
by the unavoidable chord of emotion
that plays in no particular direction
above such normal grass

i find my eyes
praying on the hands
that strum love into the air
and hum honest, gentle care
an atmosphere that simply exists
because we create the bliss of life
and god, it brings my heart strife
to have no destination
no soul to seek
no captured bottle of beauty
to wear around my neck
close to my heart, always

this drug rises in the air
without giving bystanders a fair chance
to run before they fall
and suddenly we're all trapped together
under a light that fools the weather man
(he wouldn't understand
that sometimes we create our own forecast)

tonight it's pouring dry tension
sweet and light like a beautiful white wine
that won't seem to get me drunk
and i just wish that it would rain
so i could actually feel something
that hits

the grasshoppers hum a tune not so tense
compared to the sparse seconds of silence that fill any free space
while leaving it just as empty

without the key to the house of habits where silence is expected
and unable to rely on unbreakable, but bearable assumptions
they are trapped with everywhere to go

a desperate call of help reaches the other line
"help, we're locked out of our anguish
and it's only causing us more"

with a tired smirk of sympathy
frankenstein comes to free his creator
rather than deem retaliation

relieved to return to an acceptable agony
one brought on by their own free will
sir sinks into his recliner
and lady, her couch
accompanied by the sacred television
that never fails, for inside here
the programs are on a schedule
and every silence is planned
and purposeful

an explanation could be helpful

so that last little poem i just spit out in a few minutes.. and i don't really know if i'm saying what i mean, or if i'm just plopping it all into some artistic little crap. haha but yeah.

i want to dive into more things without such hesitation and apprehension. for example, i want to open myself up to dating. sounds silly. haha. so silly that i really do laugh. because i get along great with people. and i LOVE people. and i love the concept of sharing life and beauty and experiences with others.. but the truth is, the possibility of actually being happy in a serious, long-term relationship with a guy seems so unreal to me, that i don't test the opportunity at all. and i've psycho-analyzed myself enough to know why i don't want to date. i'm afraid of being in a relationship like my parents. i'm afraid shitless of being unhappy with another person, so much that i refuse to be unhappy with another person. so i don't even try it if it seems like it would lend to being unhappy at all.
funny/interesting/amazing/wonderful/WEIRD thing is, in the past two weeks my parents have been getting along, as in making each other laugh, for the first time in my entire life. not like that.. undoes the damage, persay, but it does add a twist to the equation.
but anyway, i just want to move forward from my past and step out of my damn habitual inclination to not allow myself emotional investment in a guy, and just be more light hearted about it all.

i was thinking in the car tonight about the concept that older people who follow their dreams when they're young, whether they "achieve" them or not, are always happier as older people... and i just realized that since i was little, my biggest dream really was to fall in love. as young and hopeless as that sounds, it's the truth. and with every endeavor i pursue, i'm almost denying myself of my true hopes... covering up my deepest wishes with other things to acclaim myself for achieving.
i have a lot of big "goals" and feats i dream of accomplishing for humanity... but right now, i think i've been avoiding my dearest dreams for myself because i've been afraid. and honestly, that's just not what i want to do.

explore more! this dear little mind
begs this heart the inhibition to find
the scream, the plead, the necessity
from within
to act, laugh, grieve, plead

please, dear darling
who are we startling?
with our monotone reactions
and simple distractions
from the harsh hardships we try to ignore
from the extreme beauties we dare not implore
of one another
of life

strife! this dear little heart
cries this mind the courage to start
searching for compassion
un-answered-for reasoning
and a gaze with more meaning to the pain
than a bruise or mark it leaves
because our eyes were made to see in front
and our minds were made to look within

so many days i can't find where to begin
with all the world's mess and all of it's best
battling out right before us
the trouble comes
when i forget this battle's not one
for winning or losing
but more, for choosing
how to see each other for what we are
how to see how far we've come from our start
and where we each wish to go

i don't think i know
the rhyme to the world
the twist to the swirl
the kink to the girl
but without inquisition
i've got no beginning
and i'm tired of having
no where to start

it had nothing to do with you
nothing to do with the level of
conversation
darling, we both know
we both know how
conversation comes and goes
through rows of swinging doors
and likes to take hold
when shared with another elderly soul

so we found solace in speaking
softly, our hearts aligning
slowly, realizing
surly, it had nothing to do with us
yet, nothing seemed so important
as where we stood
together

so alone, standing there
savoring the bond
of separation
keeping us connected
it had nothing to do with me
the inclination, the speeding
desire to revel through the wires
of my mind
it had nothing to do with me
nothing to do with me
when there's nothing to do
with me, you'll see
you'll see
that it had nothing to do with me

hand in hand, lying
on the grasses of eternity
staring into somber stars
looking through old glass jars
mars stopped trying to hide
it's life from us
and suddenly we saw it all
together, testing
the validity of our sight
asking, "might this be real?"
it had nothing to do with us
the glimpses of truth
we were able to steal
from a world so surreal

it had nothing to do with us
it was what they call luck
when two people can lie
hand and hand
alone
and be shown
something new
that proves both how right and wrong
we've always been
and pulls the witnesses from within
toward each other

it had nothing to do with you
and everything to do with who
or what
pushed through
to open the door

i set up an account for iTunes, and let's just say it's dangerous.

maybe i should look into a free music downloader that won't mess my computer up. suggestions? i tried Oink. and then i had to re-install my entire mac. so yeah.. haha, other suggestions?