taking my own advice

i've got to refute a post i wrote a few days ago when i talked about missing intellectual stimulation due to my surroundings. today, after reading jodi's blog about being where we are without feeling lonely or while still feeling at home, so far away from each other and our place of origin, i commented on what she wrote. i said the following:



you know jo, i think all of us are feeling that same sense of being torn between where we are and where our hearts rest. because when we're all together, that's where we feel at home. it's hard for me to be HERE fully, too... but i think when we decide to take our days into our hands, and maybe find a little more home within ourselvess, we can feel more comfortable and encouraged.

for so long we relied on recieving love from each other to feel at home... and being apart from one another is our chance to look inside and draw some strength, courage, and love for ourselves from ourselves to play a comforting role.

maybe there's no harder thing than to turn to yourself when you're feeling lonely. that almost sounds backwards. but if you CAN turn to yourself in low or lonely times, then you've got something that will never let you down. find ways to turn to yourself. play music. paint. write. read. bring that light to life in times of lonliness. you've got so much inside.


now i've just got to say that my experiences and education here, both academically and outside of the classroom, are totally under my control. they're totally up to me to make the most of and get as much out as i put in. it's silly how often i tell myself that and how quickly i forget to act upon that belief. but it's really good to be reminded, even if it's through advising someone else.

don't hesitate to give me a piece of my own advice if i seem as though i'm forgetting. or some new and different advice. part of what i'm learning through going to this counselor is to be open to others' advice for me, not to feel so much like i have to have power or be right about everything. haha. so yeah. bombard me with advice or refutations!!

lots of love, rachael


ps. photos from the protest can be found at photos.yahoo.com/rachmddx under ANTI-WAR PROTEST
my camera died half way through the day, so i had to be quick with the picture taking...they didn't all come out great. anyway, enjoy!

War is not the answer!

Yesterday 100,000+ people demonstrated in D.C. as a protest against the war in Iraq and the current administrative choices. I went with Brain and some of the college democrats, and it was just a great day all in all. From the metro packed to the bolts, to an array of creative signs, to people dressed in appropriate (and some inappropriate) apparel, to the other side standing BEHIND BARS arguing their point, to chanting against war, to music playing in the streets... people gathered at our countries capital from near and far to show the world that we don't agree with our soldiers and innocent iraqis being killed for no good cause.

pictures coming soon..

it was nice having such a diverse intellectual level in high school. you can be whoever you are, and still interact with people who are on a completely different level. i suppose the same thing holds true of college in the sense that there are different types of intelligences. but i liked having the people with highest IQs standing right next to the average who stood right next to the lower. You learn a lot about appreciating diversity. Sometimes it feels like people's minds here are all working at about the same rate. Not too fast, not too slow. (which makes sense, because we get into certain colleges based on similar parameters) But i want to be around it all, I want to see the super speedy and the nearly dead. I guess I really just miss the super speedy. I love being stimulated by people who know more than I do, or I love being around other people who share that same joy in intellectual stimulation. it could just be the classes that i'm taking. hopefully next semester my classes will consist of more geeky people. but looking around towson i don't see too many geeks. people here are pretty "cool".


ah well, maybe i'll just start a nerd revolution! anybody care to join?? we can drink wine, and read philosophy, and talk about quantum physics, and culture ourselves through dance and food, and have chest tournaments, and pick our noses togetherrrr... ahhhh. i mean reallly, i'm not craving nerdsss, just some stimulation. just someone questioning me about something/anything! just someone else's beliefs for me to question. just some good conversation/arguments. just some live fucking music and open mic nights.

ah, yes.. i need to go get these things. they're not so far away, probably just hidden. and the search begins... today!

another search that i began today was for college... again. the list right now is UPitt (i kind of think i should have gone there in the first place), UMich, Mich State, BU, Northeastern (again, maybe those bastards will give me some money), UMD, emerson? (mainly because i know it would give yuri a heart attack... muahaha) and that's it. I think i'd enjoy all of those schools a lot.

i've got a consoling session today. hmm. it's really.. strange talking to a counselor about my life. about my past, parents, present, problems. it's kind of like doing a hellish workout program... it's really hard and not fun, but really good for you and pays off in the end. (plus, it's free!) the lady said she thought it'd be good for me to participate in "group counseling sessions" where there's 6-7 people who all have "relationship problems" and two mediator/consolers. eh, it's weird, but i know it's good for me. so yeah, that's that. i dunno if it's something i'm "supposed" to talk about. but hell, that's never stopped me before. ha.



so this post wasn't very awe-inspiring, but i felt like writing. i hope you all are having a great time where you are. that's one thing that i have to keep reminding myself-- how important it is to be thankful for every day and enjoy what i have.

i've been listening to a lot of ani difranco lately. she really is superwoman. check her out if you haven't heard her music. or just go read some lyrics. they're the best. http://www.danah.org/Ani/


peace, love, happiness.

Dream Deferred

What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore --
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?

-Langston Hughs (1902-1967)


what do you think?

days have been dizzy in so many ways lately. high and then low. exciting and then boring. inviting and then scary. ultimately though, i've been pretty relaxed with whatever situations i've been in. now that i'm away "on my own" it's like i have no one to deal with but myself, and it's lifted such a weight. my parents are home either fighting or getting along, and it's not on me to deal with whatever their current state may be... and as much as i miss my friends, their stresses were always my stresses. they still are, but it's not as easy to be that involved when we're so far from one another.

so here i am. here i am! here i am? i've had a lot of time to look into mySELF lately. i'm dating a guy named brian. awesome person, fun to be around, great to talk to, intelligent.. just about meets every standard i've ever had for a guy. i was really excited for a while, because if you know me, you'll know that i basically have a dating disorder. for whatever reasons, i always seem to push guys away. in the past, i usually had pretty "good"reasons, too. haha.. for instance, "not liking this or that about this person or that person". who knows if they were "valid" but they were mine. and my friends supported my decisions. and i felt comfortable not needing any kind of relationship.
anyway, so i wasn't doing this with brian. i wasn't trying to find some reason to push him away because there just wasn't one! and the thing is... there still isn't! there's no reason to push away a great person who i really like, trust, and enjoy being around.

why then, rach, are you getting that overwhelming anxiety inside again? hmmm? why? i really don't know. but i do know that there's a reason and it's not him. and it's not my parents. and it's not anything but ME. there is no scapegoat to blame or friend to run to... there is only myself to look inside of and find some better answers than running away or pushing away. so i'm going to. i'm going to talk to the people at the mental health center (that's what i call the place.. haha, i dont know the real name) and schedule some appointments to talk to a psychologist. i mean hell -- it's free and beneficial to my LIFE and self and soul. and i care about myself enough to want to be able to be in a relationship with a person i like without.. ruining it. so yeah. that's what i'm going for.

italianchic311: you just have to believe in some long-term goodness and give up the easy escape
(this is what i miss about having my friends around)
((at the same time, i'm being forced to figure this shit out without them))

i was talking to brian today about having expectations for things. honestly, my whole life i have had negative expectations for love and relationships in general. i didn't understand how they worked or believed that they could. and oftentimes, we as people don't believe things until we see them.. we want empirical truths rather than just idealized hopes. and so many times, relationships have proven to fail right before my eyes. but i can't shoot down the experiment before i've even gone through the motions. espcially with someone who's so worth a try. so yeah.
i think it's espcially hard when we have comfortable solutions that aren't necessarily creating positive outcomes. we're comfortable with tragedy. we're used to heart break. i know i am. it was so easy for me to be in a extremely non-beneficial affair for two years of my life because my expectations were negative and i filled them. but i felt love through negativity.. so how do we feel love through positivity?? we have to start expecting it. and that's what i'm trying to do.

i feel like being here at towson really is working out for the best. things aren't so high key that i've gotten lost in every-day-living. it's been good not having too much going on because it really has given me the chance to look at myself more. this year is going to be great. i know i'm going to learn more about who i am just by being on my own.. and learning how to be with someone else who is wonderful.



ah, with all that said, send some encouragement my way. i want to believe in not just love or lust, but in true commitment and the idea of a functional and healthy relationship that has gotten so lost in our world of heartbreak, dishonesty and mistrust. the greatest loves are possible and do exist. if you have a story to share about successful love/relationships, please.. share share share! they're not heard enough. espcially not by my ears.

some days i wish i could fly

the sky felt so far away today, as if there were no way of actually grasping it's magnitude, beauty, wonder. it felt as though it's size overwhelmed the ability to comprehend that something as small and large as the human heart could fit in the same world. but looking up made me feel closer to those who are so far away right now because i know the same sky reaches them, like a blanket big enough to comfort us all when we're cold.
the funny thing is that when you try to break the sky down into something small enough to hold in your hand, it can't be done. kind of like love, or humanity, or freedom, or repression. so you learn to fly across and through it, experiencing it like a bird, rather than killing it like a hunter.
i'm such a hunter sometimes though. hah. i mean look at me, typing away as fast as i can, trying to grasp some kind of fleeting feeling that eats away at me.
i really miss my friends. i'm having a good time here. but i miss my friends so much. and when i look up at the sky and think about living like a bird, i can't help but recognize that they fly together.

last night brian walked me home from his appartment and we stopped and just lied out on grass and looked up at the stars and talked. just sitting there it was kind of unspoken (before i spoke it, hah) how incredible it is that human nature begs for people to feel connected. we go to immeasurable heights just to reach that goal, that togetherness, that sense and feeling inside that our lives are more meaningful because they've been shared and understood.

i guess i kind of feel broken hearted because god, i am so in love with the people who have been in my life thus far. i am so in love with jodi and kathleen and micayla and judy and danielle and mike and ryan and lindsay and my mother and my father and my brother and the people who made my everyday life just mean more because i could share it with them. and the truth is, it hurts to be away from those people. i know that love still thrives, but it's crazy how much i feel like this huge hole is inside me without them around to just see what great lives they're living. i mean, i am SO thankful for beautiful technology like the internet that helps us stay connected and updated... and i wouldn't want my friends to be any other places.. because i know they're living the best they could be. they're making such amazing things out of their lives.. but GOOD LORD! haha.. it's so crazy to go from having the most incredible people on this planet in your everyday life, all the time... to well, just not spending that time together.

i smile when i cry about it because it's such a beautiful pain to feel. to love someone so much that you cry when you're not together.


and i want to go to college perk! that place was a second home! i'm going to have to make mikey pick me up and drive me there. haha. music has been a very close friend lately.


ah, well.. i've got a heavy load of work to do.

what a strange world it is. what a funny feeling it is to feel so much.

a little piece of rachael art::
because the world is ever changing... and we don't always know where the circle really ends... or if it even does.

texas & Katrina

apologies to all of you avid rachael-readers (i know, there's just so many.. hahaha)... i've been busying about with class, getting acquated with college life, texas, and trying to figure out where i'll be landing come january '06.

so many things have sped through my mind lately--

i spent the holiday weekend in texas for my cousins bat mitzvah and shared a hotel room with my bubby (grandma). the weekend really was awesome -- from being with my parents who are two of the funniest people i know, to my drunken cousins, to hot beautiful south africans with sexy acents, to dancing around like the free lady i am, to laying by a pool and soaking up the sun... it was a great time. but there was one thing that kept bothering me.. about 50% of what my bubby talked about when we were in the room together was how being old sucks. from her messed up feet, to wrinkles, to forgetting things. and when she wasn't talking about things that sucked regarding being old, she was talking about things that sucked in the world. i kept telling her that wrinkles were beautiful and showed character. but she didn't agree. and it just made me hope that when i grow older, i'll focus more on the positive attributes of aging, like wisdom and knowledge. at every stage in life we are left with the option to savor and revel in our possibilities, or frown for those we cannot enjoy.. i just want to revel.

with that said, sometimes it's hard to revel in a life that provides us with so much less than the bare minimums. as we were flying down to texas, i kept thinking.. 'stop one state east and drop me off by new orleans! i want to help!' most of us are devestated by the lives, history, homes and beauty that was taken by Katrina... and at the same time, most of our lives continue on in a completely normal fashion, while theirs are at a stand still. so it goes, right? sucks to be them?

we can and should do more than carry on. we should stop and ask ourselves, WHAT AM I GOING TO DO ABOUT THIS? HOW am I going to HELP? if it were me, i'd want the country to give me a hand too.
i was shocked and really happy to hear my mom ask my dad if they could take a family in to our home for a few months since we have so many open rooms. i was even more shocked and happy to hear my dad say that it was a good idea and for my mom to get more information.
obveously we can't all house victims in our homes, but we can do something small like go to the redcross website and donate 25$, or have a bake sale and send the proceeds to the red cross, or go around campus with a collection bucket, or send paper plates, or plastic wear, or napkins, or bottled water. anything!

i donated 100$ from cash i made this summer to the red cross and tomorrow i'll be standing outside with signs and a donation bucket. i'm making pamphlets to hand out to students with info on the travesty, hopfully inspiring them to donate.

there are easy things that you can do, that might be out of your every-day cycle. but for you or i, one or two days might be spent in flux and then back to our normal lives. for the people of new orleans, normal life is no longer there for them to go back to-- they're forced to recreate it. let's help them.


http://www.redcross.org/