the one who always muses me.

i bite my lip
his face on my mind
my insides compress
smothered
by his life
his story
a burden to himself
he fails to lift
i bite my lip
i bite my lip
wanting to lift
the tension
wanting to free
the longing
to free myself

his chains
wrap my heart
in worry
his freedoms
worry my restraints
yet excite
my inhibitions
i bite my lip
i bite my lip
i let it slide
i meet him halfway
inside i am free
wild
alive
and shackled
subdued
to his pains
to my own

once again
i pull away
with a bit lip
my tounge touches
the red reminder
inside my mouth
that begs me
to return to him
i press my tounge
against my lip
to compress the blood
stop the bleeding
yet i still taste it
even after
it is gone

I'll change in the middle of a city street.

I was sitting in my room, blinds cracked open watching the snow fall, and I had just finished reading the assigned portion of Beloved... naturally, due to the snow and the character "Amy Denver.. of Boston" i got to thinking of Boston.. and college.. and all that it would entail.

I sat looking around my room, soaking in the crazy blue mural painted on my wall, the 34$ thrift store desk that jo kat and jude got me, the art work tacked above it, the clothes and Yoga cards strooned on my floor after I just finished cleaning it, the books piled around my room most of which are half read, my open closet door with an array of colorful clothes I've grown out of and grown into.... and I just thought, I wonder if anyone will ever ask me, "so what were you like in highschool?" and I sat there and thought... what? what would i answer? free? outgoing? careless? passionate? artistic? lazy? inspired? in love? athletic? involved? restrained? generous? hardworking? lost? helpful? introspective? hurt? accompanied?... the list could go on forever....

So I came to the conclusion that the only answer that would fit, and that would remain true would be to say that I was becoming who I am today.

And I realized that no adjective can ever really describe the past. Because the past is no longer truly alive. It is remembered or forgotten or retold or changed. But it is not here, today, living.

The past is simply everything that came together to make the current moment possible. Right now really is all we can account for and describe in it's entirty and wholest truth.

I know that I have changed every day that I have lived.. and that has to be true of everyone. Because life is changing every day.. this world is spinning around and nothing remains the same from one instant to the next.

That bring me some peace of mind... knowing that nothing remains.. it's an unyeilding truth that is both unsettling and exciting... and being certain that there is no way out, no escape from that.. gives you the choice to wallow in the instability or to feed off it.

So I don't need to describe who I am, or who I was, or who I will be. I just need to live and feed off of change... because it is the only constant means in this world.

night time babble

hmm.. it's been a while since i've been inspired to write any poetry. i was sitting at my [kick ass] desk tonight reading through old pieces i've written and i just missed it. usually it just comes pouring out anytime i have the slightest encounter with an interesting experience.. but yeah, not recently. maybe it's because i just write my thoughts down in this damn blog. haha.. who knows. so yeah. i wrote something short and poetic tonight.


on some nights when the sky lulls between empty and bright, a memory of feelings overwhelm her like they did once before and her mind receeds to a place that it was never fit for, yet it hated to stray from. and she feels lonely and relieved simultaniously. and she knows that at one time she found herself in a person who was truly lost. and she loved it. and she's not better or worse now that things have changed. she's only different.



it's a weird state that i'm in right now. very peaceful and still, very relaxing, and yet almost boring. i feel like i'm not doing as much with my life as i could be. it's just strange. i don't think i can remember the last time it felt as if there was absolutly no tumult in my life.. or for that matter, how many people ever feel that way? and i mean, i suppose that's why people who don't have that many personal problems will take on larger, global problems (sometimes).. but yeah... i just want to be doing more. yes, lots of talk, little action.. but i'm not a school person. i'm not someone who's going to make a difference through academics. i'm just not. i'm someone who makes a difference through individual people. i want to go someplace and do something that feels important to me. i mean, everyone wants to do what will make them feel valid. and everyone feels valid by doing different things... and school isn't something that makes me feel valid, damnit. but i know that that's not the way this world works, i'm not daring enough to just throw away the education that's supposed to "get me somewhere". i try to utilize it for the good that it provides. but it just seems so limiting.

italianchic311: like busy-ness without MEANING italianchic311: its just such... a forfeit of time

like tomorrow, for instance... i have to write a paper for english, write a debate for comparative... both of which yes, i can be "creative" within the limitations of the box, the rubric, the guidlines. but i just want to be mused, inspired, and work from there. not have all of these damn questions i must answer. i want to use my own curiosity to ask my own questions and look into my own answers... and it seems that whenever i try to do that in school i'm "straying from the lesson plan" or "asking about something that's not important"... but whatever happened to the famous "every question is a good question"? where is that? i really don't know.. but that's something that i'd like to know the answer to.

anthropology.. so interesting.

Ah hah! I'm sitting in comparative the other day.. (do I ever pay attention to what I'm "supposed" to be? ehh. sometimes, yes.) and something got me thinking about anthropology.. I think we were having a discussion about our origins and blah blah.. oh, how people around the world originated differently because of the climate of the area etc (i really want to take an anthropology class.. totally interesting)... yeah.. cause tiffinay's asian, lindsay's black, i'm white, etcccc.... and i just thought it was so cool.. because if we're effected by the natural environments around us, what will we evolve into next? AND what if, because we have become so technologically advanced and have changed our environments, we evolve into a bunch of fat, poor health ridden people?.. and it won't matter that our "natural" health is poor.. because there will be enough man-made remedies to keep us living. that's a gross thought to me. We really would be so unhealthy.. but it wouldn't even matter. weird... It's like we could possibly hinder or effect natural evolution because of our technilogical advancements.

yeah, i'm really pretty ignorant on this subject. But i really want to know more about it.. I think I'll go to the library and check out a book or two on the topic. Leave me enlightening messages if you know information.. I'd love to hear.

Our Time: A graduation speech by yours truly.

So here it is folks... I spent a lot of time and effort on this speech and when it comes down to it, I'm really proud of what I did and how I presented myself. The way things turned out wasn't in my favor necessarily.... but I think this was a good learning experience. Sometimes, no matter how much you prepare yourself, or practice, or try... you're just not what a group is looking for. And that's life... and it's really just the way it is. I'm glad for Ritza and Thomas & Kelsey.. they'll both do great and the class will enjoy their speeches. But I'd like it if this was read... because I didn't just write it for myself.. I wrote it for people to hear because the lessons are important ones.


Today is our time. We woke up this morning knowing that after today our tomorrows would never be the same. And for one last time, despite our differences, we are united to celebrate our accomplishments. So thank you family, friends, teachers, and administrators, for gathering here today in honor of Atholton High School’s graduating class of 2005.

Every generation has their time and leaves their impression. Our grandparent’s endured the financial crisis of the Great Depression, a horrible world war, and a racial holocaust. Our parent’s brought on a time of great change in our nation. Their generation fought for women’s rights, put an end to racial segregation, and promoted religious acceptance.

And now we have reached the summit, the turning point in our lives when we ask ourselves, “What will we do now that it is our time?”

We have the capability to do something…anything!… And we have the real chance to make a difference. Those who came before us chose to make a difference in our lives, chose to affect us, and nurture us.

Our parents and guardians embraced a milestone when they welcomed us into this world of possibilities. They watched us everyday as we grew further from their caring hold and closer to our own individuality. When we entered school, it was our teachers, and counselors, and administrators who were there for us, dedicating their lives toward educating and guiding us.

And here we are… We’re ready. Ready to explore the countless new times that await us.

We are not necessarily alone on our journeys. Because while we have our own dreams and aspirations and while we are all on our own paths, we have friends who encourage that which we are becoming, and share with us the times of our youth and unforgettable experiences.

But living in today’s world is not always easy. Globally, we are at war. Nationally, we are divided. And individually, we each face our own personal pressures and expectations.

So now more than ever really is our time and our chance to face the current obstacles and to leave our impression on this world.

We must discover and embrace who we are…and find what it is that we believe in. We must respect and value ourselves and others.

We may not all be leaders, but we can all get involved.

And in a time so uncertain… We must have courage. Courage to march into our next chapter. Courage to speak out against something we believe is unjust. Courage to do what is right even if it isn’t popular. Courage to be optimistic in the face of an often adverse world. And courage to accept each other’s differences.

Congratulations Class of 2005 …. Today we can each applaud ourselves for our academic and extracurricular accomplishments. But let it not end here. Every day we must be able to applaud ourselves for our deeds and for our actions. Because today is only the beginning of our time.




Alright, the speech is more effective spoken out loud... But I believe every word that I wrote... and not only do I believe them, I live by them. I hope that by posting this here, perhaps someone will read this and be affected in a positive way.

life is good. and my goal every day is to make sure I don't forget it.

Peace-Rach

Another day in Paradise

hmmm... although i'm exhausted from endless work... i've been having a great time with everything latly. I needed some newness in my life, and here it is. (for now.. until i get bored and move onto yet another new adventure. I wonder if I'll ever settle down. hmm.) And i'm confident that i'll get a hang out this waiting tables thing. Just need some practice, poise, and study time with that damn menu. But the people at Clyde's are all really friendly (and attractive.. haha) yay.


Anyway, so it's my birthday.. i'm officially an "adult"! For some reason it's just not a big deal to me. (except of course, my ability to now buy porn.... and finally have my own debit card!) I don't think I've ever been much of a big birthday person... I guess when you expect too much out of them they're just a let down. Or that's what I've learned from the past... so I've stoped expecting.. and it usually works out much nicer this way. I mean, I've got all the gifts that I could ever really ask for in my life every day... so really, I don't want/ask for more. And I know that probably sounds.. I don't know, what it sounds like.. haha cause it's just really the way that I feel. So yeah... my dad has a basketball game tonight, so my parents are going to that.. and I don't think we're even going out.. I feel pretty sick and I've got loads of homework (that I'm actually going to do) so it's not a big deal... BUT tomorrow night I think micayla and my parents and I are all gonna get something to eat... .and SATURDAY me, jo, kat, jud, and danielle are gonna go to b-mo, get some sushi at this sweet place, and then catch a movie at the Charles. which will be awesome.

i love when people make me mixed cds... cause it's not only a thoughtful gift, but they're giving a piece of themselves. a piece of their taste and their likings... i dunno, i just think it's more personal than music on plastic. it's them.

i really do love people. like people are what i'm passionate about. i could sit in a room for hours just observing the way a group is interacting with one another. it's innate for me. and there's no class that can give me a grade for excelling at my strengths... and i think it's almost better that way. it's as if i just get to be what i am. and everything i experience is the way that i learn.. every atmosphere and environment is my classroom. and i love it. i love learning and growing a changing. and yay. and new music espcially.


sitting in physics today was interesting... simmdawg was talking about something or the other.. in some scientist language that i speak poorly... and i just thought, "these people are living in their world." and you're probably thinking.. well yeah, duh.. don't we all live in our world? But really, it seems to me that there are so many different types of people living in different worlds... and that's where there's so much conflict and beauty in life. People's worlds colliding create the most explosive junctures. And it's all about how a person views the explosion. Personally, I think it's beautiful... certain days when I stop observing and begin to let myself just run into the world of physics, I find myself getting pissed off sometimes because I don't want to be in THEIR world, I want to be in mine... i can't relate to their world! But when I step back and just look at the way their world works, it's just the same, just as beautiful, just a spoken in a different language. And I think it's just really important to be able to do that... to be able to step back and realize people just speak different languages.. but we're really not all that different. yeah. you get the picture.


Alright.. So on the Cd i'm listening to that a certain someone made for me some lyrics go as follows:
"some of us laugh some of cry some of us smoke some of us lie but it's all just the way that we cope with our lives" :: "some of us" - star sailor (excellent song)


yeah, this post is excessive. have a wonderful day. i'm so in love with so many of you. thank you.

Clyde's/Graduation/etc

So I'm officially done corporate training in Georgetown for Clyde's... and it was definitely an awesome time. Everyone I met was so diverse and came from so many different places and just had tons of interesting things about them that I wanted to emmerse myself in! It was wonderful. And the training/teacher fella was so great... Shane.. he moved here from Ireland about 10 years ago and he was a very cool, charming, and clever man. yay. --- So my first day of in-the-restaurant-training is TUESDAY! ahh! tuesday, wednesday, saturday, monday, and one more day to be determined... and then i'll be on my own, serving the coustomers of Clyde's! I'm excited. I really do love serving people...Getting to know them and having the opportunity to make their day better just by being friendly and sincere. It's fun for me. woot. and not to mention i'll be bringing in the bucks pretty soon... greece/senior week/whatever i want... here i come! i gots money! haha..

On another note, I've been working on my graduation speech. I'm done with my first draft... now i just have to completely tear it apart and make it the most amazing thing for human kind to ever have kiss their ears. haha.. yeah. It's funny because more than caring about if I actually get chosen to read my speech at graduation, I've been writing graduation speeches since I was like 8 years old and found out what one was... So I just feel like I really have to do this for myself.. finish the speech that I started when I was just a little kid. It's kind of like closure for me.. But in a lot of ways, I feel like no matter how awesome I make this speech, or how many times I re-write it trying to get in every important thing that I want to say... I'll never be done. I'll always be re-writing this speech... because to me, what should be said in a speech like this is just that -- that you must continually re-write your answers to the world... because the world is always changing. So maybe saying that will be enough. It concludes this era in a very open-ended way. Because the way I see life is very open-ended.

Wow, we're almost done. All winter I've been saying "get me out of here! i'm ready to go! now!"... and spring time's rollin around soon enough and I just know that I'm going to want to hold on to every second that's left. I guess these times when we're young really are...priceless. Yeah, we're still on the rise, still heading towards an even greater experience.. But damn do I have it good right now. Everyday I have the most impossible time getting over how amazing my friends are. And I'm just so thankful. Yeah. We'll probably all end up in different parts of the country. Kat's going to UNH, Judy's going to Michigan, who knows where i'll end up.. probably Pitt or Northeastern... and Jodi's either going to Oregon, Nashville, or Boston. ha. But you know, we're all going to fricking grow so much... and have amazing experiences.. and then.. we're going to come home to eachother. So fear is silly. I'm not afraid of loosing what i've got... I just love it so much. And it's hard for me to imagine not having these weekends where we stay up all night talking about nothing and everything. But I know they'll be there. Just in different places, and different times.



Alright, I'm off to work on my speech, buy my 1000 part uniform for clyde's, finish reading The Sound and the Fury, clean my room?, get distracted, do some english homework, and kick ass.

Have a great day. It's beautiful outside. Take a gander.

Burundi

damnit.. i deleted this blog by accident. Read jodimclaren.blogspot.com

Burundi is important!

my love for books. and the world.

I am totally brought to life by lying in my bed, alone on a Saturday night reading The Sound and the Fury.... I LOVE WILLIAM FAULKNER. Here are some reasons why:

"I give [this watch] to you not that you may remember time, but that you might forget it now and then for a moment and not spend all your breath trying to conquer it. Because no battle is ever won he said. They are not even fought, The field only reveals to man his own folly and despair, and victory is an illusion of philosophers and fools."
"It's always the idle habits you acquire which you will regret."
"It's not when you realise that nothing can help you -- religion, pride, anything -- it's when you realise that you don't need any aid."
"Time is dead as long as it is being clicked off by little wheels; only when the clock stops does time come to life."
"I learned that the best way to take all people, black or white, is to take them for what they think they are, then leave them alone."
"I know how often people make promises just to satisfy their consciences"
"You will find that every injustice is scarcely worthy of what you believe yourself to be"

....What I enjoy most about Faulkner is his greatly uninhibited style. He defies so many aspects of common literature and dares to express outside of the box. Yay. Go Willy, go!



Anyway, I was very pleased to see that someone who I do not know (perhaps a random blogger from Seattle, or New Orleans, or Phili, or wide open spaces, or some other kick ass area that kicks ass simply because there's a person there wanting to explore life) left me a nice 'comment' on my last post. Whoever you are, feel free to leave more messages or chat with me. I love people, espcially those that are new. And if you were just surfing around through blogs and never come across me again.. it's been good.


But speaking of loving people etc... I've come to find out that when you get into a relationship with a person your life becomes devoted to that person alone... and no matter how openminded or free they are with you... part of being in a relationship, a big part, is being dedicated to that person and giving up other aspects of your life.
And to me, this world is too fricking big... There are too many things to explore and discover and find.. and at this point in my life, adding another person to the equation really wouldn't make any sense. I mean, my friends fill basically all of my emotional voids... Yeah, they're not telling me that they want to have my babies or pleasure me (usually... haha).. But they're THERE experiencing these moments and realizations that just don't seem to happen, or become limited when you're with a guy. No matter how amazing a guy may be, the focus of your life becomes that guy rather than LIFE. Yes, relationships are part of life... But I'm Young! And I want to have a relationship with the WORLD before I limit myself to one person. And that's just how it works best for me.

I suppose in my opinion love comes and exists every day, everywhere you go.. and it's all a matter of accepting and taking in the love that's around you, or dismissing and denying it. I find the love that surrounds me and I live off of it. I really don't need it from any one person. Life is love to me. and that's why I don't usually have boyfriends. I'm not anti-relationships/love... believe me.. haha.. but right now in my life, it's not a priority.

So yeah... that's all for the evening. It's been nice and quiet with my book, music and newly arranged room. (that i spent all day pushing furniture and filling trash bags to accomplish... and that Seth thinks is a 'stoner room'.. I beg to differ) and my parents just came home to disturb the peace. (funny that people think a way to SOLVE the disturbance of peace is war. haa)

goodnight-Rach