ACT. Words are inert.

I once had that slogan painted across my room before it was covered by the trippie blue mural. "ACT. Words are inert." Because they are. They are symbols and crutches and filling. They are attempted structure to form this chaotic world rather than letting the chaos structure itself. Well I suppose words are all just a structure formed by the nature of theworld... but actions have always spoken louder than words. Truth lies in what is done rather than stated, assumed, or said. So with that, I shall stop speaking for the evening and just believe. Believe in myself and the capacity of greatness that is within me, ever growing and changing. Life is beautiful for its ability to grow and evolve. Rather than just live, I will be a true part of life.

finding peace

Tonight I went to Jodi's house.. her whole family was home for Christmas break.. it was nice. They're such an enjoyable bunch.. so comforting and easy to be around, and they all bring something different to the table. It's great. Anyway, I drove Kathleen and on the way over we were talking about the anxiety I've been having over things that matter so little. The night was nice, we sat around Jodi's room strumming the guitar some, talking some, eating lots of ice cream.. the usual.. And on the way home Kathleen and I picked up our conversation again coming to the conclusion that I should meditate or do yoga or something. It's funny because people always tell me that I'm such a hippie, in a making-fun-of-way... but the thing is, I really do understand why people do things like meditate or take yoga classes or PAINT or RUN.. because they're soothing. When a person has constant thoughts and questions running through their mind and the beautiful burden of trying to understand the 'true meaning of life'... it gets exhausting and overwhelming. Everyone's life can no matter what takes over your mind. It's important to find peace inside of yourself and just relax. I realized that's probably why I love painting so much. It's so relaxing and clears my mind, as does running.

I find it kind of sad that probably half of our contry is on some kind of anti-depressent or medication. I'm not saying that depression isn't alive and well (no pun intended) and something needs to be done about it... but it just seems to me that every problem in life suddenly has a diognosis with a perscription medicine right at hand. I think that it's amazing how life changing certain drugs can be... and wonderful at that... but at the same time, it seems like there are a lot of people taking a medication that isn't fixing the problem, nor will it... because the "problem" for many people isn't something a drug will fix. It's something that they have to identify within themselves and want to change. I mean hell, my mother is on edge and I'd love for her to just take some chill pills every now and then.. in fact, she does... but at the same time, I'd much rather her see some professional help, or look within herself for answers to the problem... answers that are long term... that she can feel good about finding. I just think that when a person is actually making a change for themselves... and succeeding through their hardships on their own, they have much more pride in who they are, and ultimately.. they are happier people. There's nothing wrong with taking medications... a lot of people's lives have been changed for the better, and i'm no doctor so I don't know the details... but I think it's just gotta feel more gratifying if you change yourself.

a wider view

It's blind to think that another person can show you the light. You have to see it.
I'm seeing more and more of my mother in me every day now that i'm actually in a realationship. I'm seeing more and more of why my dad could never take being with her. She sweat the small stuff constantly. And that's what i've been doing.
I'm a person who has always thought that I see the big picture in so many cases and that my view of things was so wide... that's why I don't hate people, or fight with people or get into many bad situations..I get along with almost everyone because I don't let petty things bother me. But once I got into a relationship, I found myself letting everything bother me. Why was I doing this? Was I trying to push away the first real good thing that I've ever experienced? Was I trying to keep the one thing that I've always wanted from coming in so that I could never lose it? Was I trying to destruct a potentially more than incredible relationship in exchange for my daily ritual of let downs? Whatever I was trying to do, I must stop doing it. I must and I will. Because this man who lays beside me time and time again and says to me, "silly girl.. stop it." is right. I'm being a very silly, foolish girl. And there's no choice I'll settle for but to stop. I won't live my life like my mother. I just won't. I've seen how destructive it is and how little it works. I have to keep my mind open to the big picture only... to what matters, and let the rest go. Let it GO. Only then will I ever be truly successful in relationships, and truly at peace with my mind.
I'm so glad that I'm realizing all of these things. And I'm so glad that I've found an amazing person who understands why and what I'm doing. But now is not the time to be thankful, now is the time to actually show my gratitude and make a change for myself and my future.

"No fear. No distractions. The ability to let that which does not matter truly slide." - Chuch Palaniuck, Fight Club.

Cooking Wine?

I must comment on last night... Not to document a specific occurence and hold on to the moments of the evening, but to demonstrate how clearly amazing my friends are. It ended up being an all girls night with Jodi, Judy, Danielle and Kathleen... and we went from Waking Life, to Porn Life, to story time, back to Waking Life, to Alcoholic Life, to Cooking Wine Life.... to on the kitchen floor laughing Life, to on the office floor sharing Life, to couch orgy Life. I realized that when a night is shared with four other NFPs you really appreciate what it means to be "understood".
It's so meaningful to be able to look at other girls who are so much like yourself and see them in stages that you've been in before, or having feelings that you've felt before, or having doubts and questions that you've asked yourself so many times. Our minds are limitless, we ask and wonder to no extent... and sometimes, questioning the meaning of life and how you as an individual play into that meaning can be draining..it can leave you feeling isolated, alone and misunderstood. But the truth of the matter is that we're really not. We as humans are connected in every way. Our bodies are composed of the same molocules, our minds are comprised of the same elements, our souls come from the same place. It's hard to allow ourselvesto be comfortable with this notion when so many people overlook it... but it's real. We are one no matter how hard we try to seperate ourselves ... through religion, appearence, sexuality, personality... all of our differences are mere discrepancies when compared to how alike our make-ups really are.

I have a lot more to say, but I'm too distracted and sleepy to finish my thoughts. I'll add more later... for the sake of myself.

Realize your worth. Regardless of how alike we all are, it takes nothing away from our value.

Let the rain come pouring down

Sometimes we all need a little more rain than we're used to or prepared to handle. Despite what I try to tell myself, I've really had a hard time dealing with this whole situation about Crazy For You. I want to be able to accept the fact that I got no part and continue on and have a good time in my last high school production... but it just feels too degrading, and we haven't even started rehersals yet. All I wanted from my last high school production and possibily last production ever was a chance to perform.
I'm thankful for all of the opportunities that I've had in the past and the wonderful productions I have been able to be a part of... I really am. It's just so difficult to be in the situation where I have the same part as freshmen who are first timers to any type of drama production. I think I'm going to go to the first few rehersals and see how I feel about being there.. Hopefully it will be better than I'm expecting and everything will work out. I guess I'll just have to wait and see. In the meantime I have to tell Rosen once again the way that I'm feeling and my disinterest in being his proposal for me to be Assistant Director.

ENOUGH about all this. I came home and slept from 3-7:20 today. I needed to. It was just a long day. It's funny how I want the school days to go by fast, the weekends to last forever, and the school year to never really end.. Despite any bumps, this year has already been amazing.
I'm really so glad that at school I've developed such great friends. I've always had Micayla, Jodi and Kathleen.. they're like family... but this year I've become so much closer with Danielle and Judy.. i <3 them. :). it's really nice to have people to laugh with and MyersBriggs with.. haha.

As much as I want the school days to pass quickly, I enjoy my days. I love physics. It's a great class to end the day with... except when we're doing math that my college algebra class hasn't taken me up to yet.. then it gets tense, but other than that.. .physics really is PHUN! haha.

Today Ryan and I were sitting in my car waiting to get out of the parking lot and it was raining on my rooftop once again. It was beautiful. Man, I'm a lucky girl.
My nap was also beautiful.. I fell asleep to the Simon & Garfunkel greatest hits CD that Natan burnt for me. it's sweet.
gah, I love music.
The rain doesn't bother me. Yet, sometimes I do have rainy days. Ironically today was one of them.
I have painted on a board on my wall "She lives in the sun... She loves the rain... Life is Beautiful." and that just about sums it all up.

I've come to enjoy even the rainy days... they've made me humble.

What reams true

I'm not sure at all how my life changed over night, but it did. I take it back. I know exactly how every second occured. And I know that my favorite part was around 4:30 a.m. on a tuesday night when we didn't have school the next day and I laid in his arms and we listened to the rain pound against the roof of my car that was parked in the junior lot of atholton... and pounding even louder was our hearts, undressed with no secrets to keep.
I'm finding that so many cliches exist for a reason. There are beautiful feelings and thoughts that need describing and common ways of doing so. Thus, we run out of new ways to express our universal feelings. And that's okay.
I could go on for hours about everything that I've already learned from a single human being in the time span of merely two weeks... But what that tells me is that it was all within me from the start. I'm lucky because I've found a person with a soul that aligns with mine.. and we are able to bring out the best in one another. And it amazes me every day. And I absolutly love it. And it scared me at first, because it took so long to get to where I am as an individual.. and now to think about really sharing that with someone else, and giving part of myself away... is risky. But what the hell else am I living for? To sit on my gold? I think not, baby. I know not.
Enough about Ryan....
Kathleen's birthday is the 15th and I will get/make/find her the perfect gift.
Mr. Bill's birthday is the 11th and I want to make him something cool, too.
HANNUKAH ALREADY STARTED AND I HAVE NOTHING FOR MY MOTHER YET!!
So I think I'll go shopping sometime this weekend.. in between the thousand other priorities that take over.
I'm writing a lot because 1) I never write and probably won't even post this anywhere for a person to see.. 2) if I DO post this, it'll give you something to read because it's rare that I write in these things.. too many other things that interest me.

I've decided not to think about college or the future or the past or anything but today. Mainly because I can't handle the emotional aspect of leaving the life I've lived for my entirty. Plus, I've got it all right now. Friends that are like family, family that are my friends, a boyfriend... a boyfriend! (ME!), cool books to read, good music.... i mean, i really don't know what else I could ask for.
But even if there was more to ask for.. because there is.. there always is.. today is really all we've got. And really, I appreciate every second. When the end nears, we all begin to appreciate life a little more.

I had an odd dream last night with an old friend who things have ended coldly with. I dreampt that we hugged and everything was better. It made me sad because things really aren't better despite my attempts to make them so. But I'm glad for the things that make me sad in life. It keeps my mind in perspective. That's all for now. I like writing in this, so maybe i'll continue.

Don't let the blood in your heart turn to stone. Today we are alive.