Because we are all so very connected.

I sat down on the floor of the lobby next to Stephen Diez today during lunch as he was reading through and highlighting his Bible. He was kind of taken aback that I had just come and sat down next to him... but he was humble.. And I asked him very honestly as I looked towards his Bible, "Does this make you feel connected?" He looked at me kind of confused but more in a willing way and said, "What do you mean?" And I said, "You know.. connected to something. It's human instinct to want to identify and connect with something." And he said, "Well yeah, I feel that I am really connected to God." And I said, "You know that's really great... because most people really aren't sure what they're connected to... but you've found that... and you're not afraid to sit here and be different. And it's like, we all connect to different things, you know? God is not necessarily my connection, but really all of our connections are the same big picture. The human desire to be connected to something... people, places, a God, ourselves... everything." Stephen sat there for a moment taking in what I had said to him. "Well thanks," he said. "You're welcome," I said. "Thanks for living the way that you do."

I learned something important from Stephen today. I was raised Jewish but I'm not that religious... and seeing someone who is completely dedicated to his faith is a distant sight for me. But nonetheless, it is a sight that I found very important to see... Probably more important for me to see because it is so far out of my realm of normalcy. I realized while talking to Stephen that we really are all the same. That our desire to connect is so prevalent no matter who we are or in what way we connect with things. Whatever it is that may bring you solace should be kept near by... even if it is something that people aren't used to. Because maybe we need to stop trying to adapt to the world and society... and live our lives the way that's best for us.

All in all, my day was very... intense. From place to place I just kept finding myself saying outloud and internally, "I don't know why I'm here. I need to be someplace else. But where? And how?" And as I was debriefing with Jodi about the chaos of the day, she sent me part of a conversation that she was having with someone who said basically..."I want to hop in a van and travel from place to place.. get out and ask the people, 'Is there anything I can help you with? Because I'll be in town for a few days and I'm trying to really make a difference on a personal scale.'"..... and my mind was just thinking, where IS all of this? where are all of the people who drop out of school, or college, or whatever institution we've been thrown into.. and say, damnit I'm going to get out of this routine that's making a personal difference, and go help some people! And I thought to myself, I want to be living in the 70's!... But the matter is that i'm NOT living in the 70's. I'm living in today. This is where I am... and I Have to DO something with it. Because what in god's name would happen if I didn't? I mean, most likely I'd go crazy.. But worse, I'd be denying the compassion and the drive that is in me to do good things for this world.

I want to make it a point to connect with people. People who I don't know and people who are far from my preferred or usual acquaintances. Because I really believe that the more we know about each other, the easier it is for us to understand and accept what is going on day to day. And the more we accept things, the less fear, anger and/or confusion we have residing within ourselves. I mean, isn't that what we want as people? To be unafraid, at peace, happy? I think many people are happy with the lives that they live...their comfortable styles, and stable opinions... and I can really understand that. I can understand why a person wouldn't want to be vulnerable to a world of uncertainties and diversities. It's definitely a mouthful to stomach... It's definitely uncomfortable on many levels. So it's a choice that we all have. And which ever decision is made... things will work out, things will be okay... But there is a difference between things being "okay" and "comfortable"... or really challenging your mind in terms of acceptance and understanding. I choose to challenge myself. Because I believe that there is no greater force than the human necessity to be connected. It is here, it always will be for as long as we as people keep reproducing. So why not have our means of connection, be of greater communication and synchronization?

The House of Coffee a la escuela... and other assorted thoughts.

Well last night certainly was interesting to say the least. It's one thing to be center stage for an act or two, or even an entire production if you're putting on an ACT... but when it's just you up there at center stage the majority of the evening and you're not putting on an act... it definitely feels like your life is center stage and everyone is watching it for the evening. That's how it felt last night, anyway. Probably because of all of the craziness going on right now. Not everyone was watching my life... but those who are being directly effected by me were most probably paying close attention. and it just felt awkward. I was really excited before the show, and glad that it was happening.. and even glad that i was going to go perform and mess up and just have a good time... But once the night kickstarted, I hardly got to enjoy the acts for what they were. and that's what these types of events are all about... enjoying the people who are up on stage putting themselves out there. I mean, damn.. what a beautiful concept. I guess in a way the same concept applied for what I did.. except it was for the whole evening.. and it was just random disarray.

I've been thinking about college a lot lately. Going away. Moving away. Far away. It's so odd to really think about... Up to this point in our lives everything has pretty much been planned out for us.. our parents have basically decided our childhoods with the exception of occasional mishap. Even still, stability has been in place. And to think that my life this far has been stable compared to what's in the future is like.. damn, how shakey can it get because i'm definitely already a rollercoaster.
This isn't necessarily the best time of our lives, contrary to popular belief. Perhaps it is just the most exciting... the most unstable... the most unpredictable. So if we call the crazed, the best time of our lives.. why do we seek stability? As we grow, we change and have new wishes based on what we feel we need. I suppose when we are young, we feel we need to go searching... to find ourselves and to find the world. But at what point does our thirst for newness die? At what point does the quest for adventure become a tiring path that we no longer feel like traveling... Is 4 years of college enough? How about a few years traveling around Europre after that? Then is it time to settle down and start a family? To find a career that will support the new hungry children we plan on bringing into this world?
Too much of anything isn't a good thing. Even too much curiosity. So I suppose we hold onto it while we're young and it's at it's peak. I suppose we find as many answers that we can while we're still searching for them. I suppose we take none of these questions and push them aside because others aren't asking them. And I suppose as we grow older and lose that thirst for knowledge and answers that we used to posess.. we miss the questioning. because with every question that we search for answers to there is a new adventure towards discovery. Maybe when we're young doesn't have to be the only time of our lives that is the best time of our lives if we keep near our sense to always discover more.
Are we afraid? Of course. Am I afraid? Hell yeah. But that's exactly why I want to go to Boston for school. I want to face that fear and grow and change and have thousands of questions constantly running through my head. I want them to be new questions, fresh and changing always.

So I'm off to the land of the unknown, I hope... and maybe every stage in my life will be the best time of my life if I keep living with my curiosity and passion for answers at the front of my mind.

comp gov&politics inspiration

regardless of the fact that i dislike gov't and politics... i sure as hell have learned a lot in that class this year, not just about the countries we've studied... but about my own personal beliefs. (everything is a learning experience, right? ... even school!) alright, so i was inspired to write something (as usual) after Paige proclaimed very matter-of-factly "Well what do you expect, gov't is corrupt!"

Why is it that societies talk of corruption in politics like it's a bad thing and then submit themselves to the very inauthentic path that they disdain? Are humans more willing to live their lives by pattern and ritual rather than adjust their lives to live a style less "corrupt"? If a person can identify a patter and recognize it to be corrupt, why do we take part so much in such an ill system?
Is this the opposite of our carelessness or the summit of it? Yes, we are active, involved, good citizens who vote and therefore make a difference in this world through our country... but if we wanted to make a real difference away from the pattern of corruption that we've become so accoustomed to, wouldn't we refuse to take part in the government? By keeping ourselves involved we are merely proclaiming our struggle for power, whether our struggle is something "positive" or "negative", those two terms are completely relative to the individual opinion.
So why do we try to be correct in our views and force them on to others through means of corruption if we know corruption to have a bad connotation. Everyone thinks that their way of saving the world is really going to save it. Maybe the world doesn't need saving.

feel free to comment.. i think i'll post this on my profile for a few days.

i'm not saying that i'm not a victim of my own scorn, but i'd like to at least bring light to the situation.

enjoy the day.
rach

things to be glad and happy and well about.

well if this whole sequence of events hasn't been an experience...
there are so many things that i'm glad about right now.

i'm reading this very life-changing, enlightening, book of wisdom called "Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart. 30 Things You Need to Know Now" by Dr. something Livingston.. (i'll post his first name at a later date for the zero people who read this blog other than myself.. i love how i write these side comments as if someone other than myself is going to read them) Anyway, the book is posed with 30 different chapter titles all of which sum up a 3-7 page essay of illuminated perspective. I've read through chapter 28 with two left to go, and let me tell you, i wish the book was titled Infinite Things You Need to Know Now! I swear this book has helped me with so many things... with the situation that i'm in right now with ryan, with understanding the situation that i have with my parents as well as many relationships with my friends and other family members etc... I recommend this book to anyone and everyone. I have gained so much from such a quick read and I'm sure that everyone who sat down for a few minutes with this book would gain something different of importance to their own life.

I'm really really... happy... that things with ryan are on a good track. Granted that starting a relationship when you're half way through your senior year in high school isn't necessarily the smartest thing to do, but when two people are willing to and want to make something work, then you go with it. I don't think either ryan or i were ready to be in a relationship that would take the committment of our time, or more the investment of our hearts when things first got started between us. it's a big wager to make.. one with our hearts.. and after a life time of failed examples surrounding us in real life...the media or television never teach that it's okay for things not to be perfect.. and it's okay to have differences, and it's okay to disagree and not like things about one another. such a 'love' where people show committment and ethics is hardly ever portrayed. the kind of love shown is always sparks and magic and basically b.s. that only lasts for the first week or so of a relationship before reality hits. the good thing is that reality is something that can really be polished. it's hard to polish something that's already a bunch of gloss.. you gotta get to the core of the matter before it can be made into it's greatest potential. sooo yeah. my point is.. ryan and i went through some crap to get to where we are.. but it was vital. and now we have the chance to polish and enjoy. and yay. because it's fun. and ryan's a great person. and yeah.. happy birds chirpping flying free gay jolly etc etc..

so i got a new job at clyde's. i'm going to hostess until i turn 18, which is shortly, and then waitress and make super tips. the down side? training 5 days at the headquarters in Georgetown from 5-10pm on weeeeeknights. but it's all good because this is the start of some new capital opportunities.. aka.. spending money for GREECE. which by the way, i am pissing my pants with excitement waiting for. ooh meee oh myy greeceeeee how i want to lie naked on your beachesssss...

so other things that i am very glad about. jodi's going to be on the howard county station... they're going to air 5 of her songs!!! and jodi's happiness is my happiness.. plus she just kicks major ass and deserves everything she ever gets. god. i love jodi.

the play is fun.. i don't care that i have no part... danielle and i do our cool thing with the metal slide in "I've Got Rhythm" and i get to see DAN FINALLY! dan is one of those special people in this world that just makes me so happy to see that i want to jump and laugh and swim and fly all at the same time.

alright, so i am off to read chapter 29.. and maybe do some homework that i promised myself that i would do ('Life is full of broken promises to ourselves' - a quote from the awesome book)... and then sleep. because god do i ever love sleeping.


and might i add that ani difranco is so beautifully wonderful. listen to her music. right now.

just live your authenticity.

seems like everyone's an actor
or they're an actor's best friend
I wonder what was wrong to begin with
that they should all have to pretend
we lost sight of everything
when we have to keep checking our backs
I think we should all just smile
come clean
and relax
if there's anything I've learned
all these years on my own
it's how to find my own way there
and how to find my own way back home
-ani difranco "anticipate"... such an amazing artist.

lately i feel as though life has been shown to me rather than me just seeing it. Many people perfer the laughter caused by comedians, or the tears caused by dramas... but it seems to me that whenever someone is trying to make me laugh or cry, it just doesn't work. Don't get me wrong.. there's definitely beauty and talent in actors/actresses... but it just seems so unauthentic. It seems like a shield to the truth and reality of what is. And i mean, that's exactly what it is. What i'm saying is not that there's shame in acting or using theatre as a means of expression... but when a life is lived by acting rather than being, i don't see how success can ever actually be achieved. Perhaps that's what drives so many actors... the reward of acting is fleeting.. you get your applause, your compliment, your occasional flowers... but then you have to wait until the next performance to prove yourself once again. It's always about proving the abilities that you have rather than just being and implementing who you actually arel. It's a tought part to play, to say the least (no pun intended).. But perhaps for the actor it would be even tougher to put down the mask, the get away, the escape from themselves that others applaud them for... because then what would they recieve? applause for being who they are? who are they? they are inspired to be actors because their individual state was not fulfilling enough. there is reason that one reaches outside of themself to become something else... the reason isn't always that they are not good enough.. the reason could very well be that they want to challenge who they are and what they're capable of portraying.. but to me, the only person that i want to portray is myself. i could still be trying to figure out exactly how that's done and maybe that's why i don't desire to act anymore.. but maybe i just think that's a better battle to fight. who am i... rather than who can i pretend to be.
just thoughts.