i've never been good at plotting some intricate plan with a climactic result/realization. i've had to learn almost everything i know through trial and error... something obtainable. which is odd considering so much of what i see/the way i think is elusive. but perhaps that stands true for most people.. learning through trial & error.. and others trails are just larger or different or smaller..... someone continue this thought for me... i'd like good discussion on the topic.

the times that i feel most stagnant are those in which i am trying nothing new.. which makes perfect sense.. maybe the real reason i'm writing this is because i'm trying to evoke some sort of realization when there's just nothing to grasp.

tonight someone asked me if i had a boyfriend. i answered "no"... they asked, "why not?" I said, "good question"...but really i just didn't feel like explaining the same answer to another random person. i've been asking myself that question for..forever.. and i always come around to the same answer of.. oh there's just no one i'm that in to.. no one i really want to date, etc. and sometimes, like earlier tonight, the question seems trite.. like the answer has already been determined and would another person please NOT ask me, thanks........ but really, is any answer ever set in stone? is that really why i don't have a boyfriend? well on the surface, yeah, of course.. but i mean, i know pleantly of amazing guys who i really admire, respect, have fun with etc.. but nope, don't seem to want anything to do with them in a relationship. oh the confusions of having nothing to fuss over.

i'm going to greece on friday.. that's in 3 very short days... and really, i don't even know how to express how thankful i am for an opportunity like this. it really is just.. crazy.
i went to my bubby's house last night and she gave me 300$. yeah. just felt generous. i really didn't know what to do, how to respond. i cried. hahah.. i felt like my dad, he always cries when people give him really generous gifts. and before we went to bubby's house, my mom brother and i visited my aunt mary (my mom's 85 year old aunt who's more of a mother to her than her mother) and she has really bad emphazima. it was really sad, we walked her to her bed and helped her up onto it and she basically had a lung-attack (i apologize for my lack of any intelligent medical terms, oh well).. but yeah.. i wanted to cry (again) it was just really sad to watch... i was looking at her through her dresser mirror and something about the frame of the mirror acting as a picture frame reminded me of an image of a new born baby's body rising and falling to the pump of it's lungs. it was a beautiful and saddening sight. it made me feel thankful for my youth and even more thankful for the elderly people who are so close to my heart and still living.

well it seems like it's been a long night and it's only 8:00.. i think i'll catch some reading and probably fall asleep.
there's a long long longgg list of things i "should" do... but right now, i don't really want to do any of them.. i just want to hop on a plane to greece and forget all my responsibilities. yes, this is me running away. my grades are going to be horrible this quarter. and i really don't feel that bad about it. so that makes it a whole lot easier to upset my parents. haha. oh well..

thanks for reading this load of tired jibber jabber.

OH! dear god, if you have not heard the new bright eyes CD, please get your hands on a copy of it.. I'm Wide Awake, It's Morning.... so fricking good.

i went running today. it was beautiful outside. i want to know where i'm gonna go to school next year. goodnight lovlies.

Lit Mag Arts Festival!!!

ATTN ALL!:
i am so excited to announce that Friday April 22 the Literary Magazine will be sponsering atholton's first ever Arts Festival! What will this "arts festival" entail? Welllllllllll..... the event will be run much like the former FBLA Coffeehouse... with live music (guitarists, local bands, etc etc...), some poetry reading, and coffee & goodies.... however, we are going to encourage more participation from all forms of art. IE short film, monologues, magic??? haha.. however you express yourself. We're also going to be displaying a lot of the art work that was submitted to lit mag and possibly enlarging poetry to poster-size and displaying that too...

Also, instead of cramming 200 people into the senior cafeteria.. we're hosting the show outside in the senior court yard!! (the U shaped section of grass that's engulfed by the school) and Mackechnie knows a lighting guy that's going to light the entire area for a super low cost (basically make different sections of the court yard look different colors) it's going to look so great. he had a senior leu-ow in the courtyard when my brother was a senior and the atmosphere was splendified!

we're planning on putting the stage/performers in one of the perpendicular corners so students can sit on blankets/benches/whatever the hell we have branching out from the corner.... and then the coffee and goodies will be on one end and on the other leg of the U we're going to show a silent black & white classic movie on the wall. it is going to be amazingly stupendous! i mean REALLY..

so ANYWAY, now that you've read how exciting the set-up sounds... let me know if you're interested in helping make it happen! that means perform, mic/sound, set up, decorate, food, everything, anything! the litmag staff is obveously helping... butttt the more hands the merrier.

all performers are limited to 2 acts inclusive of ones done with partners. bands are limited to 3 songs. there are exceptions if you're performing things other than music... ie poetry, monologue, etc...so feel free to bombard me with questions/excitment/enthusiasm/idiocy... whatever method works for you. ha.

YAY!

and if the sky rains so will my eyes. for all the non-poetic people: i'll cry.

tell me if you're as excited as i am. haha. peace loveeersssss.

trip up

you stay out of my reach
well i don't really blame you
you know they say
the things you love
cause an equal and opposite
reaction
so you react to the pain
when i don't know how to be you
when i don't know how to be
anything but honest
when i call you out on your submission
to some mission
that doesn't support your true cause
but as long as you can own
your lack of will
to really feel fulfilled
as long as that fulfills you
i'm okay with being out of your reach

sometimes you see both sides
and don't care about what's justified
you just want to feel

but i'll empathize and understand
that you're content in quick sand
cause everyone knows
even a helping hand
isn't enough to fetch the already fallen

what helpless submission
to the holding, the kissing
i love the way you see
the beauty in simplicity
but simplicity is far from me

and sometimes i see both sides
and don't care about what's justified
i just want to feel

emotions are chaotic
"you silly girl, you
stop feeling, just be"
i'm sorry
that's jut not the human in me

see most of the time i see both sides
but i don't care about what's justified
i accept the good with the bad
the angelic with the evil
and the strong with the feeble
and if a deeper emotion is not what you seek
that's really okay with me
maybe it doesn't make you out of my reach
maybe i don't want to reach for you
maybe we shouldn't be reaching
for such intricate preaching
maybe we should just accept what is
and be

oh you clever boy, you
i've stopped
but not at your doorstep
be happy.

"thoughts are free"

here it is folks.. the rant about online thoughts! how shall i organize myself? or will i? here it goes....

first of all, concering the sincerity of blogging (i'll refer to all online-journaling as blogging since it's my method... how american of me, speak my language! anyway) i've been reading through more online journals than usual and it seems that many come up with the question of how sincere their words become, how valid they are, once it's apparent that they're free for anyone to read. and i think the truth of the matter is, weather it's making your blog available for all to read or making yourself available for all to hear, once anyone is put in front of an audiance of any size, their actions/words/thoughts change. and it's inevitable. even if it's slight.

(small tangent before i get to my point..) think about when you're in a grocery store picking out apples and another person walks up to the same stand to pick out apples also... automatically your mind goes on alert: "Caution: Living person at 3 o'clock"... it just happens! and your body shifts and you hurry to pick out your apples and you get on your way. why the unease? because you know that once another person is in your presence, they can do everything that you can do... see, hear, smell..etc. the funny thing is that the majority of the time, they're simply feeling the same unease as you are, while neither person is really the least bit concerned about acting on their senses to judge, rather they're worried about being judged. (you can always disagree with this theory... i go back in forth with most of my theories anyway)

so ANYWAY, what i want to say is... the BEAUTY of blogging is that it's done in solitude. there's no one walking up beside you to make your body shift and have you hurry on your way... (minus family-interruptions... and at that point my body does shift and i do hurry on my way) this could all just be my perspective on the matter... but regardless, i just think that if nothing else, blogging gives a person a true voice. because often times, people have a lot to say and have a really hard time saying it outloud/in front of people. Or they don't have the opportunity to "get out" everything they want to get out... so even if no one reads what they write, the concept that their words are out there for the world to read if the world cares to read them opens the doors to their mind and let's others in. unity seems to be desirable, hence the popularity of these blogs... regardless of how "secretive" some may be.

On the flip side, in some ways i see blogs as a hindrence to true human interaction. because at some point, you won't be reading the screen of a computer, you'll be looking into the eyes of a person... and it will be expected that some kind of normalcy exists. but how can "normal" human interaction stay intact if they are not practiced? OR will they be valued more when they happen, making all face-to-face interactions greater? OR could they allow for people to more easily SPEAK what's on their mind because they have that freedom to do so on the web? i think it could go many ways, and in fact does go many ways. ultimately, here i am writing in my dear blog.

i like the damn thing... for all of the positives listed above. i dislike it just the same for all the negatives. and as mike would mock me for, i appreciate it for provoking thought.

my hands are always cold while typing. i have poor blood circulation.

GREECE MEETING TONIGHT!!!! i will be broke soon. YAY!

quick thought

what's the deal with expectations? feeling like another person owes you something like an explination? sometimes i don't know if i have the right to ask for one or not... and sometimes i just expect a person would give me one, cause if i were them i would. but i guess there comes a point when you no longer are that much a part of a person's life and someone else is.. and that person who used to feel the urge to explain themselves to you, no longer has that urge. yeah? perhaps. so i guess at that point, you learn to release what you've already let go of and truly move on.
it's a weird thing to do when you're not feeling bitter or hurt or sad... you're just moving on and the emotions are kind of.. apathetic. for me, apathy is strange. haha.

i haven't done my homework in a long time. and it feels like i haven't gone to school for a while either.. hmmm, maybe i should get on top of that.

ahhhh.. really awesome people work at clyde's. yesssss. come out thurs-saturday for the St. Patrick's day extraviganza! bagpipes and all! it's gonna be sweet.

night poopies.

when i grow up i want to be a...

I stayed home from school today without my parents knowing. i'm a rebel when i need to be.

So as I was organizing my life (needing to organize was the reason I stayed home) I kept thinking about what kind of job I could have when I "grow up" that wouldn't entail 9-5 mon-fri. cause honestly, i'm just not a 9-5 mon-fri type gal. I was thinking about what Jodi's mom used to do, the whole Myer's Briggs seminars... basically giving people a deeper understanding of who they are and who their co-workers are so they can be more successful as a group. I think that kind of thing is really cool. But I was thinking how much high school students could benefit from that type of thing... some kind of pre-college seminar that helps kids figure out what they want to do with their lives and how they can be successful and still be THEMSELVES. i know there are little tests we take online and other assorted things and half the time kids responses are, "this is totally off.. i would never want to do these things". But i think it would be good to put a change to all that. to really offer guidance to kids and really encourage people to find jobs that fit who they are. cause granted, not everyone needs guidance in that regard, but a lot of people do. and not just guidance.. but real encouragment. just one idea.

I just think the idea of helping people figure themselves out is cool.. because it seems to me that the better a person knows themself, their capabilities, and their goals, the happier they are as a person. And for me, it would be fulfilling to know that i've helped other people live happier lives.
I mean, in school we learn about subjects, and through everything, we end up learning about ourselves, orginization, etc etc.. but i mean, no one's really teaching us how to live a better life. that's for us to figure out. our friends and parents help if we're lucky.. i just think it would be good to have a better program where people can just go and talk about how they can improve their lives for themselves... because people want to. people want to live better lives.. and everyone has a different goal that would fulfill them. so yeah.

alright, i'm off to the bank and errands and blah blah.. then working tonight as a hostess. waiting tables is stressful. lol.. hopfully i'll get better. what an interesting weekend.

by the way, the musical rocked. i'm really proud of you guys.

later lovlies.

coming to terms

alright, so last night after i wrote that extensive blog, i went upstairs and tucked myself in under my covers, and i just thought about everything i was feeling. i decided to logically reason why i was feeling sad and what i could do to feel better. (can you believe it?) and it worked.. it really did. i realized that the reason why i haven't been sad to be graduating, haven't been sad to be finishing highschool, haven't been sad to be moving away.. is because this whole past year or so i've been living through changes and new experiences. although my friends have remained pretty constant, almost every weekend we do something we've never done before. and i mean to me, that's awesome.
so last night, it made sense that i was getting so emotional over not being in the play.. because through all the changes and growing and new experiences.. that was still always something that remained constant. but the truth is, i chose not to do it because i had grown out of it in this setting... and because i got shafted lol. so i mean, it wasn't what i wanted to do 100%.. but it worked out. and yeah, it's sad that i didn't have that experience one last time... but through this i've learned that whatever experiences i really want in life, i've got to be the one to make them happen for myself. and that's that.
once again, thanks for listening. and maybe these posts won't be so sappy after all.. who knows, i can't predict the weather of my mind. haha.. good day.

tonight i'll let you see me cry.

i don't know how other people function... but when i'm really sad, really torn, really hurt by something/one... i get afraid to admit how much agony i'm in. i become ashamed of my sadness, so i try to play it off as something like anger... as if anger isn't something to be ashamed of.
you know, our society mocks sadness. we call sad kids "emo" as if it's bad... but we don't mock anger... because we can't mock it.. too many of us resort to it... we take the easy road by letting ourselves deal with pain through anger instead of letting ourselves be sad, admitting our sorrows and broken hearts and fears... We yell, and mock, and complain.. all the while opressing our truths of sadness. because to be sad is to be weak.. but to be angry, well damn, that takes strenght! i'm sorry, but i just don't agree with that.. even if i've fallen victim to it.. angrer is for cowards afraid to deal with their own miseries.. and maybe that's been me before, but right now, i just don't have the strength to lie to myself and say i'm angry, when frankly i'm sad.

I am sad that i did not participate in my last spring musical with micayla. and i am sad to the point that i am crying. the past 3 years every spring has been spent laughing back stage, slacking on learning lines, mooning people in the dressing room, gagagaing, being frusterated with the show being a mess, pulling the show together, getting that rush - that feeling of unity with a group of assorted people, listening to the seniors say something to the rest of the cast, taking a final bow and feeling relieved and sad at the same time, performing for my friends and family...but not this year. and i am truly sad because of it. i feel empty. i feel at loss. because i loved those times... they were and have been so much a part of me and my youth... and this was supposed to be the last of them.. and i chose not to do it. i chose not to take the last opportunity that i had. and i don't know if it was wrong or right that i did that, but it does make me cry. (yeah, if you know me well, you know that i tend to tear up often..)

i love micayla so much. there is just no one on this earth that i have shared the kind of friendship that has developed between her and i. there's nothing like crying in front of her parents and knowing that they're hurting to see me hurt, because they treat me like i'm they're daughter. there's nothing like walking her home only to have her dad walk me home. there's nothing like her dog peeing on my foot. there's nothing like my dog hating her. there's nothing like doing her makeup. there's nothing like dying her hair. there's nothing like "gagaga"ing. there's nothing like barking at freshmen together. there's nothing like dancing with her. there's nothing like singing with her. there's nothing like knowing how much a part of my life this girl has been since forever. there's just nothing like this friendship. and there used to be nothing like putting on these shows together...and being "micayla and rachael" "rai and kay"... "the crazy ones in the play". so i love you micayla.. and right now i can't be strong enough to know how to say something optimistic.

you know, spring time rolls around and you can taste the new beginnings in the air... but even more, you can taste all the endings. and spring to me, really defines "bittersweet". the rain pours down, yet it brings the blossoms. i always laugh at how much i cry during the spring time. but you know, i gotta do what i gotta do. and this spring, there's gonna be a lot of rain pouring down.

thanks for reading this. i expect these posts may start to get a little sappy. i don't really want to hear mockery, because frankly, it's not easy being sad. so you can send me some love, some hope, some inspiration. but i don't think i can really handle being made fun of for being honest.

i love you guys.

relationships?

so we all know my long, eventful, involved relationship history (sense the sarcasm?.. it's only half appropriate.. ANYWAY) this is probably going to be needless worry, but nevertheless.. i can't get to my point, mainly because i confuse myself sometimes. like right now.

gather thoughts, rach. okay.

basically, if i do ever let myself get close enough to someone of the opposite sex and it ends in demise, i hope that it happens while i'm young so i don't spend my entire life in a relationship that ruins my positive spirit in exchange for a conformed and accepted lifestyle. Yeah, that's what i want to say. i mean, damnit, so many adults are unhappy with their marriages (for example, my parents) and i just don't want that to be me. I don't want to end up 50 odd years old, two kids just graduating high school, 2o some years of a relationship and my LIFE behind me, only to finally admit to myself how unhappy i've been. and for what? "for the kids"? "to pay the bills"? wouldn't the kids benefit a lot more from being around parents who are HAPPY rather than fighting and depressed? i mean, isn't there a lot more to offer to a person when you've got yourself together and are doing good things for your life? when you come home excited and passionate about being alive? sigh. i love my parents for the wonderful individuals that they are. i'm thankful that i can step outside the roll of "daughter" and just try to be friends... but i cry when i think of how much time my friends have wasted being in such an unfulfilling state.

sometimes i tell myself that i don't want to be with a person who pays me too much attention.. i want to have to ask for it. but here my mother is asking for so much as my father to go out to dinner with her, and even that is too much to ask of him. so obveously i don't want that. ahhh. the thing is that i enjoy my life... i enjoy being single.. i enjoy having nothing/no one tie me down... and maybe that's only because i've seen how destructive a realtionship can be. not to say all relationships are destructive.. but it's all i've really ever known. so yeah, i don't want to fall victim to that.. ever. since i was like 6 years old i sat up in my bed and wished that i would end up with someone who i love, not hate. i mean, is that kinda sick? i don't know. what's even sick now adays?

i dunno, so sure, i'm afraid. not so afraid that i won't take any chances... but i'll be damned if i live the life my parents have lived. if it does happen to me, i hope one day i look back on this stupid blog and laugh at myself and cry to myself.. because damnit. just damnit. i know i know, it's life, it's the way it is for some people to live unhappy lives... but why in god's name do we become apathetic to our own well beings? i mean holy fricking frick! if we can't care about ourselves who can we care about? how can we live? i really won't ever understand that. so i suppose i won't end up that way. because i'm afraid i'm just too damn concerned to let myself just die inside!

okay.. so that's enough of that. let the chips fall as they may.

i bought wonderful new music today and i'm going to go dig in.

i also bought a terribly sexy prom dress. and i'm dateless. how curious.

i'm glad i got this all out. fondly, rach

Are you going to "blog" that, Rach? -Mike

Why not... You know how it goes, sitting in some room full of strangers... loud music, funky smells... and you just get the undying urge to WRITE! (alright, maybe i'm one of the few)... But that happened last night, once again... and here's the product that was written on the back of some art gallary flyer:

We all sound a little bit louder on Friday nights
and it all smells a little more smokey when we're crowded under lights
and the floor shakes
and our pulses pound
and every note is a little bit sounder
when we gather around and dress ourselves down
to comfort

I'll ask you tonight under these smokey skies
if you can see "the light"
the truth that is true
because you cannot undo
the thoughts of others

I can barly hear my own thoughts tonight
and I will never know if they're wrong or if they're right
But once I sort through my mind
it's only mine to define
this life, these lines, these times and rhymes

The dictionary is my friend
So when I define I can align
myself with others
I just want to experience one another
I just want to discover
eachother
And if i've got to define
to be able to find
and understand this room of strangers
then I don't see definitions as a danger
or a box or a hole
where we place people into molds
that aren't really who they are...

No, see these definitions are bridges
communicators, beginnings
that allow us to align
through the thoughts and feelings we define
in words

It's a falling Friday night
and the sight is a room
without a moon
but a bluesy kind of sound
and people who are found
in the undefined rhymes of eachother

And we're all a little more sound
hangin' around
on this free falling Friday night.


Inspired by the uninhibited environment of College Perk Coffee House... just to exemplify the kind of commonplace activity done there.. last night one of the performers said.. "alright, so i've had kind of a stressful week.. for blah blah blah reasons and you know, i'm sure some of you have some pent up angers or stresses or agressions that you just need to get out... so on the count of 3 we're all just going to yell.. as loud as we can.. "FUCK!".. okay?" and it was done. followed by laughter. and a definite release of negativity. Quite fun.


You know I'll write more later. And thanks for all of the nice comments, people. It's never expected and always puts a smile on my face. Cause you know, when you're just being yourself and doing what you gotta do to make life make sense... and then someone comments on it.. and says that it's inspiring or enlightening or whatever else.. it really does make me want to just continue being who i am and growing and advancing my mind. I mean, granted that's the way I am... but the encouragment really is awesome and humbling and just generous on your part. So thank you! It's a beautiful cycle, you know? I really do appreciate you guys.

Newness is goodness is circling round, taking me to dreamtown

There are so many nights I can't get to sleep because I'm too high on life or rounding my thoughts. And I just want to put these things out there that inspire and craze me... cause maybe they'll do the same for you..!

1. Coffeehouse Theology (the answers to all of the "big" questions we ask ourselves): I'm reading about Christianity and enjoying every moment. No, I'm not adopting the faith to be mine, I'm just learning a very popular philosophy (or as put by Christians "truth"). This is a good thing for many reasons. I'm becoming educated about one of the largest religions on this planet. I'm questioning my personal philosophies. I'm figuring out that with every new philosophy introduced, I cannot decide for the least bit what is "correct"... and that definitely excites me rather than distresses me. And it makes me want to just keep exploring... maybe one day a certain philosophy will "gel" and i'll claim it as my own. I'm in no rush for that, though. This makes me happy.

2. Kate [Beautyface] Morrissey:What a captivating face, voice, spirit. Check her out: http://www.katemorrissey.com/ I saw Kate perform in some tinnyyy coffee house that could barly hold 25 people near PennState when Jo and I were visiting her sister. That night Kate stole my heart! This female is so free, so honest, and damn sexy! I drew her face and hands and shoe on napkins. It was like she was something that just had to be captured and saved in some way. I ordered her CD in the mail today.. it should be here soon.. yay.
"And if she seems lost as she wanders around, maybe you just can't see what she's found."

3. Hugh [prolific] Prather: Author of many books, one of which was nestled on a shelf in the junkroom entitled Notes to Myself. I read the book maybe a year or two ago and then a few weekends ago the girls and I were sleeping in the guest room and it popped up on a book shelf in THAT room. Anyway, it's written in short page or half page free thought entries with the basic theme of "humanism". This is a great book to be reading along side Coffeehouse Thology because it is completely contradictory. But I love Prather's thoughts. so much that I have to "yes!" outloud while reading. haha.. for example:
"It is not that there is no evil, accidents, deformity, pettiness, hatred. It's that there is a broader view. Evil exists in the part. Perfection exists in the whole. Discord is seeing near-sightedly. And I can choose this broader view--not that I always should--but I always can."

4. Daniel [speaks in stream of consciousness, wandering free] Lee: "because for every night of loserville disenchanted watering holes, there is another place where there are people moved, living, saved in music."-daniel lee. My my, i met this fellow where? At the wonderful College Perk Coffee House... i'm pretty sure it was some random all-night show that me and jodi and whoever else arrived to see and it went as so. I was sitting on a run down couch and next to me was a stack of Literary Magazines from Towson University. Naturally, I picked one up and was skimming through. Long, dark haired Daniel catches me off gaurd asking if the seat next to me was taken and begins conversation. (Little did I know the greatness behind the hair)... make a long story short... Daniel played and my jaw dropped. This man is amazing. Espcially live. Truly one of my favorite artists ever. And a great person. And his LIFE is an inspiration. He travels from place to place playing music, wandering free, meeting new people, endulging in good conversation and food and culture and it's just beautiful. one of my favorite lyrics of his:
"Somedays I see a million faces, everybody looks like they ain't got no time. But then I think to myself it's really all that they have and if they only would take a moment to laugh they'de realize that time is their relative. I put down my money in a world full of gifts that's always expecting and that never uplifts. Oh God how I'd love to buy you some flowers." Listen to his music here:http://www.myspace.com/DanielLeeMusic Read about his life here: http://danielleemusic.com


....i'll do Ani and Joni some other time... or maybe i won't... but they're on this list of things and people that make my heart beat faster and make my life that much more fulfilling.


i feel like everyday there are so many new things to take in, experience, learn... so many that it's too many for me to keep in and hold for myself. so i share.