Chief Seattle's Letter to the President (Mid 1800's)

The Great Chief in Washington sends word that he wishes to buy our land. But how can you buy or sell the sky? The warmth of the land? How can you own the rain and the wind? The idea is strange to us. If we do not own the freshness of the air and the sparkle of the water, how can you buy them?

Every part of this earth is sacred to our people. Every shining pine needle. Every sandy shore. Every mist in the dark woods. Every meadow and every humming insect. All are holy in the memory and experience of our people.

We know the sap that courses through the trees as we know the blood that flows through our veins. We are part of the earth as it is part of us. The perfumed flowers are our sisters. The bear, the deer, the great eagle, these are our brothers. The rocky crests, the meadows, the ponies and man, all belong to the same family.

The shining water that moves in the streams and rivers is not simply water, but the blood of our grandfather's grandfather. If we sell you our land, you must remember that it is sacred. Each ghostly reflection in the clear waters of the lakes tell of events and memories in the life of our people. The water's murmur is the voice of our great-great-grandmothers.

The rivers are our brothers. They quench our thirst. They carry our canoes and feed our children. So you must give to the rivers the kindness you would give to any brother.

If we sell you our land, remember that the air is precious to us, that the air shares its spirit with all life it supports. The wind that gave our grandfather his first breath also receives his last sigh. The wind also gives our children the spirit of life. So if we sell you our land, you must keep the land and air apart and sacred, as a place where man can go to taste the wind that is sweetened by the meadow flowers.

Will you teach your children what we have taught our children? That the earth is our mother? What befalls the earth befalls all sons of the earth.

This we know: The earth does not belong to man, man belongs to the earth. All things are connected like the blood that unites us all. Man did not weave the web of life, but is merely a strand in it. Whatever he does to the web, he does to himself.

One thing we know: Our Gos is also your God. THe earth is precious to Him and to harm the earth is to heap contempt on its Creator.

Your destiny is a mystery to us. What will happen when the buffalos are all slaughtered? The wild horses tamed? What will happen when the secret corners of the forest are heavy with the scent of many men and the view of the ripe hills is blotted by talking wires? Where will the thicket be? Gone! Where will the eagle be? Gone! And what will happen when we say good-bye to the swift pony and hunt? The end of living and the beginning of survival.

When the last Red Man has vanished with his wilderness and his memory is only the shadow of a cloud moving across a prairie, will these shores and forests still be here? Will there be any of the spirit of my people left?

We love this earth as a newborn loves its mother's heartbeat. So, if we sell you our land, love it as we have loved it. Care for it as we have cared for it. Hold in your mind the memory of the land as it is when you receive it. Preserve the land and the air and the rivers for your children's children and love it as God loves us all.

As we are part of the land, you too are part of the land. This earth is precious to us. It is also precious to you. One thing we know: There is only one God. No man, be he Red Man or White Man, can be apart. We are brothers after all.



[copied from the inside of joni mitchell's album "the beginning of survival"]

i just think this letter speaks on so many incredible levels. and yes, i'm writing from a laptop computer that breaks all kinds of native mind sets... but this letter is too good to be left unread. i hope some of you take something from this. i found it all very beautiful, inspiring, and partially saddening.

it makes me ask myself, do i love this land the way these incredible people before me did? do you?

i hope after reading this, some of you are in the same position as i am... wanting to do more good things for this very very sacred earth.


and the list of aspirations grows longer everyday!

WHO'S IN??? come on people.. the more support the better. support makes good things happen. leave one if you're interested in doing good things. any good thing.

rach

what we gain

...from a childhood of experiences.

our lives are not fairytales, no matter who we are. we have fleeting moments of supreme delight.. but we are not cinderellas forever. we are brokenhearted, or mildly content, or active, or cynical, or heated, or immature, or wise, or prude, or generous... but most consistantly, we are LIVING.

so the theme remains, what do we gain? what do we gain? what do we gain? what do we gain? what do we gain? while we are alive!

and damnit i just want to repeat it over and over again.. type it out each time, and mean every punch of this silver keyboards inquiry.

WHAT DO WE GAIN?

the choice is up to us.


tonight i went to a family friends college graduation party. he had about 10 close friends there.. adn there were about 10 other family friends. it was small, relaxing, and intimate. his aunt from boston was there.. and as the night winded down we got to talking over turkish coffee about her life and my future and what i want to do and what i'm doing now...

and it was just really good to be there and tell this woman that i plan on really making a difference somewhere. i plan on CREATING an occupation that not only fits me, but benefits others greatly. with our world advancing constantly in the technology and science and medical fields i can't bare to see us forget about our humanity. forget about our souls and our relentless desire to connect with one another. i mean HERE WE ARE. not HERE I AM. this humanity thing is definitely a "we". i don't care how selfish or reclusive one might be. people draw to people. and i KNOW there's a way to make heads and tales of our connections. and it might be up to me to find the way. so be it!

when i told this woman tonight that i wanted to do something with interpersonal communication where i could help people understand PEOPLE.. who THEY are, who I am, who YOU are... we don't have to agree or like eachother, but if we at least understand, maybe we can accept.. and so iw as telling her this plus other things of the sort.. and she said to me, well what kind of job would work for what you want to do ? and i responded.. well, whatever job i make for myself. because what i want to be isn't out there conventionally. it just isn't. but i have big fricking plans. i have plans to make things work for US, not just me or you. contact me in 10 years. ask me what actions i ended up taking. i tell you all the wonderful results.

remember the movie The First Wives Club?... imagine something like that... but not angry wives... day to day people... who could be doing and living and experiencing so much MORE. but somewhere along the line, they gave in to the regular life and gave up on giving and doing more.


i'm realizing more everyday that it's true what they say... the more we put into life, the more we get out. we GAIN what we earn. what we work for and put forth the efforts to make happen. and really, there is nothing like working really hard for something you believe in and seeing successful results smile back at you.

we also gain every ounce of negativity we spew about us. we gain pessimism and sour attitudes and apathy and anger and resntment. we blame others for our lack of fulfillment and satisfaction. and what do we gain? a transient speck of empty laughs or smiles responding, "catch me if you can... i won't be here long"... because those laughs at our negative jokes are unwanted. those smiles and our crude remarks are out of pitty.

i've gained a lot over the years.. even from, espcially from the hardships i've faced. (and yes, we all face them).. and i really think from everything... i've gained the most out of the things i put the most into. and that really is the bottom line. even if that meant investing my heart into someone and them breaking it. i invested deeply... and i gained more than i would have ever thought in the end.


just think... what do i want in life? what do i want in life? what do i want in life? what do i want in life?

you want money? you want to play basketball? you want to teach? you want to sing? you want do paint or do accounting or travel the world or speak 10 languages or shoot guns? what do you want to do??

do it! but just know.. that when you incorporate what it is that you love doing, with something that other people can enjoy and benefit from also... that love, that joy... is shared. and really, nothing exceeds being on top of the world.. and not being there alone.. because when you're standing there beaming with happiness, and you look to your side and see that so is he or so is she... you know your smile can't help but grow.


what we gain from our brokenhearts is the opportunity to love ourselves more. what we gain from our loved ones unhappiness is the knowledge to not make their mistakes. what we gain from our dreams not coming true is an outlet to discover new ones. in every mishap lies a chance to discover new sights. don't close your eyes. there's just too much to see.

rach

walking away

gosh, there's so much change spiraling about it's hard to keep up with.

i said a final goodbye today to the person who's occupied my heart for the past two years. i told him i wasn't coming back. he had ani difranco tickets for me and a gift that he made me... and asked me to come back tomorrow or the next day so he could give them to me. and i told him i wasn't coming back. and that he should sell the tickets. not in a mean way... but i just can't take anything from him that will just prolong the whole thing and keep me attached.

he said okay and we said goodbye and just walked away. no hug. just seperation. and then i cried. a lot. infact, i'm crying as we speak.

when we stood there, i swear we looked into eachother's eyes like never before. holding on to whatever last bit of connectedness we could share for however short it would last. i don't know if i saw tears in his eyes or not.. but i saw sadness.

it took a lot to walk away. it certainly wasn't what i wanted to do.. and i'm really not sure if it was right or not.. to just leave without as much as a hug. but at least i told him i was going. and he knows.. he knows how deep my emotions for him run.

the actuality of this all being over hits hard. very hard. but i'll be okay and be up and running soon enough. i'm not going to pretend, however, that i am not broken hearted. i certainly am.


for those of you who know everything and may not understand completely how i ended up where i am, but accept me for my journey... having you here with me is making all the difference.

i've been saying thank you a lot lately.. but i want to say that i love life, and i love that people are compassionate and come together to help bring eachother through. because humanity, with all of it's "flaws", comes through in the end if you believe in it, and participate in it.

make something of today. please.

newspaper final - feature article about myself/graduation

“Shouldn’t I be crying?” thought Rachael as she sat draped in white cap and gown, her bottom in pain on the uncomfortable blue metal chairs of Merriweather Post Pavilion. The only thing she really had to cry over was in fact, the uncomfortable blue metal chairs.

Surprisingly, despite Rachael’s sentimental personality, not a tear was shed from her face at the graduation she shared with the rest of Atholton High School’s class of 2005 on Tuesday June 1. “I have no regrets,” said Rachael. “I accomplished everything I could have hoped to, and learned valuable lessons from diverse angles.”

Diverse describes Rachael well. Over the years she not only participated, but excelled in numerous areas such as writing, soccer, theatre, music, and class government. Each activity Rachael participated in spirals into its own story, but her concern rests not in past accomplishments, but in changing current aspirations into successful realities.

Rachael and a few of her friends plan on opening their houses and backyards to the public this summer where they will host “house concerts” for only a few dollar entrance fee per person. All proceeds will go to different local causes such as Grassroots homeless shelter. “Everyday we have the opportunity to do something benevolent and beneficial,” said Rachael. “We also have the opportunity to sit around. If we can have fun in the process of doing charity, why would we just sit around?”

Working at Clyde’s restaurant in Columbia where she waits tables and hostesses, Rachael plans on continuing her employment over the summer to earn some extra cash. Running and exercising are included in some of Rachael’s favorite past times, as well as painting, traveling, reading, going to concerts, and spending excessive amounts of time with her three friends.

Rachael was accepted into the college of her choice, Northeastern University, but not until February of 2006. She is still eagerly waiting to hear if her acceptance will be bumped up to the fall, and will find out within days. If Rachael’s acceptance to Northeastern remains for February, she will either attend Towson University for a semester, or live in a city waiting tables.

“We know that whatever Rachael does, she’ll be successful. We really do hope that she goes to Boston, even though we’ll have to take a second mortgage on our house,” said Rachael’s father Randy. Rachael’s mother Beverly added, “We’re just so proud of her.”

With diploma in her hand, and white heels killing her feet, Rachael smiled an awkward smirk, excited for the future, and reflecting on the past. Some people call high school the time of their lives. For Rachael, high school was a time of personal growth, learning, and self-discovery. Through every experience she realized what mattered most to her, and developed personal priorities. Through knowing what she believes in, Rachael will step confidently into the world and make a beautiful difference.

i've been careless.. yet acted with care.

why is it that we celebrate meaningful accomplishments or monumental happenings in our lives with a substance that creates the reverse effect? i drink, in fact, got pretty trashed last night in celebration of kathleen's graduation. but i mean really, i just thought i'd bring to light the irony in the whole thing. what are we doing?

i think my real concern has nothing to do with drinking for celebration. hell, it's nice. i think my real concern is with the fact that last night i did stupid things while intoxicated. really stupid things. and it's bugging the shit out of me now.

lately i haven't been able to express myself in words because everything is so secretive in my god damn life right now and i just don't like it! i'm OPEN and free and easy to read and guh! this isn't fun. but really, it's not even about that... (i keep contradicting myself.. or not saying what i mean).. basically... i haven't been thinking. i haven't been using my god damn brain to make good and beneficial and smart decisions.
i've been careless.. yet acted with care. if that makes sense.
i just need to get through this struggle right now. and start doing some good deeds because i have really been doing some bad ones. in fact, two of the same bad deed in the past week.
yes, i have catholic guilt- and i'm a jew. so i suppose that would make it jewish guilt. either way, i just feel bad.

so now, i am deciding to no longer act irrationally. because i don't want to just sit here and complain. yeah. well. i'm off. to finish my last week of high school. and move on. and die from doing stupid things.

i can't even blame alcohol.. because half of these stupid events i've been sober. wonderful.

gah. i can just hear my dad scolding me with the, "you're really not making wise decisions, rachael. it's your life. fuck it up if you want to." yeah.

to many of you, my experiences might be nothing. as in.. not bad on the scale of bad. but really.. we all have our own scales.. and i personally feel like shit for all of my scales i've gotten off balance in recent past.

jodi just said to me italianchic311: okay... in christianity, i feel like this would be one of the times you "ask god for forgiveness"...but leaving the god part out, you have to be able to forgive yourself

haha.. kind of funny. but also true. yeah. oh that note. i need to go to bed early tonight.

there's some great sense of fulfillment in walking away from something you love... and also a great sense of sadness.

i feel like from all of this i have so much to take with me. like there's so much i've gained.. but it just doesn't make it easy. and i can't put my finger on what exactly i've gathered.

is it possible for everything to come together and fall apart simultaniously? this whole process takes a toll on me to say the least... not to mention graduation creeps inevitably as another factor to the madness.

i've been short of my own words lately.. these emotions are difficult to put into coherent sentence structured blogness.

his cds make me cry. but i'm glad i have them. and i'm glad i didn't toss them out the window the other day like i wanted to in that heat of the moment. haha.

i'm writing this just to write it. because i'm on the brink of breaking down and building up and it's just strange and beautiful and scarry and confusing. espcially after last nights intoxicated actions. they just heighten my state of mishap.

funny, the only reason i'm not going crazy is my trust in the near future's kick-ass-ness.

i'll leave some appropriate song lyrics.


"Fall Fall Fall" - Razorlight

Midnight’s calling
Are you close behind?
Midnight’s calling
Are you close behind?

Trees without leaves and notes that don’t ring
Wine left to rot and a voice that can’t sing
And hours of making love in silence
And a light that just won’t shine in the darkness

Could I be any clearer?
Could I speak any plainer?-
I need you hereJust to lead my way
And fall, fall, fall

She scolded me for my sinful and wicked ways
Towered above me – do you follow?
And watched with concealed pleasure
As I ripped out my heart and said
I’m just bad, I can’t help it
But I tr-tr-tr-try to be good

And trees without leaves and notes that don’t ring
Wine left to rot and a voice that can’t sing
And hours of making love in silence
And a light that just won’t shine in the darkness

Could I be any clearer?
Well could I speak any plainer?-
I need you here
Just to lead my way
And fall, fall, fall'

Cause people make you lonely


what a strange void that exists regardless of all the fullness in my life. what a strange and forlorn longing.

well it is a beautiful day. and i've been outside enjoying it for what it is.
have a good one.

waiting for godot, anyone?

Well Vladmir and Estragon are. And will be forever, unless of course they hang themselves. If you haven't read/seen this play, you might just think i'm weird. If you HAVE read/seen Waiting for Godot by Samuel Beckett... talk to me! i've been wanting to discuss the themes and philosophies with someone, but my group was apathetic and disinterested. damnit. haha.

I'll just leave some cool quotes and maybe someone will have fun input

“The tears of the world are a constant quantity. For each one who begins to weep somewhere else another stops. The same is true of the laugh. Let us not then speak ill of our generation, it is not any unhappier than its predecessors. Let us not speak well of it either. Let us not speak of it at all. It is true the population has increased.”

“ESTRAGON: No use struggling.
VLADMIR: One is what one is.
ESTRAGON: No use wriggling.
VLADMIR: The essential doesn’t change.”

"We are all born mad. Some remain so."

"We always find something, ed Didi, to give us the impression we exist?"

VLADMIR: … We could start all over again perhaps.
ESTRAGON: That should be easy.
V: It’s the start that’s difficult.
E: You can start from anything.
V: Yes, but you have to decide.
E: True.
Silence.
V: Help me!
E: I’m trying.
Silence.
V: When you seek you hear.
E: You do.
V: That prevents you from finding.
E: It does.
V: That prevents you from thinking.
E: You think all the same.
V: No no, impossible.
E: That’s the idea, let’s contradict each other.
V: Impossible.
E: You think so?
V: We’re in no danger of ever thinking any more.
E: Then what are we complaining about?
V: Thinking is not the worst.
E: Perhaps not. But at least there’s that.
V: That what?
E: That’s the idea, let’s ask each other questions.
V: What do you mean, at least there’s that?
E: That much less misery.
V: True.

[Pozzo cries for help]
VLADMIR: Let us not waste our time in idle discourse! (Pause. Vehemently.) Let us do something, while we have the chance! It is not every day that we are needed. Not indeed that we personally are needed. Others would meet the case equally well, if not better. To all mankind they were addressed, those cries for help still ringing in our ears! But at this place, at this moment of time, all mankind is us, whether we like it or not. Let us make the most of it, before it is too late! Let us represent worthily for once the foul brood to which a cruel fate consigned us! What do you say? (Estragon says nothing.) It is true that when with folded arms we weigh the pros and cons we are no less a credit to our species. The tiger bounds to the help of his congeners without the least reflexion, or else he slinks away into the depths of the thickets. But that is not the question. What are we doing here, that is the question. And we are blessed in this, that we happen to know the answer. Yes, in this immense confusion one thing alone is clear. We are waiting for Godot to come—

POZZO: Don't question me! The blind have no notion of time. The things of time are hidden from them too.
VLADMIR: Well fancy that! I could have sworn it was just the opposite.

VLADMIR:.... We have time to grow old. The air is full of our cries. (He listens.) But habbit is a great deadener. (He looks again at Estragon.) At me too someone is looking, of me too someone is saying, He is sleeping, he knows nothing, let him sleep on. (Pause.) I can't go on! (Pause.) What have I said?


i provide you with no plot set up, because really.. the plot is sparse. i suppose i'll tell you all there is to tell... two men are by a country road and it is evening and no one ever comes by, except twice a human-slave holder Pozzo and his ironically-named slave Lucky. A messenger Boy comes by twice as well with news that Godot will come tomorrow. Yesterdays are forgotten. Godot does not come.


Comments/thoughts/anything would be wonderful! This existential crap always makes my brain hurt.

off to kat's grad party! yay!... let us be alive while we are. cause regardless of these books and philosophies... i am living! peace ---

rach

Minority Rules

So i was busy erasing my past the other day.. and i came across this email that i wrote to an old friend. i thought it was interesting and post-worthy.

I had just finished reading Survivor by Chuck Palahniuk and the following quote gave me reason and words that had to be written down. and here they are:

"You realize that people take drugs because it's the only real personal adventure left to them in their time-constrained, law-and-order, property-lived world. It's only in drugs or death we'll see anything new, and death is just too controlling."

I love Chuch Palahniuk's writing because he brings to light so often the flip-side of the story that gets left unsaid. One of the themes inSurvivor presented a reason validating why one might use drugs...to heighten the experience of life when sober-life experiences begin to run out. Oftentimes one is viewed as a low-life or worthless person if they resort to the use of drugs... and that may infact hold true in many cases. However, there is always an exception to the norm. If the majority of our society views a topic one distinct way, are they unquestionably correct? Is the minority always doomed to be wrong? Would rebellion ever occur without a minority? Would there ever be reform? Reconstruction? Renewal? REVOLUTION? Without some minority slowly evolving into a majority, there would be no equal rights for men and women, blacks and whites, Christians and Jews and Muslums and Hindus... gays and straights (an issue that still hasn't been won over by the minority)... A minority is vital in order to change things. To start a revolution. To rebel against what's wrong... because sometimes, The Majority Doesn't Know What's Right.

Take a look at our world and our country. Count how many depressed, or unhealthy, or sucidal, or unhappy marriages, or dysfunctional families, or battered wives and children, or murderers, or prostitutes, or drug addicts, or liars, or thefts, or day-to-day APATHETIC people are walking our streets. And they judge. And they're the Majority. And they see things from their ultimately correct point of view because it's what "everyone else is thinking". And they tell the Minority - the souls that feel their lives are actually worth while - that they're wrong... because they're the minority. Majority Rules.

Well the Majority is about to go Up In FLAMES because this time, like so many other revolutionary times in our history, the Minority has something to say. Something to prove. Something to stand up and FIGHT for.

Peace of mind. Spirit. Soul. Love. Compassion. Truth. Providing oneself with only what is Nesessary. Education. Honor - but not to be mistaken for arrogence. Humbleness. Generosity. And something that is too often overlooked; Courage.

The Majority of people are afraid.. They're cowards that use shields like material posessions and apathetic emotions to hinder let downs. The Minority is not afraid of failure, or heartbreak, or death. Because inside of the minority rests pacified organs and muscles that collaborate and work hard to pump blood into ones viens, feeding their hearts... and from those tranquil machines, love is produced readily, wanting nothing more than to be shipped out to the nearest majority so that more Love has the ability to be spread throughout. Because in this world, Love Is What's Lacking.

just thought that was cool. feel free to share thoughts. -rach

oh, and today was my last full day of high school. it went well. didn't seem too paramount. i think graduation will hit me with it's backhand and make me cry. but until then.. well, what is will be.

it feels really good.. to be free from the things that have been holding me back.

oh yeah, and i really do love you guys.

peace.

rising to today

the past years have been so valuable in too many ways to speak. i've gained such a great sense of self, such a great sense of friendship, and love, and heartbreak, and devotion and so many other virtues both beautiful and hard. and lately espcially, i've been struggling with a situation that has fed me both excitment and pain, joy and tears, bliss and sorrow.. and i'm really.. learning from it all.

i don't know what i wrote two or three days ago.. but i'm sure i'll contradict myself 100%.. and really, that's okay. because contradictions show that the mind has different compontents and they care enough to argue with one another. so yeah..

i've been attached for two years to someone i don't need. and not only do i not need him, but it's a hindrence for me to involve and invest myself in him. because for every moment i spend devoting my heart and enabling an unsatisfying dream to take life, i lose everything. i lose myself and my future and my possibilities and my ability to be open to new people. i lose today!

and i want to say thank you kathleen, jodi, micayla.. for investing yourselves in me. for caring enough to try to talk sense into me. for respecting my decisions even if you haven't agreed with them. for wanting to understand even though it's been wrong. i'm just so thankful to have you guys in my life. and i can't say that in a way that shows how much i mean it. i know it's been hard for you guys to sit back and let me make decisions you disagree with.. but i appreciate every word and every caution and every.. everything. i love you guys.

but what i was saying... is that when i went to kathleens house for her to paint a portrait of me today.. and we ended up sitting on her bedroom floor talking.. and the light beamed through the window landing on the carpet.. and the air was alive with the scent of summer.. and the undeniable truth screamed "look at what wonders are lying ahead!".. i realized that i just can't hold on to this dream any longer. no matter how real it's become. because look at what i'd be giving up.

there are so many amazing fricking things to live for and to experience and to dive into.. and yes, at one point in my life i thought this was one of them.. but two years ago when this all started, i needed it there..it was one of them. he filled the whole. he fit the description. as "wrong" as it was, it was right for me. it made sense. and now... it really does make sense to move forward. i mean, i can't even grasp all of the aspirations and great plans i have for the near future.... just in terms of doing good things and living important causes. and to have this extra.. stress.. whether the day is up or down.. ultimately, it's in the way. i'm just ready for a clean slate. for an open mind and heart and self. it's just that time in my life.

and you know, it's funny.. because i would have expected for myself to be more affected and emotional with graduating and potentially leaving and etc etc.. but for some reason, i'm not. and i think that reason lies in the fact that i'm just ready. i'm ready and excited and eager. and everyone who's in my life right now is important and significant enough to remain regardless of time or place. and everyone else.. i've already left behind. and i know that sounds sad or crass or careless.. but it's the truth. i used to hold on to everyone and everything because i just found something to love in everyone.. and i still appreciate people for who they are and their differences etc.. but i've learned who and what really mean that much to me. and those people aren't going anywhere.

this blog might be.. risky? but it is what it is. i am who i am. no one comments anyway. haha..

i don't mean that i won't miss people or that i won't be sad or that i don't care about people who aren't my closest friends... i certainly do. and i certainly will. i've just learned to take it all in stride.

have a good night. mine has been... awakening.

no one commented on my last blog.. i suppose because it was too metaphorical. i guess that's what i wanted anyway. lol the only people who actually comment on this damn thing are jodi (majority), kathleen (occasionally), tim (sporadically), mike (not often)... and then the occasional other person here and there. it would be cool if more people gave imput. but then again, maybe not. it's funny that i have no clue who or how many people read this. i don't do a ticker or name taker or whatever else can be set up (partially because i don't know how to..) mainly because i don't really care.

today was emotional. i wish i could talk about the chaos going on in my life right now, but i can't. so yeah.. i won't.

i went to the mall alone (i always go to the mall alone.. i don't like going with people).. and i just walked around for a few hours. bought 2 shirts for work. but it was just very.. quiet. didn't say anything to anyone.. i mean, hi to the salespeople.. but sometimes it's nice to be surrounded by people and not be/feel obligated to speak.


i'm half way worried about myself and my future, and half way secure. i guess this is just a vulnerable time in my life and i don't really know where i'm going with a lot of things... one of which hurts and heightens my heart all at once. yeah, i don't really know. i guess when june 1 comes so will some answers..

i sound kind of.. down right now maybe. but i'm not.. just.. trying to sort things out in a more internal fashion. we'll see how it goes.

leave one. rach

eventually you reach a resolution

so i know i previously posted about the rising action being a continuous theme and never quite reaching the climax... staying high off of the hunger and trek towards the big boom that never comes. but everything happening in my life right now begs me to differ from my previous thoughts and experiences. i'm not going to go into detail.. i'll just try to leave some thoughts.

once the point of anticipation is finally reached, and the tables turn, and the music crescendoes to it's peak... we're not left with no where to go but down. we're not left with a sad ending, or an ending at all necessarily... but that is one of our options.

because that's what we are left with... options. and i think that's what a resolution really is.. after a long anticipated event finally occurs.. or a life changing/habbit changing occurence finally takes place.. everything changes because options are finally available. and whatever choice you make is the potential start to a new build up... but perhaps it's the start to a calming. and that's another choice you make.. what you're going to start to make now that there are pieces to put together.

imagine a vase breaking. one that took a very long time to construct and put together. now it's shattered on the floor in a beautiful mess and array of colors, shapes and sizes. now no matter what, the vase will never be the same. so what do you do? throw it away and build a new one? piece it back together in the same fashion, trying to fill the gaps in with glue? make something crazy and abstract out of the pieces that you have, creating a completely different structure? WHO KNOWS! but now.. choices have to be made.

what i find to be most delicate and beautiful and heartbreaking all in one is the moment and point when you decide what to do with all the pieces. because when a decision is finally made to start over or to throw it away or to try to reform or whatever else.. you finally let go of that past, that habbit, that style of living, that nature... you stop recounting in your memory the vision of the vase that once was, and you start picturing the concept of the one to come. and it can apply to anything. to graduation, to moving away, to kissing someone, to breaking up with someone, to quitting a job, to finishing a project. any kind of change. the beauty and the pain comes in making the decision... in that last kiss goodbye to the past, and open eyes to the future.

so right now, the vase broke (actually, more than one vase broke...) and i still haven't made any decisions. but i know those bitter sweet beginnings are sneaking up on me to swallow the past.

when you think about it.. in some situations it really is better that the vase breaks so new options become available. and in one in particular, i'm so glad it happened.. because if it hadn't.. the vase would have just dusted over and become something i pull out every now and then with a sour spot in my heart because it never got used. so yeah.

why not give some advice-- and be open, not metephorical--
we're going away to college.. do everything you don't want to be left undone. say everything you've wanted to say. it's now or never. our chances are now. take them.

(rach)

a new terrain

There’s a small girl sitting in a box
With her legs crossed and her mouth shut
She’s glancing around with shy in her eyes
And shame on her bashful brow

She’s not comfortable just sitting there
Taciturn, waiting her turn
To let herself out of her cage
Out of her one cell maze some people call home

She’s timid and tiny and easy to push around
Because she’s convinced herself that she is small
I mean after all, no one wants to be big in this day and age

We’re all starving ourselves to keep thin
…We’re all taking less in
And we’re getting less out

No, nobody wants to shout
Nobody wants to turn heads to leave their face turning red
Embarrassed of who we’ve become
Because we’re not becoming much
… We’re becoming much less
Than what we’re capable of

A girl is sitting behind a desk
Ankles crossed, pencil drawing a sketch
She’s lost in a world of dreams
Where she can color her whimsy true
Without having to do much of anything

She’s satisfied half of the time
When the picture paints itself pleasing
Yet she finds herself pleading for freedom
From the nightmare that haunts her heart

Oh, but it’s so much easier to just defer
The nightmare for a while
To let ourselves smile with the dream
And just pretend there’s no need to wake up

So she’s sold herself on the idea of wealth
Through both the sunshine and the rain
While failing to see the opportunity
Shining from a new terrain

What about that kinky girl with her hair let down
Who frowns because she’s not afraid
To show it when she’s sad?

She laughs so hard that she loses her voice
And loves so much that she loses her heart
But through every lost particle
She finds a new start

See, with freedom she found that expression is exponential
And once she really got going
There was endless potential
Impossible to count or hold
Impossible to try to mold
Because what she became was a limitless self
A raggedy Anne without a shelf
And without a need for one

It was once the girl broke free from the box
It was once the girl woke up from the dream
It was once the girl was not afraid to scream
It was once the girl said “I am me
With my life in my hands”
It was then that she dropped any former plans
And began truly to live.
-yours truly.


the last stanza somehow didn't show up on the copy i printed out to read at the arts fest, so here it tis.

wowww

god, i have so many thoughts rushing through my head at every speed and in every direction. thank you for coming to the first ever ARTS FESTIVAL! i hope everyone had as an amazing time as i did.. it was just perfect. thank you sir daniel for coming and playing and getting raved reviews because you are so worthy of them not only for your music but for your youness.
surprisingly, no tears or even glimpses of sadness went through me last night as my greatest friends in the world were up on stage being beautiful. i was expecting they might have, but the aura was just too positive last night to even want to let some bitterness slip in. so it stayed out.
i think i'll post the poem i read.. with the correct ending. when i got home and looked over it, i left out the best line. ha. but you know, it's what it is.. no big deal.
funny, some things are what they are.. and it is a big deal. yes, there was some monumental occurences last night.. and right now i'm just trying to bask in them rather than.. whatever will come of my emotional state in about 3 days. haha. at least i know the storm's coming. but damn.. what beautiful moments we shared. .. and it's like the words just kind of fall short because this story has been written for so long and it's just now getting read but you already know the plot.. so you pay less attention to the story line and take better notice of all the beautiful prose you skipped the first few times. thanks, you. we'll both be going crazy soon enough. but nonetheless, it's all so fond to me.

i have work all day and all night... and then i'm doing it again tomorrow. so you should come get some food at clyde's.. or just come pay me a visit. i have so many more things i want to write about. it feels like that's always the case. i don't like working this much. i mean REALLY, money isn't one of my priorities.. ha.. you guys know that. oh well. it's funny.. the $ isn't even what i work for. i work for the satisfaction of working hard and earning something. oh the way i work. pun intended. speaking of work.. i've gotta go find out what time i have to be there.

have a beautiful beautiful weekend. i feel like i need time to digest everything that just happened.. but i'm being rushed into a pool full of crabcakes and chicken #1 and hamburgers and mussles and soup. and right now i'm not hungry for that shit. ah. i'm too metephorical right now to wait tables. i'll start reciting poetry to my coustomers. hahha. oh man. that'd be funny/ hahha.

later loves. please visit me!

speaking through silence (a newspaper article by yours truly)

I remember as a freshman seeing a senior girl who I admired greatly sitting limp with a blank expression on her face in the front lobby of the school. She was dressed in all white with her face painted to match and was completely silent. She seemed as though she was dead. Micayla and I went up to the senior and attempted greeting her, only to discover her silence was intentional and a response would not be met. I remember an eerie feeling coming over me as I thought to myself, why is Andi pretending to be dead?
Later in the day, walking through the halls, it seemed as if every corner I turned there was another upperclassmen dressed in all white resembling a dead person. After much internal questioning, I was finally informed that the demonstration was intended to prevent students from drinking and driving after prom. The people who dressed in all white were representing students killed in drinking and driving related car accidents.
The memory of the event stuck with me over the years, even four years later when it came time for my senior prom. The image of Andi sitting still, silent and in all white, essentially dead, had not cleared from my mind. I recounted with Micayla how effective their demonstration was, and we talked about how horrible it would be if one of our friends died in a drinking and driving related car accident. We knew that we had to do whatever we could to prevent such a fatality.
The Wednesday morning before the 2005 Prom students trickled into school and glanced apprehensively at me. Some stopped to take a closer look at what was written on the sign across my chest, some laughed or made fun of me unsure what to do with such a serious matter, and some just kept on walking. The pattern remained the same throughout the day.
See this time I was dressed in all white with my face painted to match. This time I sat silent the entire day when students came up to me attempting to say hello or asking if I was allowed to talk to them. And this time they eventually realized that I was not going to respond; that I was demonstrating for a very worthy cause.
As I sat silent the entire day I found myself chanting in my head the words that were written across my chest… “Every 30 minutes a student dies due to drinking and driving”. Chuck Palahniuk once wrote that “silence is the hardest blessing you give up,” and I would have to agree. As I lied limp about the school, not speaking to a soul but my own, part of me really did feel as if I were dead. But with death comes glory, or at least more publicity, and if nothing else, people certainly were talking.
The statement spread like a forest fire and soon every other word I heard in the hallway was “dead” or “ghosts”. The information sheets in my hand about the detriments of drinking and driving disappeared quickly and I knew that no matter how many people kicked me, or how many people stood in front of my face trying to get me to laugh, or how many teachers were not in support of a clearly imperative cause… the message was there, and those who had open minds, were not only influenced, but challenged to really reevaluate their actions and decisions.
At the end of the day there were 46 dead bodies strewed across the lobby floor, myself included, all with varying signs, varying hypothetical stories, and varying effects on bystanders. 2:10 arrived and the lobby filled with students anxious for the weekend and our much anticipated Prom. Somehow though, the usual end of the day hype wasn’t as energetic as people took a calm moment to look around at us, at their peers who were no longer with them because they chose to face the consequences of drinking and driving. Thankfully these hypothetical deaths did not occur and we were blessed and fortunate to have every student return safely to school the next week.
I would like to extend my personal gratitude to Atholton students, teachers, and administrators on behalf of everyone involved in the anti-drinking and driving demonstration for listening to the words we chose to speak through our silence. Thank you.

i'm just trying to evolve

uht oh.. i have homework i should really be doing.. and i'm sick and tired.. and it's a group thing.. and uht oh.. the blog is still approaching.. uht oh.. .uht oh... ohh.. it's here! (kinda like an orgasim)

alright, so i haven't written in a while because i've been swamped in busy-ness. the good kind of busy for the most part. but damn am i exhausted. and sick.

senior prom was just perfect. i ended up going with jodi, kathleen, judy and mike. small, intimate and couldn't have meant more. i'd write all about it, but i'd rather just skip to the end.. when kathleen's dad made us an awesome camp fire and pitched a super tent and we sat out and talked and looked up and the beautiful sky and made up priceless-one-night-only-lyrics to a song that no longer exists, and laughed, and cried and snuggled, and froze and woke up to strawberries and sun and kathleen's parents warm southern hospitality and bacon. and i just loved it. and the whole thing just made me realize even more how meaningful each moment with these amazing people in my life really is.


after prom, during the about 15 minutes i had to relax on mother's day, i'm pretty sure i broke down. i told my parents that i don't want to go to college. that i want to do all of the "one day"s that never get done.. all of the little things that we say we're going to do or try, but don't. i want some time to myself to just experience life rather than defer everything for school. and i really don't think there's anything wrong with that. but the problem is, the experiences i'm talking about, so many of them happen by chance without planning or preparation.. but by being with the right people in the right place at the right time. and so much of that time, place, people factor is alligned through school.

ah, see lately i've been stuck arguing with myself over whether or not our lives are in our hands. and i most certainly think they are when it comes to what we do.. that we make our lives into what we want them to be (within certain parameters).. but it just seems that every second we can't be making concious decisions about 'hmm what am i doing right now and is it exactly what i should be doing?' (and i mean should be in terms of what we feel or know to be "best" for ourselves at the moment) i like to tell myself that it's all in our control.. that way i'll try to control it for the best.. but i'm not sure i believe myself.. and i definitely don't do a great job controlling things, no matter how hard i might try.

...i've just felt like i'm on the verge of something.. on the verge of myself i guess.. and maybe this summer will be just enough time to feel like i've gathered things together (for the most part).. or maybe it won't. but it's like what jodi was saying in her blog... i just don't want to feel afraid to do something different. and i really think that the more we act on our intuitions, the easier it becomes to continue following our own paths. whether or not we're making concious decisions. so i suppose what i'm saying is maybe if i just live, everything will work out.

"and i am trying to evolve
i'm just trying to evolve
so i walk like i'm on a mission
cuz that's the way i groove
i got more and more to do
i got less and less to prove
it took me too long to realize
that i don't take good pictures
cuz i have the kind of beauty
that moves" -ani difranco, evolve


mr. bill is leaving mobil. wednesday is his last day. i'll cry for sure. what monumental changes are dancing about.

i'd just like to feel comfortable with my uncertainties. because they're not going anywhere anytime soon, that's for sure.

well i'm sick with a fever and everything else.. so i'm off to finish english homework. my mind has been tredding water lately just trying to keep up.. i'm hoping soon i can relax and sort through all of the things i mentioned and failed to mention. have a wonderful week.