september in boston!

i've heard that september is the most beautiful month of the year in boston... and if all goes as planned... i'll be there to witness it!
my 3 avenues:
1- attend umass boston as a full time undergrad student. (i was in the midst of finishing my essay before i came here to procrastinate a little... and the rest of the application is sent in, including fees and SAT scores, minus HS transcript that i'm getting from guidance @ ahs tomorrow morning... sooo, once it's sent in, they have to review my application and either accept or reject me. basically.)
2- attend umass boston as a part time student in the "continuing education" program. (all i have to do is show up, pay, and register. saweet. oh, and have my high school diploma. all credits should transfer over to northeastern!)
3- attend bunker hill community college. (same as #2)

SO.. that leaves me with housing. umass boston is a commuter school.. as well as bunker hill, so i'm going to have to find an appartment. it would be ideal if i could find one with northeastern students that way, you know, i make some friends and i'm in that area.. etc. but it should work out. umass boston and bunker hill are both only a few miles from northeastern and in good areas.


if anyone knows of anyone in boston looking for a roommate... or just any students in boston... if you could either IM me or leave a comment here.. that would be so awesome.

there's some phrase... i don't remember at all what it is.. but it basically translates to "sucking today so you can be better tomorrow" i feel like the past week was like that. i was sucking at finding solutions. so i could find them later. haha. oh mi oh my.

my parents are out of town from now until... well technically my dad's coming home late at night on july 4th. and july 5th we're going up to boston to settle things and find an appartment for the fall.



so basically, i'm going to take care of the rest of this application, have a good old time for a few days, then go to boston. i'm a happy girl.

this is just a great picture of kathleen and i. and our kick ass wagons. muahahaha.

good news

so i've got some good news of my own, in a way. this past week or so i've been in a super rut. and a week is a long ass time for me. haha. but yeah. with everything kind of piling up at once and not being able to see any answers or secondary solutions for anything, it was all getting to be a monsterous messy maze in my mind. (i couldn't resist) and then last night i was talking to my mom and we decided that i needed to call northeastern again and see if there is anyy way that i can start in the fall. as full time just living off campus, or as part time living off campus. and i'm waiting for someone else to call me back. but it just felt really good to do something different than what i've been doing (nothing). so we'll see if this works. if not, i might try to move in somewhere off campus anyway and just get a job for the first semester waiting tables. my parents are in favor of it and i think it's less of a dramatic change than going to one university then meeting all tehse people then moving away again and yadda yadda yadda. so we're gonna see what we can do. explore the options. it was good that my mom and i talked because she helped me realize there are still more options, when i had given up.

it's really important to be proactive. if you haven't accepted something internally, don't accept it! don't just stop! unless there is no other solution (ie, someone dies). sometimes we becomes so hurt or complacent with results that we fail to push for new ones... but i really don't wnat to do that anymore. proactivity (is that a word?) is risky because we commit ourselves and invest our hope, but without it we get no where and we remain stuck in a rut. i'm just glad i'm trying new options. and i'm going to continue to try NEW outlets if these don't work.

i've felt very stuck for the past week or so, and me of all people, i mean, i believe that we're never stuck.. that there's always another option. i think there's just been so many different things worrying me that i became paralized with whatever this emotion is. anxity, pain.. something of the sort. BUT good news is i'm taking steps to get out. ie, calling northeastern... and i'm also going to go visit towson if i don't decide to go to boston in the fall.. because college has just been one big distant worry. and that's no good. i'm also going to start talking to a counsoler about my family, parents, friends, life, self. all that. because i need to hear a different voice. i need to get some new strategies so i can enjoy my parents for the last bit im here for. and so i can deal with the things i've carried with me for too long.

what else? good news... .the picture thing works so much easier on this computer! yay for macs! haha.

alright, that's good. i want to hear more people's good news. or bad news for that matter. talk to me.

love-

muahahhaah.. i just figured out how to post pictures. let's see if this worked... I LOVE MI POWERBOOK! :)

(judy at the bloc party concert. the sky was so cool that night)

so i suppose i'm in that state of "liminality" as jodi just introduced me to. (moving forward but holding on type thing.. or the stage of transition)... i want to just state for the record that my parents really are awesome people. and yeah, they have flaws, but we're human. we have flaws. that's OKAY.
anyway, i guess i've been realizing that although it doesn't change the circumstance, this type of itching to start my "new life" right now is shared amoung a large portion of people who are at this point in their lives. or at any state of "liminality" i would assume. because it's like, the time has finally come when we know we're almost done... almost gone... almost finally at a new stage. so we throw the towel in and stop putting up with the things that have been bothering us over the years. (at least i am, anyway). but yeah. i duno.. things are okay. i'm just trying to be less on the attack, because the past week or so i definitely was. (i needed to be, ha)

it's interesting though. what if we didn't have to feel so inclined to "attack"? what if we figured a healthy way to deal with our situations as they came so that they wouldn't build up and produce a ticking time bomb of frusteration? that'd be ideal. haha

work's a lot better. i had just been working wayy too much without any time off to do what i do. i still haven't gotten a chance to sit down and read much. but i will.

i don't really feel like talking about myself anymore.


i wanna hear some good news. leave a comment about the best thing that's happened to you in the recent past. big or small.

CRAP!

alright, so the previous post was trying to force through all the crap i'm having trouble with right now. but it's still here. so yeah.

i hate complaining and i hate feeling like i can't deal with my own shit, and it ends up being very self-destructive at times because whenever something "hard" or "bad" comes along i just rationalize it all and figure whatever reason to make myself believe that i can handle it. and then i end up handling it. but eventually shit piles up and i get sick of "knowing how to deal with everything" or finding a "mature solution". fuck, man. it's the way i live, but it's not god damn easy. i mean, when it comes to anything concerning other people i totally stand up and shout out and all that good stuff opposing things that suck. but when it comes to myself, i just "deal" by rationalizing. nothing's bad so nothing can hurt me. because if my parents relationship actually sucks, and if theyyy actually suck for living it, then that hurts. because my whole life i've tried to find a way for it to not suck, instead of just shouting out, YOU GUYS SUCK FOR BEING SO RETARTED WITH ONE ANOTHER!

yesterday i finally shouted it out. my mom and i were going to plan a trip to the grand canyon/vegas etc, figuring my dad wouldn't want to go, because god knows my parents couldn't handle agreeing on anything for any amount of time that's supposed to be "stress free". but to our surprise, my dad was interested in going. of course however, ONLY under the conditions that we go NO MORE than 4 nights and 5 days. and of course, my mom refuses to go for anything less than 7 nights. so there was screaming and shouting and name calling and acting like children between my parents. what the fuck, why can they not just sit down and actually make a game plan and figure out how many ngihts they NEED rather than spitting out stupid numbers that they knew would piss the other person off. that's my god damn solution to their stupid, non-communicating, 5 year old argument. but i wasn't even going to offer it. i just screamed. YOU GUYS FUCKING SUCK. AND YOUR MARRIAGE FUCKING SUCKS. AND YOU'RE BOTH TO BLAME! and then i went upstairs. only for my dad to follow me telling me all of the god damn reasons why it's NOT his fault and it IS my mom's fault. "i'm a normal person, rachael.. it's her."... no dad, you're fucking married to her.. so that makes you a part of it.

basically, i'm done even thinking about solutions for my parents. i'm done being around their rediculous door slamming arguments. i'm done being at all involved in the negative energy that's spread every time they talk. i hate it. i really really hate it. and i have nothing left to work for with them. i'm gone in two months. and i need to go to be able to fricking GROW.

i mean, i'm scared to be anything like that. i'm really really scared. and i just want to go away so bad so i know that i can actually control the god damn environment i'm in, and really live MY life free of THEIR shit. cause sometimes i can't keep track of what's what.

so yeah. that's been bothering me a lot lately. but besides that. a lot of crap has been going on with jodi. and just feeling very under appreciated in general. and i hate to say that. because i hate to ask for any kind of gratitude or recognition. i hate to ask for it, but i do need it. and i really just haven't been getting it.

and the thing that sucks the most about my parents is they're so caught up in their stupid fighting that they can't be nearly as cool parents as their potential. i mean, they really are both great individuals. but they're just ruined by eachother. or maybe that's just me trying to give them a break so it doesn't hurt that yeah, my parents suck a lot of the time as people.


i'm feeling very... sad, frankly. and disappointed a lot in the people i love. and that's a hard feeling to have.

i really wish that people would be more up front about their shit. about the things that SUCK about them. because there are things that suck about everyone! and i just wish we would look at ourselves and be more honest, and know how to apologize, and know WHEN to apologize, and get some balls to fess up and say we've been an ass hole, or an idiot, or selfish, when we have. i know, it's hard to do, espcially in the beginning. because we want to "love ourselves". but there's a difference between actually loving yourself, despite any time you might fuck up, and covering up your crap with conceit. yeah.



there are a lot of reasons why going to college is going to be so amazing, mainly because i'll actually be free from my childhood and able to build the life i'm so ready to live. but that presents another problem: college? uhhh.. i have my little preliminary plan, but damnit, i want to get settled into something stable and stay. i find enough instability in every day life. i don't need my atmosphere to be changing too. so yeah.


leave some encouragment, or praise for that matter. or just plain old love. because 1-i need it, 2-i deserve it.

summa, summa, summa tiiime

i love getting mail and packages so much that i would post my home adress on this blog for the world to send me whatever they please, but i'm not going to just in case of crazy stalkers.

though, if you have my adress and are ever thinking, "man, rach's cool".. feel free to send thoughts via actual MAIL. emails are cool too. or you know, ask and i'll be more than happy to give my adress.

man, i've been kind of bummed in the recent past due to lots of crazy things. i mean, i'm moving on from the guy. so that's not so bad. (so long as i don't run into him at any more concerts..yikes) but working at clyde's waiting tables really hasn't been that much fun. i'm learning that i don't enjoy being a waitress. i want a job where i can gain something from what i'm doing..(something more than just money..i know, i know) and serving is physically draining. not in the sense that i'm getting a work out, but in the sense that my knees are being torn up. and all the information and crap being trained into my brain for that restaurant is very usless. so yeah, i might be trying to find a new job in the near future. pass some suggestions along if you know of any!

alright, but it's time to really kick things into gear.

i'm realizing that although i'm a really social person by nature, i'm really bad at making efforts to meet new people or get together with different people. i mean, i hang out with the same 3 people all the time.(and god knows i love them to death) but i feel like i need to practice branching out. not just for the sake of branching out, but because i really just want to.

my mom and i might make an end of the summer trip to the grand canyon! i really hope that we do it. i've never been anywhere out west.. and i would just love to go with my mom. last summer we had the best time traveling up and down the east coast. if we went to the canyon we'd fly there and then rent an RV and drive around all the awesome sites for five days or so.

man, i just want to say what a great time i had hanging out with everyone at senior week. i really loved our happy house of love.

my parents are going out of town july 4th weekend. i'm having a party. or two. you're invited.

list of awesome things to do this summer:
::salsa dancing with judy!
::art night with grandma!
::complete reading list:
-high fidelity, nick hornby (just finished, great book)
-how to be good, nick hornby
-slaughter-house-five, kurt vonnegut
-catch 22, joseph heller
-sifting through madness, charles bukowski
-finding faith, brian mclarn
-sons and lovers, d.h. lawrence
-this side of paradise, fitzgerald
-i am charlotte simmons, tom wolfe
::GRAND CANYON! (i hope!)
::concerts: (let me know if you want in)
-james taylor
-oasis
-coldplay
-dmb
::finish painting my room
::house concert for a cause!
::kick ass.
::be outside under the warm, loving sun!
::do everything i've been meaning and dreaming to do, but haven't done!
::spend time with the people i don't see enough
::visit my aunt mary
::go running

the list could (and needs to go on) forever.. with more defined things to do.

what a life. i'm off to finish writing these thank you notes from my graduation party (that was a truly awesome evening).

lots of love~

the events just keep on turning

what a cycle. guard up! give in! guard up! give in! (i'm learning how to step away from the cycle completely and just start something new... or trying to learn how)

anyway, micayla's at her IUP orientation and kathleen just got back from her UNH one (she loved it, which is so wonderful). all of these changes keep hitting like a title wave without any force big enough to stop them. i'm okay with that. (i can't really not be, now can i?)

see the thing is, patience is the hardest virtue for me to work with. i'm horribly (and wonderfully) confrontational with everything because i like solutions and answers and results as soon as possible. i think just the way i've grown up with arguments and chaos and yelling as a main event, i kind of evolved into the little peacemaker. and when things feel tumultuous in my life, i go into fixer mode, and have to find whatever "solution" i can.
and so what is really cool and challenging about going to Towson in the fall is that i can't just "solve" having the defer Northeastern for a semester. I just have to wait it out. and deal with it. and let time and life take its course. the situation is out of my hands. and i only can control my attitude.
and i realized that moving on from this fella is the same thing. i can't just say, "okay rachael. today you are going to get over him and leave him and forget about it all together--forever!" i just have to be moving in the right direction...moving toward new beginnings until eventually let him become an old ending. and i just have to know it'll take time. and be hard sometimes. but i can still do it.

sometimes i'm too compassionate for my own good and i find myself defending the assumed "enemy". i just don't see people as enemies, though. espcially not ones whose life story i've heard and experiences i've shared and who i've exchanged dreams with and understood. but when it comes down to it, i've got to put all that aside. there are so many amazing people who i have wonderful relationships with who aren't detremental to my well being or taxing on my mind and heart. so yeah.


this is me sorting out my mind on paper for you to read and respond to if you so please.

work tonight was cool. i hostessed outside. it was beautiful weather. relaxing.


i'm off to read myself to sleep.

come to my gradparty on friday starting at 6pm. my house! if you're reading this you're most certainly invited. don't be shy now. :) lots of food and music and dancing and laughter (so i hope) peace

a fond dedication

i can't help but shake
when we come face to face
after only two weeks
that felt like forever
without your conversation in my ear
or your hand always near
despite the fact that i wouldn't hold on
yeah, i had to let go
i had to let go
i had to let go
but i hate to go
you should know
i hate to go
yeah, i love you so
i hate to go
i had to go
and we both said goodbye.

honesty

...is hard for people to handle, so i see.

the purpose of my last blog was to practice what i preech. i really do believe that by being open with our mishaps in life, by not feeling ashamed, or afraid to admit them, or worried what others will think of them, we can actually deal with them.

i mean really, so much time, effort and stress is spent on worrying ourselves with how someone will react to some shitty situation we've been in or experienced. but that seems so counter-productive to me. if we have to WORRY what someone thinks about our mishaps, as well as actually EXPERIENCE our mishaps... that's double the stress of it all. but if we can just be open and trust that people will come around and be compassionate and understanding, such a weight is lifted... and there's nothing left but to actually deal with the problem. so much worry is taken off of our shoulders that there's room to work through things. AND half of the time, just being honest about things alleviates the situation in whole.

now there's the flip side of the situation...'but people really WOULDN'T understand or want to be compassionate about my mishaps'.
and i have three responses to that:
1-if we want to, we can change our lives. we can change our friends and our attitudes and our futures.
2-the way i deal with my life may not work for everyone. and i know that. but i do believe that if you want it to, it can work for you.
3-it is on US to not only be the ones to rely on others compassion and understanding, but to provide it as well.

if i had bottled up losing my virginity, and tried to hide it from people, and not talk about it so that no one would know... it would still be bothering me right now, because i would have never made the space to actually deal with the issue... i would have been using too much effort trying to hide it.

i feel like so many of our problems in life don't have to be problems at all if we just allow ourselves to be open and honest about them. if we never give someone else the chance to understand they never will. if we don't want to understand others, we never will.

philosophies put into poetry.

i'm not sad, nor mad, just moving forward with a pace
that won't wait for my emotions to catch up
so i capture them in modesty
and explain to them with honesty
that they can exist
just not to slow down good living

i take these experiences in stride
kissing resentment goodbye
not getting high off of pride
not pretending through lies
i just look at what is
and i don't need to make it bigger than the truth

i've lost innocence over time
the kind that flies once it's free
and never retrieves
i've loved and lost that too
with not a damn thing to do
but carry with my gained wisdom and survival
and through all the trials
i'm always looking for the next
with every walked mile
i won't stop to rest

i'm not tired, nor scared, just a little unprepared
but still going
i'm not afraid of my strength
it's how i endure pain
and it's the only way to truly progress

fearless of falling or flying or dying
or dreaming or leaving and never returning

i decided that night to go the extra mile
which night? which mile?

i look back on 'the race'
knowing that sometimes you win with a smile
and sometimes with a tear
but we are not losing
so long as we are living

we are all so wealthy with our healthy minds and bodies
we are all so wealthy to be alive
LIVE! to do more than just survive
we are Alive.




a lot of awesome events occured during senior week. at the same time, a few really sucky things happened. mainly, i lost my virginity. and i'm basically writing this/telling whoever wants to know...not so that you judge, but because if you know me completely.. you'll know how important that was to me and how crappy it was that it happened there, while i was intoxicated, with someone who didn't mean anything to me. (i dated him a few summers ago, but we hadn't even kept in touch.) but my POINT that i'm trying to make by being so upfront and honest... is that after that happened... i cried.. for a good few hours. and felt like shit.. for the majority of the next day (once i was sober)... but i realized that things like that happen in life.. and this poem is what came out of everything. so hopfully, by just being honest about the reason behind this poem, my life philosophy will have more substance to it. and i;ve learned from this all that when something seemingly crappy happens in life, we don;t have to stop living. in fact, we can't. or we're shorting ourselves of everytthing we have left. so yeah, my virginity is gone. and it wasn't when/how/who i wanted it to be. but it happened. and my life is moving forward. and i will fall for someone and make love with them and all of those beauties will happen for me... because i believe in them. and because i know that they can happen. and because i am convinced that love exists, and can and will in my life.


leave your thoughts if you wish.

i have other poems and thoughts and stories to post. but i'll let this one settle first.

::fondly.

ahhh! growing up! (and out and away!)

so i got home from senior week this afternoon.. and man, let me tell you, it was crazy. full of drinks and laughter and maryjane, and deaf people, and the beach (of course), and jodi's beautiful music, and idiots passed out everywhere, and a degree of healthy infidelity, and some loss of innocence we could say...and i had a damn good time. however, after 5 consequtive nights of being intoxicated, i did basically die. haha. and the last night i managed to redeem any mishap that had occured in a weeks time with the greatest night being sober. (it was funny how happy i was to be sober).. ha. anyway. i came up with a butt load of writing, and also dealt with a lot of crap that's been on my plate.

you know, i'd like to just be completely open with the things that are going on in my life. and just put them here for people to read, and understand the decisions i make and my reactions to mishap. because if i've learned anything in my life, anything at all... it's that i'm here for more than myself. i really want, more than anything, to be able to advance our humanity, our lives, with what we want and need. (compassion, love, nurishment, understanding.) call me a god damn hippie... it's more than that though. it's having ambition and a fight inside of you that's fighting for something amazing. and recognizing it. and not being afraid to say, "i can do big things!".... cause it really is scary, to acknowledge how much control you have and how much you can do... because once you make the acknowledgement, if you don't live up to yourself, you're just letting yourself down. it's so much easier to just say, "oh, i'm satisfied doing small things."... because once you take that first step, you feel how gratifying it is..and you can't imagine continuing on a path that's doing so much for others and yourself simultaniously.

but here i am. trying to put my finger on what exactly the amazing thing will be that i do. because i know it's just in me. i know it's in me to do more, and be more, and give more, and love more. and i know that i have to be big. because i know that i can be. and that's it.

there's a lot more that i want (and need) to post about my mother and about how i've been learning that this life really is becomming mine completely and about not feeling regretful and about religion. but i just called clyde's and i have work tomorrow in cafe 1 which means ill be there an hour early cutting lemons. 9am. god damn those fricking lemons.



this blog might begin to serve new purpose. i'll revise it when i get home tomorrow and fill you in on a possible new set up. stay posted.

it's good to be home.

home. what a concept.

goodnight.


(first night not sleeping in an intoxicated, orgy environment... not sure how i feel about it. haha)

Compassion

I saw Daniel Lee and some other kick bum artists perform the bright eyes 'lifted' album tonight at jammin java in VA.. and it was really awesome. i loved that it was so collaborative... because, as i was saying a few blogs ago (that's funny, not a few days ago, a few.. blogs ago. ha.. there's definitely humor in that. see, that's the kind of humor i like. real life humor. not trying to be funny. but just... yeah. am i still on a tangent?) anyway, when joy or an experience is SHARED with other people.. it just gives it such a different feeling. to me it just seems so much more.. i don't even know.. not less selfish. but yeah, i guess in a way. it's taking the spotlight off yourself.. and putting it on "us". right. and it's working hard not just on your own.. but actually putting faith in other people as well to be a success with you. and that's just cool.... because it's risky. and it almost always pulls through.

anywayyy... so they were performing the 2nd to last song on the album... Laura Laurent.. and there was this whole guitar break jam and.. it was just screaming with compassion. and it was just cool. it mused me in a way and brought about that phrase.. or that sometimes compassion needs to scream to be heard, and very well deserves to.

a lot has been going on lately also, with family and such, and i definitely needed to write tonight. so i went with the theme.



Oh Compassion, you're a soft whisper of care that cannot confess your heartbreak
So the sun breaks with a new day of light to creep in to the faltering soul and feed it with hope

You can speak, Compassion... dare to show how big you are inside
Write it down, spread it around
The love is there to be shared

Sometimes, Compassion, you have to scream
So that people will finally see how deep the fervor runs
So that people can finally hear how dedication has diminished fear

Dear Compassion, it's okay that you're crying
truth runs in the form of tears down your face
without lying or denying the pain that couples caring deeply

You can be afraid for five seconds only though, dear
See, if you let fear in any longer
you lose the power to make yourself stronger
to make this world stronger

Oh Compassion, you are a true gift
a true lift to those spirits who sway with doubt
Yes, you've learned the ins and outs
Yes, you've learned not to doubt yourself
and it's showed you to believe in others

Dear Compassion, you are the brother
that every man needs
the nurishment
that our troubled souls feed

Compassion, wipe your face
Your grace has not gone unnoticed

It's a trick, you see, wanting to give in to complacency
But knowing that you cannot
The truth is, Compassion, you're not one to give up
and you're not afraid to fight
You're different.

And in the end, your heart will mend
In the end, the love you gave
Will rest at your grave
In more than just flowers
But in towers of hope
Throughout the living

Oh, Compassion
Thank you for giving.